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the dark flower-第6章

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frosty dew melts off grass。  And her very soul contracted within
her; as if she had become identified with what he was seeinga
something to be passed over; a very nothing。  Yes; his was the face
of one looking at what was unintelligible; and therefore
negligible; at that which had no soul; at something of a different
and inferior species and of no great interest to a man。  His face
was like a soundless avowal of some conclusion; so fixed and
intimate that it must surely emanate from the very core of himbe
instinctive; unchangeable。  This was the real he!  A man despising
women!  Her first thought was: And he's marriedwhat a fate!  Her
second: If he feels that; perhaps thousands of men do!  Am I and
all women really what they think us?  The conviction in his stare
its through…and…through convictionhad infected her; and she gave
in to it for the moment; crushed。  Then her spirit revolted with
such turbulence; and the blood so throbbed in her; that she could
hardly lie still。  How dare he think her like thata nothing; a
bundle of soulless inexplicable whims and moods and sensuality?  A
thousand times; No!  It was HE who was the soulless one; the dry;
the godless one; who; in his sickening superiority; could thus deny
her; and with her all women!  That stare was as if he saw hera
doll tricked out in garments labelled soul; spirit; rights;
responsibilities; dignity; freedomall so many words。  It was
vile; it was horrible; that he should see her thus!  And a really
terrific struggle began in her between the desire to get up and cry
this out; and the knowledge that it would be stupid; undignified;
even mad; to show her comprehension of what he would never admit or
even understand that he had revealed to her。  And then a sort of
cynicism came to her rescue。  What a funny thing was married life
to have lived all these years with him; and never known what was at
the bottom of his heart!  She had the feeling now that; if she went
up to him and said: 〃I am in love with that boy!〃 it would only
make him droop the corners of his mouth and say in his most satiric
voice: 〃Really!  That is very interesting!〃would not change in
one iota his real thoughts of her; only confirm him in the
conviction that she was negligible; inexplicable; an inferior
strange form of animal; of no real interest to him。

And then; just when she felt that she could not hold herself in any
longer; he got up; passed on tiptoe to the door; opened it
noiselessly; and went out。

The moment he had gone; she jumped up。  So; then; she was linked to
one for whom she; for whom women; did not; as it were; exist!  It
seemed to her that she had stumbled on knowledge of almost sacred
importance; on the key of everything that had been puzzling and
hopeless in their married life。  If he really; secretly; whole…
heartedly despised her; the only feeling she need have for one so
dry; so narrow; so basically stupid; was just contempt。  But she
knew well enough that contempt would not shake what she had seen in
his face; he was impregnably walled within his clever; dull
conviction of superiority。  He was for ever intrenched; and she
would always be only the assailant。  Thoughwhat did it matter;
now?

Usually swift; almost careless; she was a long time that evening
over her toilette。  Her neck was very sunburnt; and she lingered;
doubtful whether to hide it with powder; or accept her gipsy
colouring。  She did accept it; for she saw that it gave her eyes;
so like glacier ice; under their black lashes; and her hair; with
its surprising glints of flame colour; a peculiar value。

When the dinner…bell rang she passed her husband's door without; as
usual; knocking; and went down alone。

In the hall she noticed some of the English party of the mountain
hut。  They did not greet her; conceiving an immediate interest in
the barometer; but she could feel them staring at her very hard。
She sat down to wait; and at once became conscious of the boy
coming over from the other side of the room; rather like a person
walking in his sleep。  He said not a word。  But how he looked!  And
her heart began to beat。  Was this the moment she had longed for?
If it; indeed; had come; dared she take it?  Then she saw her
husband descending the stairs; saw him greet the English party;
heard the intoning of their drawl。  She looked up at the boy; and
said quickly: 〃Was it a happy day?〃  It gave her such delight to
keep that look on his face; that look as if he had forgotten
everything except just the sight of her。  His eyes seemed to have
in them something holy at that moment; something of the wonder…
yearning of Nature and of innocence。  It was dreadful to know that
in a moment that look must be gone; perhaps never to come back on
his facethat look so precious!  Her husband was approaching now!
Let him see; if he would!  Let him see that someone could adore
that she was not to everyone a kind of lower animal。  Yes; he must
have seen the boy's face; and yet his expression never changed。  He
noticed nothing!  Or was it that he disdained to notice?


VII


Then followed for young Lennan a strange time; when he never knew
from minute to minute whether he was happyalways trying to be
with her; restless if he could not be; sore if she talked with and
smiled at others; yet; when he was with her; restless too;
unsatisfied; suffering from his own timidity。

One wet morning; when she was playing the hotel piano; and he
listening; thinking to have her to himself; there came a young
German violinistpale; and with a brown; thin…waisted coat;
longish hair; and little whiskersrather a beast; in fact。  Soon;
of course; this young beast was asking her to accompany himas if
anyone wanted to hear him play his disgusting violin!  Every word
and smile that she gave him hurt so; seeing how much more
interesting than himself this foreigner was!  And his heart grew
heavier and heavier; and he thought: If she likes him I ought not
to mindonly; I DO mind!  How can I help minding?  It was hateful
to see her smiling; and the young beast bending down to her。  And
they were talking German; so that he could not tell what they were
saying; which made it more unbearable。  He had not known there
could be such torture。

And then he began to want to hurt her; too。  But that was mean
besides; how could he hurt her?  She did not care for him。  He was
nothing to heronly a boy。  If she really thought him only a boy;
who felt so oldit would be horrible。  It flashed across him that
she might be playing that young violinist against him!  No; she
never would do that!  But the young beast looked just the sort that
might take advantage of her smiles。  If only he WOULD do something
that was not respectful; how splendid it would be to ask him to
come for a walk in the woods; and; having told him why; give him a
thrashing。  Afterwards; he would not tell her; he would not try to
gain credit by it。  He would keep away till she wanted him back。
But suddenly the thought of what he would feel if she really meant
to take this young man as her friend in place of him became so
actual; so poignant; so horribly painful; that he got up abruptly
and went toward
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