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such dull sleepy old fellows； that corporation。 Nicholas made
quite as long speeches as the Lord Mayor of London had done； nay；
he said the very same things that the Lord Mayor of London had
said； and the deuce a cheer the corporation gave him。 There was
only one man in the party who was thoroughly awake； and he was
insolent； and called him Nick。 Nick！ What would be the
consequence； thought Nicholas； of anybody presuming to call the
Lord Mayor of London 'Nick！' He should like to know what the
sword…bearer would say to that； or the recorder； or the toast…
master； or any other of the great officers of the city。 They'd
nick him。
But these were not the worst of Nicholas Tulrumble's doings。 If
they had been； he might have remained a Mayor to this day； and have
talked till he lost his voice。 He contracted a relish for
statistics； and got philosophical； and the statistics and the
philosophy together； led him into an act which increased his
unpopularity and hastened his downfall。
At the very end of the Mudfog High…street； and abutting on the
river…side； stands the Jolly Boatmen； an old…fashioned low…roofed；
bay…windowed house； with a bar； kitchen； and tap…room all in one；
and a large fireplace with a kettle to correspond； round which the
working men have congregated time out of mind on a winter's night；
refreshed by draughts of good strong beer； and cheered by the
sounds of a fiddle and tambourine： the Jolly Boatmen having been
duly licensed by the Mayor and corporation； to scrape the fiddle
and thumb the tambourine from time； whereof the memory of the
oldest inhabitants goeth not to the contrary。 Now Nicholas
Tulrumble had been reading pamphlets on crime； and parliamentary
reports； … or had made the secretary read them to him； which is the
same thing in effect； … and he at once perceived that this fiddle
and tambourine must have done more to demoralize Mudfog； than any
other operating causes that ingenuity could imagine。 So he read up
for the subject； and determined to come out on the corporation with
a burst； the very next time the licence was applied for。
The licensing day came； and the red…faced landlord of the Jolly
Boatmen walked into the town…hall； looking as jolly as need be；
having actually put on an extra fiddle for that night； to
commemorate the anniversary of the Jolly Boatmen's music licence。
It was applied for in due form； and was just about to be granted as
a matter of course； when up rose Nicholas Tulrumble； and drowned
the astonished corporation in a torrent of eloquence。 He descanted
in glowing terms upon the increasing depravity of his native town
of Mudfog； and the excesses committed by its population。 Then； he
related how shocked he had been； to see barrels of beer sliding
down into the cellar of the Jolly Boatmen week after week； and how
he had sat at a window opposite the Jolly Boatmen for two days
together； to count the people who went in for beer between the
hours of twelve and one o'clock alone … which； by…the…bye； was the
time at which the great majority of the Mudfog people dined。 Then；
he went on to state； how the number of people who came out with
beer…jugs； averaged twenty…one in five minutes； which； being
multiplied by twelve； gave two hundred and fifty…two people with
beer…jugs in an hour； and multiplied again by fifteen （the number
of hours during which the house was open daily） yielded three
thousand seven hundred and eighty people with beer…jugs per day； or
twenty…six thousand four hundred and sixty people with beer…jugs；
per week。 Then he proceeded to show that a tambourine and moral
degradation were synonymous terms； and a fiddle and vicious
propensities wholly inseparable。 All these arguments he
strengthened and demonstrated by frequent references to a large
book with a blue cover； and sundry quotations from the Middlesex
magistrates； and in the end； the corporation； who were posed with
the figures； and sleepy with the speech； and sadly in want of
dinner into the bargain； yielded the palm to Nicholas Tulrumble；
and refused the music licence to the Jolly Boatmen。
But although Nicholas triumphed； his triumph was short。 He carried
on the war against beer…jugs and fiddles； forgetting the time when
he was glad to drink out of the one； and to dance to the other；
till the people hated； and his old friends shunned him。 He grew
tired of the lonely magnificence of Mudfog Hall； and his heart
yearned towards the Lighterman's Arms。 He wished he had never set
up as a public man； and sighed for the good old times of the coal…
shop； and the chimney corner。
At length old Nicholas； being thoroughly miserable； took heart of
grace； paid the secretary a quarter's wages in advance； and packed
him off to London by the next coach。 Having taken this step； he
put his hat on his head； and his pride in his pocket； and walked
down to the old room at the Lighterman's Arms。 There were only two
of the old fellows there； and they looked coldly on Nicholas as he
proffered his hand。
'Are you going to put down pipes； Mr。 Tulrumble？' said one。
'Or trace the progress of crime to 'bacca？' growled another。
'Neither；' replied Nicholas Tulrumble； shaking hands with them
both； whether they would or not。 'I've come down to say that I'm
very sorry for having made a fool of myself； and that I hope you'll
give me up the old chair； again。'
The old fellows opened their eyes； and three or four more old
fellows opened the door； to whom Nicholas； with tears in his eyes；
thrust out his hand too； and told the same story。 They raised a
shout of joy； that made the bells in the ancient church…tower
vibrate again； and wheeling the old chair into the warm corner；
thrust old Nicholas down into it； and ordered in the very largest…
sized bowl of hot punch； with an unlimited number of pipes；
directly。
The next day； the Jolly Boatmen got the licence； and the next
night； old Nicholas and Ned Twigger's wife led off a dance to the
music of the fiddle and tambourine； the tone of which seemed
mightily improved by a little rest； for they never had played so
merrily before。 Ned Twigger was in the very height of his glory；
and he danced hornpipes； and balanced chairs on his chin； and
straws on his nose； till the whole company； including the
corporation； were in raptures of admiration at the brilliancy of
his acquirements。
Mr。 Tulrumble； junior； couldn't make up his mind to be anything but
magnificent； so he went up to London and drew bills on his father；
and when he had overdrawn； and got into debt； he grew penitent； and
came home again。
As to old Nicholas； he kept his word； and having had six weeks of
public life； never tried it any more。 He went to sleep in the
town…hall at the very next meeting； and； in full proof of his
sincerity； has requested us to write this faithful narrative。 We
wish it could have the effect of reminding the Tulrumbles of
another sphere； tha