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the fullness of my own exposure。 I was ready to know the very worst
that was to be known。 What I had then had an ugly glimpse of was
that my eyes might be sealed just while theirs were most opened。
Well； my eyes WERE sealed； it appeared； at present
a consummation for which it seemed blasphemous not to thank God。
There was； alas； a difficulty about that： I would have thanked
him with all my soul had I not had in a proportionate measure this
conviction of the secret of my pupils。
How can I retrace today the strange steps of my obsession？
There were times of our being together when I would have been ready
to swear that； literally； in my presence； but with my direct sense
of it closed； they had visitors who were known and were welcome。
Then it was that； had I not been deterred by the very chance that
such an injury might prove greater than the injury to be averted；
my exultation would have broken out。 〃They're here； they're here；
you little wretches；〃 I would have cried； 〃and you can't deny it now！〃
The little wretches denied it with all the added volume of their
sociability and their tenderness； in just the crystal depths of which
like the flash of a fish in a streamthe mockery of their advantage
peeped up。 The shock； in truth； had sunk into me still deeper
than I knew on the night when； looking out to see either Quint
or Miss Jessel under the stars； I had beheld the boy over whose
rest I watched and who had immediately brought in with him
had straightway； there； turned it on methe lovely upward look with which；
from the battlements above me； the hideous apparition of Quint had played。
If it was a question of a scare； my discovery on this occasion
had scared me more than any other； and it was in the condition
of nerves produced by it that I made my actual inductions。
They harassed me so that sometimes； at odd moments； I shut myself
up audibly to rehearseit was at once a fantastic relief and a
renewed despairthe manner in which I might come to the point。
I approached it from one side and the other while； in my room；
I flung myself about； but I always broke down in the monstrous
utterance of names。 As they died away on my lips； I said to myself
that I should indeed help them to represent something infamous；
if； by pronouncing them； I should violate as rare a little case
of instinctive delicacy as any schoolroom； probably； had ever known。
When I said to myself： 〃THEY have the manners to be silent；
and you； trusted as you are； the baseness to speak！〃
I felt myself crimson and I covered my face with my hands。
After these secret scenes I chattered more than ever； going on
volubly enough till one of our prodigious； palpable hushes occurred
I can call them nothing elsethe strange； dizzy lift or swim
（I try for terms！） into a stillness； a pause of all life； that had
nothing to do with the more or less noise that at the moment we
might be engaged in making and that I could hear through any deepened
exhilaration or quickened recitation or louder strum of the piano。
Then it was that the others； the outsiders； were there。
Though they were not angels； they 〃passed；〃 as the French say；
causing me； while they stayed； to tremble with the fear of their
addressing to their younger victims some yet more infernal message
or more vivid image than they had thought good enough for myself。
What it was most impossible to get rid of was the cruel idea that；
whatever I had seen； Miles and Flora saw MOREthings terrible
and unguessable and that sprang from dreadful passages of intercourse
in the past。 Such things naturally left on the surface；
for the time； a chill which we vociferously denied that we felt；
and we had； all three； with repetition； got into such splendid
training that we went； each time； almost automatically； to mark
the close of the incident； through the very same movements。
It was striking of the children； at all events； to kiss me inveterately
with a kind of wild irrelevance and never to failone or the other
of the precious question that had helped us through many a peril。
〃When do you think he WILL come？ Don't you think we OUGHT
to write？〃there was nothing like that inquiry； we found
by experience； for carrying off an awkwardness。 〃He〃 of course
was their uncle in Harley Street； and we lived in much profusion
of theory that he might at any moment arrive to mingle in our circle。
It was impossible to have given less encouragement than he had done
to such a doctrine； but if we had not had the doctrine to fall back upon
we should have deprived each other of some of our finest exhibitions。
He never wrote to themthat may have been selfish； but it was a part
of the flattery of his trust of me； for the way in which a man
pays his highest tribute to a woman is apt to be but by the more
festal celebration of one of the sacred laws of his comfort；
and I held that I carried out the spirit of the pledge given not
to appeal to him when I let my charges understand that their own
letters were but charming literary exercises。 They were too beautiful
to be posted； I kept them myself； I have them all to this hour。
This was a rule indeed which only added to the satiric effect of my being
plied with the supposition that he might at any moment be among us。
It was exactly as if my charges knew how almost more awkward
than anything else that might be for me。 There appears to me；
moreover； as I look back； no note in all this more extraordinary
than the mere fact that； in spite of my tension and of their triumph；
I never lost patience with them。 Adorable they must in truth
have been； I now reflect； that I didn't in these days hate them！
Would exasperation； however； if relief had longer been postponed；
finally have betrayed me？ It little matters； for relief arrived。
I call it relief； though it was only the relief that a snap brings
to a strain or the burst of a thunderstorm to a day of suffocation。
It was at least change； and it came with a rush。
XIV
Walking to church a certain Sunday morning； I had little Miles at my side
and his sister； in advance of us and at Mrs。 Grose's； well in sight。
It was a crisp； clear day； the first of its order for some time；
the night had brought a touch of frost； and the autumn air； bright and sharp；
made the church bells almost gay。 It was an odd accident of thought
that I should have happened at such a moment to be particularly
and very gratefully struck with the obedience of my little charges。
Why did they never resent my inexorable； my perpetual society？
Something or other had brought nearer home to me that I had all but pinned
the boy to my shawl and that； in the way our companions were marshaled
before me； I might have appeared to provide against some danger of rebellion。
I was like a gaoler with an eye to possible surprises and escapes。
But all this belongedI mean their magnificent little surrender
just to the special array of the facts that were most