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live。〃
〃And do you think that I don't long for you？〃
〃Then come to me！〃
She looked at him mournfully and shook her head。
Well； he had known that she would not。 He had not earned her。
What right had he to ask her to fly against the world； to brave
everything； to have such faith in himas yet？ He had no heart to
press his words； beginning then to understand the paralyzing truth
that there was no longer any resolving this or that； with love like
his he had ceased to be a separate being with a separate will。 He
was entwined with her； could act only if her will and his were one。
He would never be able to say to her： 'You must！' He loved her too
much。 And she knew it。 So there was nothing for it but to forget
the ache； and make the hour happy。 But how about that other truth
that in love there is no pause； no resting？ 。 。 。 With any
watering； however scant； the flower will grow till its time comes
to be plucked。 。 。 。 This oasis in the desertthese few minutes
with her alone； were swept through and through with a feverish
wind。 To be closer！ How not try to be that？ How not long for her
lips when he had but her hand to kiss？ And how not be poisoned
with the thought that in a few minutes she would leave him and go
back to the presence of that other； who； even though she loathed
him； could see and touch her when he would？ She was leaning back
in the very chair where in fancy he had seen her； and he only dared
sit at her feet and look up。 And this； which a week ago would have
been rapture； was now almost torture； so far did it fall short of
his longing。 It was torture； too； to keep his voice in tune with
the sober sweetness of her voice。 And bitterly he thought： How can
she sit there； and not want me； as I want her？ Then at a touch of
her fingers on his hair； he lost control； and kissed her lips。 Her
surrender lasted only for a second。
〃No； noyou must not！〃
That mournful surprise sobered him at once。
He got up； stood away from her； begged to be forgiven。
And； when she was gone； he sat in the chair where she had sat。
That clasp of her； the kiss he had begged her to forgetto
forget！nothing could take that from him。 He had done wrong； had
startled her； had fallen short of chivalry！ And yeta smile of
utter happiness would cling about his lips。 His fastidiousness；
his imagination almost made him think that this was all he wanted。
If he could close his eyes； now； and pass out； before he lost that
moment of half…fulfilment！
And； the smile still on his lips； he lay back watching the flies
wheeling and chasing round the hanging…lamp。 Sixteen of them there
were； wheeling and chasingnever still！
XII
When； walking from Lennan's studio； Olive reentered her dark little
hall； she approached its alcove and glanced first at the hat…stand。
They were all therethe silk hat； the bowler； the straw！ So he
was in！ And within each hat； in turn； she seemed to see her
husband's headwith the face turned away from herso distinctly
as to note the leathery look of the skin of his cheek and neck。
And she thought： 〃I pray that he will die！ It is wicked； but I
pray that he will die！〃 Then； quietly； that he might not hear； she
mounted to her bedroom。 The door into his dressing…room was open；
and she went to shut it。 He was standing there at the window。
〃Ah！ You're in！ Been anywhere？〃
〃To the National Gallery。〃
It was the first direct lie she had ever told him； and she was
surprised to feel neither shame nor fear； but rather a sense of
pleasure at defeating him。 He was the enemy； all the more the
enemy because she was still fighting against herself； and； so
strangely； in his behalf。
〃Alone？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃Rather boring； wasn't it？ I should have thought you'd have got
young Lennan to take you there。〃
〃Why？〃
By instinct she had seized on the boldest answer； and there was
nothing to be told from her face。 If he were her superior in
strength； he was her inferior in quickness。
He lowered his eyes； and said：
〃His line； isn't it？〃
With a shrug she turned away and shut the door。 She sat down on
the edge of her bed； very still。 In that little passage of wits
she had won； she could win in many such； but the full hideousness
of things had come to her。 Lies！ lies！ That was to be her life！
That； or to say farewell to all she now cared for； to cause despair
not only in herself； but in her lover； andfor what？ In order
that her body might remain at the disposal of that man in the next
roomher spirit having flown from him for ever。 Such were the
alternatives； unless those words： 〃Then come to me；〃 were to be
more than words。 Were they？ Could they be？ They would mean such
happiness ifif his love for her were more than a summer love？
And hers for him？ Was itwere theymore than summer loves？ How
know？ And； without knowing； how give such pain to everyone？ How
break a vow she had thought herself quite above breaking？ How make
such a desperate departure from all the traditions and beliefs in
which she had been brought up！ But in the very nature of passion
is that which resents the intrusion of hard and fast decisions。 。 。 。
And suddenly she thought： If our love cannot stay what it is；
and if I cannot yet go to him for always； is there not still
another way？
She got up and began to dress for dinner。 Standing before her
glass she was surprised to see that her face showed no signs of the
fears and doubts that were now her comrades。 Was it because；
whatever happened； she loved and was beloved！ She wondered how she
had looked when he kissed her so passionately； had she shown her
joy before she checked him？
In her garden by the river were certain flowers that； for all her
care； would grow rank and of the wrong colourwanting a different
soil。 Was she； then； like those flowers of hers？ Ah！ Let her but
have her true soil； and she would grow straight and true enough！
Then in the doorway she saw her husband。 She had never； till to…
day； quite hated him； but now she did； with a real blind horrible
feeling。 What did he want of her standing there with those eyes
fixed on herthose forceful eyes； touched with blood； that seemed
at once to threaten； covet； and beseech！ She drew her wrapper
close round her shoulders。 At that he came up and said：
〃Look at me； Olive！〃
Against instinct and will she obeyed； and he went on：
〃Be careful！ I say； be careful！〃
Then he took her by the shoulders； and raised her up to him。 And；
quite unnerved； she stood without resisting。
〃I want you；〃 he said； 〃I mean to keep you。〃
Then； suddenly letting her go； he covered his eyes with his hands。
That frightened her mostit was so unlike him。 Not till now had
she understood between what terrifying forces she was balancing。
She did not speak； but her face grew white。 From behind those
hands he uttered a sound； not quite like a human noise； turned
sharply； and went out。 She dropped back into the chair before her
mirror； overcome by the most singular feeling she had ever known；
as if she had lost everything； even her love for Lennan； and her
longing for his love。 What was it all worth； what was anything
wo