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mentioned now and again； and indeed kindly； sometimes in
connection with the word 〃failure〃 and sometimes in conjunction
with the word 〃astonishing。〃 I have no opinion on this
discrepancy。 It's the sort of difference that can never be
settled。 All I know is that； for twenty months； neglecting the
common joys of life that fall to the lot of the humblest on this
earth； I had； like the prophet of old； 〃wrestled with the Lord〃
for my creation； for the headlands of the coast； for the darkness
of the Placid Gulf； the light on the snows； the clouds in the
sky； and for the breath of life that had to be blown into the
shapes of men and women； of Latin and Saxon； of Jew and Gentile。
These are； perhaps； strong words； but it is difficult to
characterize other wise the intimacy and the strain of a creative
effort in which mind and will and conscience are engaged to the
full； hour after hour； day after day； away from the world； and to
the exclusion of all that makes life really lovable and
gentlesomething for which a material parallel can only be found
in the everlasting sombre stress of the westward winter passage
round Cape Horn。 For that； too； is the wrestling of men with the
might of their Creator； in a great isolation from the world；
without the amenities and consolations of life； a lonely struggle
under a sense of overmatched littleness； for no reward that could
be adequate； but for the mere winning of a longitude。 Yet a
certain longitude； once won； cannot be disputed。 The sun and the
stars and the shape of your earth are the witnesses of your gain；
whereas a handful of pages； no matter how much you have made them
your own； are at best but an obscure and questionable spoil。
Here they are。 〃Failure〃〃Astonishing〃： take your choice； or
perhaps both； or neithera mere rustle and flutter of pieces of
paper settling down in the night； and undistinguishable； like the
snowflakes of a great drift destined to melt away in sunshine。
〃How do you do？〃
It was the greeting of the general's daughter。 I had heard
nothingno rustle； no footsteps。 I had felt only a moment
before a sort of premonition of evil； I had the sense of an
inauspicious presencejust that much warning and no more； and
then came the sound of the voice and the jar as of a terrible
fall from a great heighta fall； let us say； from the highest of
the clouds floating in gentle procession over the fields in the
faint westerly air of that July afternoon。 I picked myself up
quickly； of course； in other words； I jumped up from my chair
stunned and dazed； every nerve quivering with the pain of being
uprooted out of one world and flung down into anotherperfectly
civil。
〃Oh！ How do you do？ Won't you sit down？〃
That's what I said。 This horrible but； I assure you； perfectly
true reminiscence tells you more than a whole volume of
confessions a la Jean Jacques Rousseau would do。 Observe！ I
didn't howl at her； or start up setting furniture； or throw
myself on the floor and kick； or allow myself to hint in any
other way at the appalling magnitude of the disaster。 The whole
world of Costaguana （the country； you may remember； of my
seaboard tale）； men； women； headlands； houses； mountains； town；
campo（there was not a single brick； stone； or grain of sand of
its soil I had not placed in position with my own hands）； all the
history； geography； politics； finance； the wealth of Charles
Gould's silver…mine； and the splendour of the magnificent Capataz
de Cargadores； whose name； cried out in the night （Dr。 Monygham
heard it pass over his headin Linda Viola's voice）； dominated
even after death the dark gulf containing his conquests of
treasure and loveall that had come down crashing about my ears。
I felt I could never pick up the piecesand in that very moment
I was saying； 〃Won't you sit down？〃
The sea is strong medicine。 Behold what the quarter…deck
training even in a merchant ship will do！ This episode should
give you a new view of the English and Scots seamen （a
much…caricatured folk） who had the last say in the formation of
my character。 One is nothing if not modest； but in this disaster
I think I have done some honour to their simple teaching。 〃Won't
you sit down？〃 Very fair； very fair； indeed。 She sat down。 Her
amused glance strayed all over the room。
There were pages of MS。 on the table and under the table； a batch
of typed copy on a chair； single leaves had fluttered away into
distant corners； there were there living pages； pages scored and
wounded； dead pages that would be burned at the end of the
daythe litter of a cruel battle…field； of a long； long； and
desperate fray。 Long！ I suppose I went to bed sometimes； and
got up the same number of times。 Yes； I suppose I slept； and ate
the food put before me； and talked connectedly to my household on
suitable occasions。 But I had never been aware of the even flow
of daily life； made easy and noiseless for me by a silent；
watchful； tireless affection。 Indeed； it seemed to me that I had
been sitting at that table surrounded by the litter of a
desperate fray for days and nights on end。 It seemed so； because
of the intense weariness of which that interruption had made me
awarethe awful disenchantment of a mind realizing suddenly the
futility of an enormous task； joined to a bodily fatigue such as
no ordinary amount of fairly heavy physical labour could ever
account for。 I have carried bags of wheat on my back； bent
almost double under a ship's deck…beams； from six in the morning
till six in the evening （with an hour and a half off for meals）；
so I ought to know。
And I love letters。 I am jealous of their honour and concerned
for the dignity and comeliness of their service。 I was； most
likely； the only writer that neat lady had ever caught in the
exercise of his craft； and it distressed me not to be able to
remember when it was that I dressed myself last； and how。 No
doubt that would be all right in essentials。 The fortune of the
house included a pair of gray…blue watchful eyes that would see
to that。 But I felt； somehow； as grimy as a Costaguana lepero
after a day's fighting in the streets； rumpled all over and
dishevelled down to my very heels。 And I am afraid I blinked
stupidly。 All this was bad for the honour of letters and the
dignity of their service。 Seen indistinctly through the dust of
my collapsed universe； the good lady glanced about the room with
a slightly amused serenity。 And she was smiling。 What on earth
was she smi