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and cast me for the hero … or the victim … which is very much the
same。 The first duty of heroics is to be of your own choosing。
When they are not that； they are nothing。 And I assure you； as I
walked back to my own room； I was in no very complaisant humour：
thought my uncle and Mr。 Romaine to have played knuckle…bones with
my life and prospects； cursed them for it roundly； had no wish more
urgent than to avoid the pair of them； and was quite knocked out of
time； as they say in the ring； to find myself confronted with the
lawyer。
He stood on my hearthrug； leaning on the chimney…piece； with a
gloomy； thoughtful brow； as I was pleased to see； and not in the
least as though he were vain of the late proceedings。
'Well？' said I。 'You have done it now！'
'Is he gone？' he asked。
'He is gone；' said I。 'We shall have the devil to pay with him
when he comes back。'
'You are right；' said the lawyer； 'and very little to pay him with
but flams and fabrications； like to…night's。'
'To…night's？' I repeated。
'Ay； to…night's！' said he。
'To…night's WHAT？' I cried。
'To…night's flams and fabrications。'
'God be good to me； sir；' said I； 'have I something more to admire
in your conduct than ever I had suspected？ You cannot think how
you interest me！ That it was severe； I knew； I had already
chuckled over that。 But that it should be false also！ In what
sense； dear sir？'
I believe I was extremely offensive as I put the question； but the
lawyer paid no heed。
'False in all senses of the word；' he replied seriously。 'False in
the sense that they were not true； and false in the sense that they
were not real； false in the sense that I boasted； and in the sense
that I lied。 How can I arrest him？ Your uncle burned the papers！
I told you so … but doubtless you have forgotten … the day I first
saw you in Edinburgh Castle。 It was an act of generosity； I have
seen many of these acts； and always regretted … always regretted！
〃That shall be his inheritance；〃 he said； as the papers burned； he
did not mean that it should have proved so rich a one。 How rich；
time will tell。'
'I beg your pardon a hundred thousand times； my dear sir； but it
strikes me you have the impudence … in the circumstances； I may
call it the indecency … to appear cast down？'
'It is true；' said he： 'I am。 I am cast down。 I am literally cast
down。 I feel myself quite helpless against your cousin。'
'Now； really！' I asked。 'Is this serious？ And is it perhaps the
reason why you have gorged the poor devil with every species of
insult？ and why you took such surprising pains to supply me with
what I had so little need of … another enemy？ That you were
helpless against them？ 〃Here is my last missile；〃 say you； 〃my
ammunition is quite exhausted： just wait till I get the last in …
it will irritate； it cannot hurt him。 There … you see！ … he is
furious now； and I am quite helpless。 One more prod； another kick：
now he is a mere lunatic！ Stand behind me； I am quite helpless！〃
Mr。 Romaine； I am asking myself as to the background or motive of
this singular jest； and whether the name of it should not be called
treachery？'
'I can scarce wonder；' said he。 'In truth it has been a singular
business； and we are very fortunate to be out of it so well。 Yet
it was not treachery： no； no； Mr。 Anne； it was not treachery； and
if you will do me the favour to listen to me for the inside of a
minute； I shall demonstrate the same to you beyond cavil。' He
seemed to wake up to his ordinary briskness。 'You see the point？'
he began。 'He had not yet read the newspaper； but who could tell
when he might？ He might have had that damned journal in his
pocket； and how should we know？ We were … I may say； we are … at
the mercy of the merest twopenny accident。'
'Why； true；' said I： 'I had not thought of that。'
'I warrant you；' cried Romaine； 'you had supposed it was nothing to
be the hero of an interesting notice in the journals！ You had
supposed； as like as not； it was a form of secrecy！ But not so in
the least。 A part of England is already buzzing with the name of
Champdivers； a day or two more and the mail will have carried it
everywhere： so wonderful a machine is this of ours for
disseminating intelligence！ Think of it！ When my father was born
… but that is another story。 To return： we had here the elements
of such a combustion as I dread to think of … your cousin and the
journal。 Let him but glance an eye upon that column of print； and
where were we？ It is easy to ask； not so easy to answer； my young
friend。 And let me tell you； this sheet is the Viscount's usual
reading。 It is my conviction he had it in his pocket。'
'I beg your pardon； sir；' said I。 'I have been unjust。 I did not
appreciate my danger。'
'I think you never do；' said he。
'But yet surely that public scene … ' I began。
'It was madness。 I quite agree with you；' Mr。 Romaine interrupted。
'But it was your uncle's orders； Mr。 Anne； and what could I do？
Tell him you were the murderer of Goguelat？ I think not。'
'No； sure！' said I。 'That would but have been to make the trouble
thicker。 We were certainly in a very ill posture。'
'You do not yet appreciate how grave it was；' he replied。 'It was
necessary for you that your cousin should go； and go at once。 You
yourself had to leave to…night under cover of darkness； and how
could you have done that with the Viscount in the next room？ He
must go； then； he must leave without delay。 And that was the
difficulty。'
'Pardon me； Mr。 Romaine； but could not my uncle have bidden him
go？' I asked。
'Why； I see I must tell you that this is not so simple as it
sounds；' he replied。 'You say this is your uncle's house； and so
it is。 But to all effects and purposes it is your cousin's also。
He has rooms here； has had them coming on for thirty years now； and
they are filled with a prodigious accumulation of trash … stays； I
dare say； and powder…puffs； and such effeminate idiocy … to which
none could dispute his title； even suppose any one wanted to。 We
had a perfect right to bid him go； and he had a perfect right to
reply； 〃Yes； I will go； but not without my stays and cravats。 I
must first get together the nine…hundred…and…ninety…nine chestsfull
of insufferable rubbish； that I have spent the last thirty years
collecting … and may very well spend the next thirty hours a…
packing of。〃 And what should we have said to that？'
'By way of repartee？' I asked。 'Two tall footmen and a pair of
crabtree cudgels； I suggest。'
'The Lord deliver me from the wisdom of laymen！' cried Romaine。
'Put myself in the wrong at the beginning of a lawsuit？ No；
indeed！ There was but one thing to do； and I did it； and burned my
last cartridge in the doing of it。 I stunned him。 And it gave