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stages of excitement。 They manifested by the usual signs their
impatience to have the performance begin； and I confess that I shared
this； though I did not take part in the demonstration。
II。
I have no intention of following the events seriatim。 Front time to time
during their progress I renewed my old one…sided acquaintance with the
circus…men。 They were quite the same people； I believe； but strangely
softened and ameliorated； as I hope I am； and looking not a day older；
which I cannot say of myself； exactly。 The supernumeraries were patently
farmer boys who had entered newly upon that life in a spirit of
adventure； and who wore their partial liveries； a braided coat here and a
pair of striped trousers there； with a sort of timorous pride； a
deprecating bravado； as if they expected to be hooted by the spectators
and were very glad when they were not。 The man who went round with a dog
to keep boys from hooking in under the curtain had grown gentler； and his
dog did not look as if he would bite the worst boy in town。 The man came
up and asked the young mother about her sleeping child； and I inferred
that the child had been sick； and was therefore unusually interesting to
all the great； kind…hearted； simple circus family。 He was good to the
poor supes； and instructed them； not at all sneeringly； how best to
manage the guy ropes for the nets when the trapeze events began。
There was； in fact； an air of pleasing domesticity diffused over the
whole circus。 This was； perhaps； partly an effect from our extreme
proximity to its performances； I had never been on quite such intimate
terms with equitation and aerostation of all kinds； but I think it was
also largely from the good hearts of the whole company。 A circus must
become； during the season； a great brotherhood and sisterhood； especially
sisterhood； and its members must forget finally that they are not united
by ties of blood。 I dare say they often become so； as husbands and wives
and fathers and mothers； if not as brothers。
The domestic effect was heightened almost poignantly when a young lady in
a Turkish…towel bath…gown came out and stood close by the band； waiting
for her act on a barebacked horse of a conventional pattern。 She really
looked like a young goddess in a Turkish…towel bath…gown： goddesses must
have worn bath…gowns； especially Venus； who was often imagined in the
bath； or just out of it。 But when this goddess threw off her bath…gown；
and came bounding into the ring as gracefully as the clogs she wore on
her slippers would let her； she was much more modestly dressed than most
goddesses。 What I am trying to say； however； is that； while she stood
there by the band； she no more interested the musicians than if she were
their collective sister。 They were all in their shirt…sleeves for the
sake of the coolness； and they banged and trumpeted and fluted away as
indifferent to her as so many born brothers。
Indeed； when the gyrations of her horse brought her to our side of the
ring； she was visibly not so youthful and not so divine as she might have
been； but the girl who did the trapeze acts； and did them wonderfully；
left nothing to be desired in that regard； though really I do not see why
we who have neither youth nor beauty should always expect it of other
people。 I think it would have been quite enough for her to do the
trapeze acts so perfectly； but her being so pretty certainly added a
poignancy to the contemplation of her perils。 One could follow every
motion of her anxiety in that close proximity： the tremor of her chin as
she bit her lips before taking her flight through the air； the straining
eagerness of her eye as she measured the distance； the frown with which
she forbade herself any shrinking or reluctance。
III。
How strange is life； how sad and perplexing its contradictions！ Why
should such an exhibition as that be supposed to give pleasure？ Perhaps
it does not give pleasure； but is only a necessary fulfilment of one of
the many delusions we are in with regard to each other in this
bewildering world。 They are of all sorts and degrees； these delusions；
and I suppose that in the last analysis it was not pleasure I got from
the clown and his clowning； clowned he ever so merrily。 I remember that
I liked hearing his old jokes； not because they were jokes； but because
they were old and endeared by long association。 He sang one song which I
must have heard him sing at my first circus （I am sure it was he）； about
〃Things that I don't like to see；〃 and I heartily agreed with him that
his book of songs； which he sent round to be sold； was fully worth the
half…dime asked for it； though I did not buy it。
Perhaps the rival author in me withheld me； but； as a brother man； I will
not allow that I did not feel for him and suffer with him because of the
thick； white pigment which plentifully coated his face； and； with the
sweat drops upon it； made me think of a newly painted wall in the rain。
He was infinitely older than his personality； than his oldest joke
（though you never can be sure how old a joke is）； and； representatively；
I dare say he outdated the pyramids。 They must have made clowns whiten
their faces in the dawn of time； and no doubt there were drolls among the
antediluvians who enhanced the effect of their fun by that means。 All
the same； I pitied this clown for it； and I fancied in his wildest
waggery the note of a real irascibility。 Shall I say that he seemed the
only member of that little circus who was not of an amiable temper？ But
I do not blame him； and I think it much to have seen a clown once more
who jested audibly with the ringmaster and always got the better of him
in repartee。 It was long since I had known that pleasure。
IV。
Throughout the performance at this circus I was troubled by a curious
question； whether it were really of the same moral and material grandeur
as the circuses it brought to memory； or whether these were thin and
slight； too。 We all know how the places of our childhood； the heights；
the distances； shrink and dwindle when we go back to them； and was it
possible that I had been deceived in the splendor of my early circuses？
The doubt was painful； but I was forced to own that there might be more
truth in it than in a blind fealty to their remembered magnificence。
Very likely circuses have grown not only in size； but in the richness and
variety of their entertainments； and I was spoiled for the simple joys
of this。 But I could see no reflection of my dissatisfaction on the
young faces around me； and I must confess that there was at least so much
of the circus that I left when it was half over。 I meant to go into the
side…shows and see the fat woman and the living skeleton； and take the
giant by the hand and the armless man by his friendly foot； if I might be
so honored。 But I did none of these things； and I am willing to believe
the fault was in me； if I was disappointed in the circus。 It was I who
had shrunk and dwindled； and not it。 To real boys it was still the size
of the firmament； and was a world of wonders and delights。 At least I
can recognize this fact now； and