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ss。 This joy of discovery is the joy of living。
There is such a difference between reading a thing and knowing a thing。 We could read a thousand descriptions of the sun and not know the sun as in one glimpse of it with our own eyes。
I used to stand in the row of blessed little rascals in the 〃deestrick〃 school and read from McGuffey's celebrated literature； 〃IfI…p…p…playwiththef…f…f…i…i…i…i…r…r…eIwillg…e…e…et my…y…y…y…yf…f…f…fingersbur…r…r…rnedperiod！〃
I did not learn it。 I wish I had learned by reading it that if I play with the fire I will get my fingers burned。 I had to slap my hands upon hot stoves and coffee…pots； and had to get many kinds of blisters in order to learn it。
Then I had to go around showing the blisters； boring my friends and taking up a collection of sympathy。 〃Look at my bad luck！〃 Fool！
This is not a lecture。 It is a confession！ It seems to me if you in the audience knew how little I know； you wouldn't stay。
〃You Can't Get Something for Nothing〃
Yes； I was thirty…four years learning that one sentence。 〃You can't get something for nothing。〃 That is； getting it in partial tune。 It took me so long because I was naturally bright。 It takes that kind longer than a human being。 They are so smart you cannot teach them with a few bumps。 They have to be pulverized。
That sentence takes me back to the days when I was a 〃hired man〃 on the farm。 You might not think I had ever been a 〃hired man〃 on the farm at ten dollars a month and 〃washed； mended and found。〃 You see me here on this platform in my graceful and cultured manner； and you might not believe that I had ever trained an orphan calf to drink from a copper kettle。 But I have fed him the fingers of this hand many a time。 You might not think that I had ever driven a yoke of oxen and had said the words。 But I have！
I remember the first county fair I ever attended。 Fellow sufferers； you may remember that at the county fair all the people sort out to their own departments。 Some people go to the canned fruit department。 Some go to the fancywork department。 Some go to the swine department。 Everybody goes to his own department。 Even the 〃suckers〃！ Did you ever notice where they go？ That is where I wentto the 〃trimming department。〃
I was in the 〃trimming department〃 in five minutes。 Nobody told me where it was。 I didn't need to be told。 I gravitated there。 The barrel always shakes all of one size to one place。 You notice thatin a city all of one size get together。
Right at the entrance to the 〃local Midway〃 I met a gentleman。 I know he was a gentleman because he said he was a gentleman。 He had a little light table he could move quickly。 Whenever the climate became too sultry he would move to greener pastures。 On that table were three little shells in a row； and there was a little pea under the middle shell。 I saw it there； being naturally bright。 I was the only naturally bright person around the table； hence the only one who knew under which shell the little round pea was hidden。
Even the gentleman running the game was fooled。 He thought it was under the end shell and bet me money it was under the end shell。 You see； this was not gambling； this was a sure thing。 （It was！） I had saved up my money for weeks to attend the fair。 I bet it all on that middle shell。 I felt bad。 It seemed like robbing father。 And he seemed like a real nice old gentleman； and maybe he had a family to keep。 But I would teach him a lesson not to 〃monkey〃 with people like me； naturally bright。
But I needn't have felt bad。 I did not rob father。 Father cleaned me out of all I had in about five seconds。
I went over to the other side of the fairgrounds and sat down。 That was all I had to do nowjust go； sit down。 I couldn't see the mermaid now or get into the grandstand。
Sadly I thought it all over； but I did not get the right answer。 I said the thing every fool does say when he gets bumped and fails to learn the lesson from the bump。 I said； 〃Next time I shall be more careful。〃
When anybody says that he is due for a return date。
I Bought the Soap
Learn？ No！ Within a month I was on the street a Saturday night when another gentleman drove into town。 He stopped on the public square and stood up in his buggy。 〃Let the prominent citizens gather around me； for I am going to give away dollars。〃
Immediately all the prominent 〃suckers〃 crowded around the buggy。 〃Gentlemen； I am introducing this new medicinal soap that cures all diseases humanity is heir to。 Now just to introduce and advertise； I am putting these cakes of Wonder Soap in my hat。 You see I am wrapping a ten…dollar bill around one cake and throwing it into the hat。 Now who will give me five dollars for the privilege of taking a cake of this wonderful soap from my hatany cake you want； gentlemen！〃
And right on top of the pile was the cake with the ten wrapped around it！ I jumped over the rest to shove my five （two weeks' farm work） in his hands and grab that bill cake。 But the bill disappeared。 I never knew where it went。 The man whipped up his horse and also disappeared。 I never knew where he went。
My 〃Fool Drawer〃
I grew older and people began to notice that I was naturally bright and therefore good picking。 They began to let me in on the ground floor。 Did anybody ever let you in on the ground floor？ I never could stick。 Whenever anybody let me in on the ground floor it seemed like I would always slide on thru and land in the cellar。
I used to have a drawer in my desk I called my 〃fool drawer。〃 I kept my investments in it。 I mean； the investments I did not have to lock up。 You get the pathos of thatthe investments nobody wanted to steal。 And whenever I would get unduly inflated I would open that drawer and 〃view the remains。〃
I had in that drawer the deed to my Oklahoma corner…lots。 Those lots were going to double next week。 But they did not double I doubled。 They still exist on the blueprint and the Oklahoma metropolis on paper is yet a wide place in the road。
I had in that drawer my deed to my rubber plantation。 Did you ever hear of a rubber plantation in Central America？ That was mine。 I had there my oil propositions。 What a difference； I have learned； between an oil proposition and an oil well！ The learning has been very expensive。
I used to wonder how I ever could spend my income。 I do not wonder now。 I wonder how I will make it。
I had in that drawer my 〃Everglade〃 farm。 Did you ever hear of the 〃Everglades〃？ I have an alligator ranch there。 It is below the frost…line； also below the water…line。 I will sell it by the gallon。
I had also a bale of mining stock。 I had stock in gold mines and silver mines。 Nobody knows how much mining stock I have owned。 Nobody could know while I kept that drawer shut。 As I looked over my gold and silver mine stock； I often noticed that it was printed in green。 I used to wonder why they printed it in greenwonder if they wanted it to harmonize with me！ And I would realize I had so much to live forthe dividends。 I have been so near the dividends I could smell them。 Only one more assessment； then we will cut the melon！ I have heard that all my life and never got a piece of the rind。
Getting 〃Selected〃