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taken； he regretted Paris and his life there。 Suddenly sea…sickness
overcame him。 Every one knows the effect of that disorder。 The most
horrible of its sufferings devoid of danger is a complete dissolution
of the will。 An inexplicable distress relaxes to their very centre the
cords of vitality； the soul no longer performs its functions； the
sufferer becomes indifferent to everything； the mother forgets her
child； the lover his mistress； the strongest man lies prone； like an
inert mass。 Paul was carried to his cabin； where he stayed three days；
lying on his back； gorged with grog by the sailors； or vomiting；
thinking of nothing； and sleeping much。 Then he revived into a species
of convalescence； and returned by degrees to his ordinary condition。
The first morning after he felt better he went on deck and passed the
poop； breathing in the salt breezes of another atmosphere。 Putting his
hands into his pockets he felt the letters。 At once he opened them；
beginning with that of his wife。
In order that the letter of the Comtesse de Manerville be fully
understood； it is necessary to give the one which Paul had written to
her on the day that he left Paris。
From Paul de Manerville to his wife：
My beloved；When you read this letter I shall be far away from
you； perhaps already on the vessel which is to take me to India；
where I am going to repair my shattered fortune。
I have not found courage to tell you of my departure。 I have
deceived you； but it was best to do so。 You would only have been
uselessly distressed； you would have wished to sacrifice your
fortune； and that I could not have suffered。 Dear Natalie； feel no
remorse； I have no regrets。 When I return with millions I shall
imitate your father and lay them at your feet； as he laid his at
the feet of your mother； saying to you： 〃All I have is yours。〃
I love you madly； Natalie； I say this without fear that the
avowal will lead you to strain a power which none but weak men
fear； yours has been boundless from the day I knew you first。 My
love is the only accomplice in my disaster。 I have felt； as my
ruin progressed； the delirious joys of a gambler； as the money
diminished； so my enjoyment grew。 Each fragment of my fortune
turned into some little pleasure for you gave me untold happiness。
I could have wished that you had more caprices that I might
gratify them all。 I knew I was marching to a precipice； but I went
on crowned with joys of which a common heart knows nothing。 I have
acted like those lovers who take refuge in a cottage on the shores
of some lake for a year or two； resolved to kill themselves at
last； dying thus in all the glory of their illusions and their
love。 I have always thought such persons infinitely sensible。
You have known nothing of my pleasures or my sacrifices。 The
greatest joy of all was to hide from the one beloved the cost of
her desires。 I can reveal these secrets to you now； for when you
hold this paper； heavy with love； I shall be far away。 Though I
lose the treasures of your gratitude； I do not suffer that
contraction of the heart which would disable me if I spoke to you
of these matters。 Besides； my own beloved； is there not a tender
calculation in thus revealing to you the history of the past？ Does
it not extend our love into the future？But we need no such
supports！ We love each other with a love to which proof is
needless；a love which takes no note of time or distance； but
lives of itself alone。
Ah！ Natalie； I have just looked at you asleep； trustful； restful
as a little child； your hand stretched toward me。 I left a tear
upon the pillow which has known our precious joys。 I leave you
without fear； on the faith of that attitude； I go to win the
future of our love by bringing home to you a fortune large enough
to gratify your every taste； and let no shadow of anxiety disturb
our joys。 Neither you nor I can do without enjoyments in the life
we live。 To me belongs the task of providing the necessary
fortune。 I am a man； and I have courage。
Perhaps you might seek to follow me。 For that reason I conceal
from you the name of the vessel； the port from which I sail； and
the day of sailing。 After I am gone； when too late to follow me； a
friend will tell you all。
Natalie！ my affection is boundless。 I love you as a mother loves
her child； as a lover loves his mistress； with absolute
unselfishness。 To me the toil； to you the pleasures； to me all
sufferings； to you all happiness。 Amuse yourself； continue your
habits of luxury； go to theatres and operas； enjoy society and
balls； I leave you free for all things。 Dear angel； when you
return to this nest where for five years we have tasted the fruits
which love has ripened think of your friend； think for a moment of
me； and rest upon my heart。
That is all I ask of you。 For myself； dear eternal thought of
mine！ whether under burning skies； toiling for both of us； I face
obstacles to vanquish； or whether； weary with the struggle； I rest
my mind on hopes of a return； I shall think of you alone； of you
who are my life；my blessed life！ Yes； I shall live in you。 I
shall tell myself daily that you have no troubles； no cares； that
you are happy。 As in our natural lives of day and night； of
sleeping and waking； I shall have sunny days in Paris； and nights
of toil in India；a painful dream； a joyful reality； and I shall
live so utterly in that reality that my actual life will pass as a
dream。 I shall have memories！ I shall recall； line by line；
strophe by strophe； our glorious five years' poem。 I shall
remember the days of your pleasure in some new dress or some
adornment which made you to my eyes a fresh delight。 Yes； dear
angel； I go like a man vowed to some great emprize； the guerdon of
which； if success attend him； is the recovery of his beautiful
mistress。 Oh！ my precious love； my Natalie； keep me as a religion
in your heart。 Be the child that I have just seen asleep！ If you
betray my confidence； my blind confidence； you need not fear my
angerbe sure of that； I should die silently。 But a wife does not
deceive the man who leaves her freefor woman is never base。 She
tricks a tyrant； but an easy treachery； which would kill its
victim； she will not commitNo； no！ I will not think of it。
Forgive this cry； this single cry； so natural to the heart of man！
Dear love； you will see de Marsay； he is now the lessee of our
house； and he will leave you in possession of it。 This nominal
lease was necessary to avoid a useless loss。 Our creditors；
ignorant that their payment is a question of time only； would
otherwise have seized the furniture and the temporary possession
of the house。 Be kind to de Marsay； I have the most entire
confidence in his capacity and his loyalty。 Take him as your
defender and advi