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and a tall； shining hat a little on one side。 But thank Heaven！
it was not Dromoreonly one somewhat like him； who in passing
stared sphinx…like at Nell。 And Lennan said：
〃You must go home now； child； we mustn't be seen together。〃
For a moment he thought she was going to break down； refuse to
leave him。 Then she threw up her head； and for a second stood like
that； quite motionless； looking in his face。 Suddenly stripping
off her glove； she thrust her warm； clinging hand into his。 Her
lips smiled faintly； tears stood in her eyes； then she drew her
hand away and plunged into the traffic。 He saw her turn the corner
of her street and disappear。 And with the warmth of that
passionate little hand still stinging his palm； he almost ran
towards Hyde Park。
Taking no heed of direction； he launched himself into its dark
space； deserted in this cold； homeless wind； that had little sound
and no scent； travelling its remorseless road under the grey…black
sky。
The dark firmament and keen cold air suited one who had little need
of aids to emotionone who had； indeed； but the single wish to get
rid； if he only could； of the terrible sensation in his head； that
bruised； battered； imprisoned feeling of a man who paces his cell
never； never to get out at either end。 Without thought or
intention he drove his legs along； not running； because he knew
that he would have to stop the sooner。 Alas！ what more comic
spectacle for the eyes of a good citizen than this married man of
middle age； striding for hours over those dry； dark； empty
pastureshunted by passion and by pity； so that he knew not even
whether he had dined！ But no good citizen was abroad of an autumn
night in a bitter easterly wind。 The trees were the sole witnesses
of this grim exercisethe trees； resigning to the cold blast their
crinkled leaves that fluttered past him； just a little lighter than
the darkness。 Here and there his feet rustled in the drifts；
waiting their turn to serve the little bonfires； whose scent still
clung in the air。 A desperate walk； in this heart of Londonround
and round； up and down； hour after hour； keeping always in the
dark； not a star in the sky； not a human being spoken to or even
clearly seen； not a bird or beast； just the gleam of the lights far
away； and the hoarse muttering of the traffic！ A walk as lonely as
the voyage of the human soul is lonely from birth to death with
nothing to guide it but the flickering glow from its own frail
spirit lighted it knows not where。 。 。 。
And； so tired that he could hardly move his legs； but free at last
of that awful feeling in his headfree for the first time for days
and daysLennan came out of the Park at the gate where he had gone
in； and walked towards his home； certain that tonight； one way or
the other； it would be decided。 。 。 。
XV
This thenthis long trouble of body and of spiritwas what he
remembered； sitting in the armchair beyond his bedroom fire；
watching the glow； and Sylvia sleeping there exhausted； while the
dark plane…tree leaves tap…tapped at the window in the autumn wind；
watching； with the uncanny certainty that； he would not pass the
limits of this night without having made at last a decision that
would not alter。 For even conflict wears itself out； even
indecision has this measure set to its miserable powers of torture；
that any issue in the end is better than the hell of indecision
itself。 Once or twice in those last days even death had seemed to
him quite tolerable； but now that his head was clear and he had
come to grips； death passed out of his mind like the shadow that it
was。 Nothing so simple； extravagant； and vain could serve him。
Other issues had reality； deathnone。 To leave Sylvia； and take
this young love away； there was reality in that； but it had always
faded as soon as it shaped itself； and now once more it faded。 To
put such a public and terrible affront on a tender wife whom he
loved； do her to death； as it were； before the world's eyesand
then； ever remorseful； grow old while the girl was still young？ He
could not。 If Sylvia had not loved him； yes； or； even if he had
not loved her； or if； again； though loving him she had stood upon
her rightsin any of those events he might have done it。 But to
leave her whom he did love； and who had said to him so generously：
〃I will not hamper yougo to her〃would be a black atrocity。
Every memory； from their boy…and…girl lovering to the desperate
clinging of her arms these last two nightsmemory with its
innumerable tentacles； the invincible strength of its countless
threads； bound him to her too fast。 What then？ Must it come；
after all； to giving up the girl？ And sitting there； by that warm
fire； he shivered。 How desolate； sacrilegious； wasteful to throw
love away； to turn from the most precious of all gifts； to drop and
break that vase！ There was not too much love in the world； nor too
much warmth and beautynot； anyway； for those whose sands were
running out； whose blood would soon be cold。
Could Sylvia not let him keep both her love and the girl's？ Could
she not bear that？ She had said she could； but her face； her eyes；
her voice gave her the lie； so that every time he heard her his
heart turned sick with pity。 This； then； was the real issue。
Could he accept from her such a sacrifice； exact a daily misery；
see her droop and fade beneath it？ Could he bear his own happiness
at such a cost？ Would it be happiness at all？ He got up from the
chair and crept towards her。 She looked very fragile sleeping
there！ The darkness below her closed eyelids showed cruelly on
that too fair skin； and in her flax…coloured hair he saw what he
had never noticeda few strands of white。 Her softly opened lips；
almost colourless； quivered with her uneven breathing； and now and
again a little feverish shiver passed up as from her heart。 All
soft and fragile！ Not much life； not much strength； youth and
beauty slipping！ To know that he who should be her champion
against age and time would day by day be placing one more mark upon
her face； one more sorrow in her heart！ That he should do this
they both going down the years together！
As he stood there holding his breath； bending to look at her； that
slurring swish of the plane…tree branch； flung against and against
the window by the autumn wind； seemed filling the whole world。
Then her lips moved in one of those little； soft hurrying whispers
that unhappy dreamers utter； the words all blurred with their
wistful rushing。
And he thought： I； who believe in bravery and kindness； I； who hate
crueltyif I do this cruel thing； what shall I have to live for；
how shall I work； how bear myself？ If I do it； I am lostan
outcast from my own faitha renegade from all that I believe in。
And； kneeling there close to that face so sad and lonely； that
heart so beaten even in its sleep； he knew that he could not do it
knew it with sudden certainty； and a curious sense of peace。
Over！the long struggleover at last！ Youth with youth； summer
to summer； falling leaf with falling leaf！ And behind him the fire
flickered； and the plane…tree leaves tap…tapped。
He rose； and crept aw