按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
not have said。 I tried to perfect myself mentally I studied
everything I could； anything life threw in my way； I tried to
perfect my will； I drew up rules I tried to follow； I perfected
myself physically； cultivating my strength and agility by all sorts
of exercises； and accustoming myself to endurance and patience by
all kinds of privations。 And all this I considered to be the
pursuit of perfection。 the beginning of it all was of course moral
perfection； but that was soon replaced by perfection in general：
by the desire to be better not in my own eyes or those of God but
in the eyes of other people。 And very soon this effort again
changed into a desire to be stronger than others： to be more
famous； more important and richer than others。
II
Some day I will narrate the touching and instructive history
of my life during those ten years of my youth。 I think very many
people have had a like experience。 With all my soul I wished to be
good； but I was young； passionate and alone； completely alone when
I sought goodness。 Every time I tried to express my most sincere
desire； which was to be morally good； I met with contempt and
ridicule； but as soon as I yielded to low passions I was praised
and encouraged。
Ambition； love of power； covetousness； lasciviousness； pride；
anger； and revenge were all respected。
Yielding to those passions I became like the grown…up folk and
felt that they approved of me。 The kind aunt with whom I lived；
herself the purest of beings； always told me that there was nothing
she so desired for me as that I should have relations with a
married woman： 'Rien ne forme un juene homme； comme une liaison
avec une femme comme il faut'。 ＇Footnote： Nothing so forms a
young man as an intimacy with a woman of good breeding。＇ Another
happiness she desired for me was that I should become an aide…de…
camp； and if possible aide…de…camp to the Emperor。 But the
greatest happiness of all would be that I should marry a very rich
girl and so become possessed of as many serfs as possible。
I cannot think of those years without horror； loathing and
heartache。 I killed men in war and challenged men to duels in
order to kill them。 I lost at cards； consumed the labor of the
peasants； sentenced them to punishments； lived loosely； and
deceived people。 Lying； robbery； adultery of all kinds；
drunkenness； violence； murder there was no crime I did not
commit； and in spite of that people praised my conduct and my
contemporaries considered and consider me to be a comparatively
moral man。
So I lived for ten years。
During that time I began to write from vanity； covetousness；
and pride。 In my writings I did the same as in my life。 to get
fame and money； for the sake of which I wrote； it was necessary to
hide the good and to display the evil。 and I did so。 How often in
my writings I contrived to hide under the guise of indifference； or
even of banter； those strivings of mine towards goodness which gave
meaning to my life！ And I succeeded in this and was praised。
At twenty…six years of age ＇Footnote： He was in fact 27 at the
time。＇ I returned to Petersburg after the war； and met the writers。
They received me as one of themselves and flattered me。 And before
I had time to look round I had adopted the views on life of the set
of authors I had come among； and these views completely obliterated
all my former strivings to improve they furnished a theory which
justified the dissoluteness of my life。
The view of life of these people； my comrades in authorship；
consisted in this： that life in general goes on developing； and in
this development we men of thought have the chief part； and
among men of thought it is we artists and poets who have the
greatest influence。 Our vocation is to teach mankind。 And lest
the simple question should suggest itself： What do I know； and what
can I teach？ it was explained in this theory that this need not be
known； and that the artist and poet teach unconsciously。 I was
considered an admirable artist and poet； and therefore it was very
natural for me to adopt this theory。 I； artist and poet； wrote and
taught without myself knowing what。 For this I was paid money； I
had excellent food； lodging； women； and society； and I had fame；
which showed that what I taught was very good。
this faith in the meaning of poetry and in the development of
life was a religion； and I was one of its priests。 To be its
priest was very pleasant and profitable。 And I lived a
considerable time in this faith without doubting its validity。 But
in the second and still more in the third year of this life I began
to doubt the infallibility of this religion and to examine it。 My
first cause of doubt was that I began to notice that the priests of
this religion were not all in accord among themselves。 Some said：
We are the best and most useful teachers； we teach what is needed；
but the others teach wrongly。 Others said： No！ we are the real
teachers； and you teach wrongly。 and they disputed； quarrelled；
abused； cheated； and tricked one another。 There were also many
among us who did not care who was right and who was wrong； but were
simply bent on attaining their covetous aims by means of this
activity of ours。 All this obliged me to doubt the validity of our
creed。
Moreover； having begun to doubt the truth of the authors'
creed itself； I also began to observe its priests more attentively；
and I became convinced that almost all the priests of that
religion； the writers； were immoral； and for the most part men of
bad； worthless character； much inferior to those whom I had met in
my former dissipated and military life； but they were self…
confident and self…satisfied as only those can be who are quite
holy or who do not know what holiness is。 These people revolted
me； I became revolting to myself； and I realized that that faith
was a fraud。
But strange to say； though I understood this fraud and
renounced it； yet I did not renounce the rank these people gave me：
the rank of artist； poet； and teacher。 I naively imagined that I
was a poet and artist and could teach everybody without myself
knowing what I was teaching； and I acted accordingly。
From my intimacy with these men I acquired a new vice：
abnormally developed pride and an insane assurance that it was my
vocation to teach men； without knowing what。
To remember that time； and my own state of mind and that of
those men （though there are thousands like them today）； is sad and
terrible and ludicrous； and arouses exactly the feeling one
experiences in a lunatic asylum。
We were all then convinced that it was necessary for us to
speak； write； and print as quickly as possible and as much as
possible； and that it was all wanted for the good of humanity。 And
thousands of us； contradicting and abusing one another； all printed
and wrote