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the days of my life。 If other children should draw their nourishment
from me； they would drink in tears mingling with the milk； and turning
it sour。 I seem a light thing； you regard me as a childAh yes！ I
have a child's memory； the memory which returns to us on the verge of
the tomb。 So； you see； there is not a situation in that beautiful life
to which the world and my husband's love want to recall me； which is
not a false position； which does not cover a snare or reveal a
precipice down which I must fall； torn by pitiless rocks。 For five
years now I have been wandering in the sandy desert of the future
without finding a place convenient to repent in； because my soul is
possessed by true repentance。
〃 'Religion has its answers ready to all this； and I know them by
heart。 This suffering； these difficulties； are my punishment； she
says； and God will give me strength to endure them。 This； monsieur； is
an argument to certain pious souls gifted with an energy which I have
not。 I have made my choice between this hell； where God does not
forbid my blessing Him； and the hell that awaits me under Count
Octave's roof。
〃 'One word more。 If I were still a girl； with the experience I now
have； my husband is the man I should choose； but that is the very
reason of my refusal。 I could not bear to blush before that man。 What！
I should be always on my knees； he always standing upright； and if we
were to exchange positions； I should scorn him！ I will not be better
treated by him in consequence of my sin。 The angel who might venture
under such circumstances on certain liberties which are permissible
when both are equally blameless； is not on earth； he dwells in heaven！
Octave is full of delicate feeling； I know； but even in his soul
（which； however generous； is a man's soul after all） there is no
guarantee for the new life I should lead with him。
〃 'Come then； and tell me where I may find the solitude； the peace；
the silence； so kindly to irreparable woes； which you promised me。'
〃After making this copy of the letter to preserve it complete； I went
to the Rue Payenne。 Anxiety had conquered the power of opium。 Octave
was walking up and down his garden like a madman。
〃 'Answer that！' said I； giving him his wife's letter。 'Try to
reassure the modesty of experience。 It is rather more difficult than
conquering the modesty of ignorance； which curiosity helps to betray。'
〃 'She is mine！' cried the Count； whose face expressed joy as he went
on reading the letter。
〃He signed to me with his hand to leave him to himself。 I understood
that extreme happiness and extreme pain obey the same laws； I went in
to receive Madame de Courteville and Amelie； who were to dine with the
Count that day。 However handsome Mademoiselle de Courteville might be；
I felt； on seeing her once more； that love has three aspects； and that
the women who can inspire us with perfect love are very rare。 As I
involuntarily compared Amelie with Honorine； I found the erring wife
more attractive than the pure girl。 To Honorine's heart fidelity had
not been a duty； but the inevitable； while Amelie would serenely
pronounce the most solemn promises without knowing their purport or to
what they bound her。 The crushed； the dead woman； so to speak； the
sinner to be reinstated； seemed to me sublime； she incited the special
generosities of a man's nature； she demanded all the treasures of the
heart； all the resources of strength； she filled his life and gave the
zest of a conflict to happiness； whereas Amelie； chaste and confiding；
would settle down into the sphere of peaceful motherhood； where the
commonplace must be its poetry； and where my mind would find no
struggle and no victory。
〃Of the plains of Champagne and the snowy； storm…beaten but sublime
Alps； what young man would choose the chalky； monotonous level？ No；
such comparisons are fatal and wrong on the threshold of the Mairie。
Alas！ only the experience of life can teach us that marriage excludes
passion； that a family cannot have its foundation on the tempests of
love。 After having dreamed of impossible love； with its infinite
caprices； after having tasted the tormenting delights of the ideal； I
saw before me modest reality。 Pity me； for what could be expected！ At
five…and…twenty I did not trust myself； but I took a manful
resolution。
〃I went back to the Count to announce the arrival of his relations；
and I saw him grown young again in the reflected light of hope。
〃 'What ails you； Maurice？' said he； struck by my changed expression。
〃 'Monsieur le Comte'
〃 'No longer Octave？ You； to whom I shall owe my life； my
happiness'
〃 'My dear Octave； if you should succeed in bringing the Countess back
to her duty； I have studied her well'（he looked at me as Othello
must have looked at Iago when Iago first contrived to insinuate a
suspicion into the Moor's mind）'she must never see me again； she
must never know that Maurice was your secretary。 Never mention my name
to her； or all will be undone。 。 。 。 You have got me an appointment as
Maitre des Requeteswell； get me instead some diplomatic post abroad；
a consulship； and do not think of my marrying Amelie。Oh！ do not be
uneasy；' I added； seeing him draw himself up； 'I will play my part to
the end。'
〃 'Poor boy！' said he； taking my hand； which he pressed； while he kept
back the tears that were starting to his eyes。
〃 'You gave me the gloves；' I said； laughing； 'but I have not put them
on； that is all。'
〃We then agreed as to what I was to do that evening at Honorine's
house； whither I presently returned。 It was now August； the day had
been hot and stormy； but the storm hung overhead； the sky was like
copper； the scent of the flowers was heavy； I felt as if I were in an
oven； and caught myself wishing that the Countess might have set out
for the Indies； but she was sitting on a wooden bench shaped like a
sofa； under an arbor； in a loose dress of white muslin fastened with
blue bows； her hair unadorned in waving bands over her cheeks； her
feet on a small wooden stool； and showing a little way beyond her
skirt。 She did not rise； she showed me with her hand to the seat by
her side； saying：
〃 'Now； is not life at a deadlock for me？'
〃 'Life as you have made it； I replied。 'But not the life I propose to
make for you； for； if you choose； you may be very happy。 。 。 。'
〃 'How？' said she； her whole person was a question。
〃 'Your letter is in the Count's hands。'
〃Honorine started like a frightened doe； sprang to a few paces off；
walked down the garden； turned about； remained standing for some
minutes； and finally went in to sit alone in the drawing…room； where I
joined her； after giving her time to get accustomed to the pain of
this poniard thrust。
〃 'Youa friend？ Say rather a traitor！ A spy； perhaps； sent by my
husband。'
〃Instinct in women is as strong as the perspicacity of great men。
〃 'You wanted an answer to your letter； did you not？ And there was but
one man in the world who could write it。 You must read the reply； my
dear Countess； and if after reading it you still find that your life
is a deadlock； the spy will prove himself a friend； I will place you
i