按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
the former course convinced me； the latter pleased and held me
bound。 There was naught in me to answer thy call 'Awake； thou
sleeper；' but only drawling； drowsy words； 'Presently； yes；
presently； wait a little while。' But the 'presently' had no
'present；' and the 'little while' grew long。 。 。 。 For I was
afraid thou wouldst hear me too soon； and heal me at once of my
disease of lust； which I wished to satiate rather than to see
extinguished。 With what lashes of words did I not scourge my own
soul。 Yet it shrank back； it refused； though it had no excuse to
offer。 。 。 。 I said within myself： 'Come； let it be done now；'
and as I said it； I was on the point of the resolve。 I all but
did it； yet I did not do it。 And I made another effort； and
almost succeeded； yet I did not reach it； and did not grasp it；
hesitating to die to death； and live to life； and the evil to
which I was so wonted held me more than the better life I had not
tried。〃＇92＇
＇92＇ Confessions； Book VIII。； Chaps。 v。； vii。； xi。； abridged。
There could be no more perfect description of the divided will；
when the higher wishes lack just that last acuteness； that touch
of explosive intensity； of dynamogenic quality （to use the slang
of the psychologists）； that enables them to burst their shell；
and make irruption efficaciously into life and quell the lower
tendencies forever。 In a later lecture we shall have much to say
about this higher excitability。
I find another good description of the divided will in the
autobiography of Henry Alline； the Nova Scotian evangelist； of
whose melancholy I read a brief account in my last lecture。 The
poor youth's sins were； as you will see； of the most harmless
order； yet they interfered with what proved to be his truest
vocation； so they gave him great distress。
〃I was now very moral in my life； but found no rest of
conscience。 I now began to be esteemed in young company； who
knew nothing of my mind all this while； and their esteem began to
be a snare to my soul； for I soon began to be fond of carnal
mirth； though I still flattered myself that if I did not get
drunk； nor curse； nor swear； there would be no sin in frolicking
and carnal mirth； and I thought God would indulge young people
with some （what I called simple or civil） recreation。 I still
kept a round of duties； and would not suffer myself to run into
any open vices； and so got along very well in time of health and
prosperity； but when I was distressed or threatened by sickness；
death； or heavy storms of thunder； my religion would not do； and
I found there was something wanting； and would begin to repent my
going so much to frolics； but when the distress was over； the
devil and my own wicked heart； with the solicitations of my
associates； and my fondness for young company； were such strong
allurements； I would again give way； and thus I got to be very
wild and rude； at the same time kept up my rounds of secret
prayer and reading； but God； not willing I should destroy myself；
still followed me with his calls； and moved with such power upon
my conscience； that I could not satisfy myself with my
diversions； and in the midst of my mirth sometimes would have
such a sense of my lost and undone condition； that I would wish
myself from the company； and after it was over； when I went home；
would make many promises that I would attend no more on these
frolics； and would beg forgiveness for hours and hours； but when
I came to have the temptation again； I would give way： no
sooner would I hear the music and drink a glass of wine； but I
would find my mind elevated and soon proceed to any sort of
merriment or diversion； that I thought was not debauched or
openly vicious； but when I returned from my carnal mirth I felt
as guilty as ever； and could sometimes not close my eyes for some
hours after I had gone to my bed。 I was one of the most unhappy
creatures on earth。
〃Sometimes I would leave the company （often speaking to the
fiddler to cease from playing； as if I was tired）； and go out and
walk about crying and praying； as if my very heart would break；
and beseeching God that he would not cut me off； nor give me up
to hardness of heart。 Oh； what unhappy hours and nights I thus
wore away！ When I met sometimes with merry companions； and my
heart was ready to sink； I would labor to put on as cheerful a
countenance as possible； that they might not distrust anything；
and sometimes would begin some discourse with young men or young
women on purpose； or propose a merry song； lest the distress of
my soul would be discovered； or mistrusted； when at the same time
I would then rather have been in a wilderness in exile； than with
them or any of their pleasures or enjoyments。 Thus for many
months when I was in company？ I would act the hypocrite and
feign a merry heart but at the same time would endeavor as much
as I could to shun their company； oh wretched and unhappy mortal
that I was！ Everything I did； and wherever I went； I was still
in a storm and yet I continued to be the chief contriver and
ringleader of the frolics for many months after； though it was a
toil and torment to attend them； but the devil and my own wicked
heart drove me about like a slave； telling me that I must do this
and do that； and bear this and bear that； and turn here and turn
there； to keep my credit up； and retain the esteem of my
associates： and all this while I continued as strict as possible
in my duties； and left no stone unturned to pacify my conscience；
watching even against my thoughts； and praying continually
wherever I went： for I did not think there was any sin in my
conduct； when I was among carnal company； because I did not take
any satisfaction there； but only followed it； I thought； for
sufficient reasons。
〃But still； all that I did or could do； conscience would roar
night and day。〃
Saint Augustine and Alline both emerged into the smooth waters of
inner unity and peace； and I shall next ask you to consider more
closely some of the peculiarities of the process of unification；
when it occurs。 It may come gradually； or it may occur abruptly；
it may come through altered feelings； or through altered powers
of action； or it may come through new intellectual insights； or
through experiences which we shall later have to designate as
'mystical。' However it come； it brings a characteristic sort of
relief； and never such extreme relief as when it is cast into the
religious mould。 Happiness！ happiness！ religio