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be sure to come。
Now there happened to be in Mudfog； as somehow or other there does
happen to be； in almost every town in the British dominions； and
perhaps in foreign dominions too … we think it very likely； but；
being no great traveller； cannot distinctly say … there happened to
be； in Mudfog； a merry…tempered； pleasant…faced； good…for…nothing
sort of vagabond； with an invincible dislike to manual labour； and
an unconquerable attachment to strong beer and spirits； whom
everybody knew； and nobody； except his wife； took the trouble to
quarrel with； who inherited from his ancestors the appellation of
Edward Twigger； and rejoiced in the SOBRIQUET of Bottle…nosed Ned。
He was drunk upon the average once a day； and penitent upon an
equally fair calculation once a month； and when he was penitent； he
was invariably in the very last stage of maudlin intoxication。 He
was a ragged； roving； roaring kind of fellow； with a burly form； a
sharp wit； and a ready head； and could turn his hand to anything
when he chose to do it。 He was by no means opposed to hard labour
on principle； for he would work away at a cricket…match by the day
together； … running； and catching； and batting； and bowling； and
revelling in toil which would exhaust a galley…slave。 He would
have been invaluable to a fire…office； never was a man with such a
natural taste for pumping engines； running up ladders； and throwing
furniture out of two…pair…of…stairs' windows： nor was this the
only element in which he was at home； he was a humane society in
himself； a portable drag； an animated life…preserver； and had saved
more people； in his time； from drowning； than the Plymouth life…
boat； or Captain Manby's apparatus。 With all these qualifications；
notwithstanding his dissipation； Bottle…nosed Ned was a general
favourite； and the authorities of Mudfog； remembering his numerous
services to the population； allowed him in return to get drunk in
his own way； without the fear of stocks； fine； or imprisonment。 He
had a general licence； and he showed his sense of the compliment by
making the most of it。
We have been thus particular in describing the character and
avocations of Bottle…nosed Ned； because it enables us to introduce
a fact politely； without hauling it into the reader's presence with
indecent haste by the head and shoulders； and brings us very
naturally to relate； that on the very same evening on which Mr。
Nicholas Tulrumble and family returned to Mudfog； Mr。 Tulrumble's
new secretary； just imported from London； with a pale face and
light whiskers； thrust his head down to the very bottom of his
neckcloth…tie； in at the tap…room door of the Lighterman's Arms；
and inquiring whether one Ned Twigger was luxuriating within；
announced himself as the bearer of a message from Nicholas
Tulrumble； Esquire； requiring Mr。 Twigger's immediate attendance at
the hall； on private and particular business。 It being by no means
Mr。 Twigger's interest to affront the Mayor； he rose from the
fireplace with a slight sigh； and followed the light…whiskered
secretary through the dirt and wet of Mudfog streets； up to Mudfog
Hall； without further ado。
Mr。 Nicholas Tulrumble was seated in a small cavern with a
skylight； which he called his library； sketching out a plan of the
procession on a large sheet of paper； and into the cavern the
secretary ushered Ned Twigger。
'Well； Twigger！' said Nicholas Tulrumble； condescendingly。
There was a time when Twigger would have replied； 'Well； Nick！' but
that was in the days of the truck； and a couple of years before the
donkey； so； he only bowed。
'I want you to go into training； Twigger；' said Mr。 Tulrumble。
'What for； sir？' inquired Ned； with a stare。
'Hush； hush； Twigger！' said the Mayor。 'Shut the door； Mr。
Jennings。 Look here； Twigger。'
As the Mayor said this； he unlocked a high closet； and disclosed a
complete suit of brass armour； of gigantic dimensions。
'I want you to wear this next Monday； Twigger；' said the Mayor。
'Bless your heart and soul； sir！' replied Ned； 'you might as well
ask me to wear a seventy…four pounder； or a cast…iron boiler。'
'Nonsense； Twigger； nonsense！' said the Mayor。
'I couldn't stand under it； sir；' said Twigger； 'it would make
mashed potatoes of me； if I attempted it。'
'Pooh； pooh； Twigger！' returned the Mayor。 'I tell you I have seen
it done with my own eyes； in London； and the man wasn't half such a
man as you are； either。'
'I should as soon have thought of a man's wearing the case of an
eight…day clock to save his linen；' said Twigger； casting a look of
apprehension at the brass suit。
'It's the easiest thing in the world；' rejoined the Mayor。
'It's nothing；' said Mr。 Jennings。
'When you're used to it；' added Ned。
'You do it by degrees；' said the Mayor。 'You would begin with one
piece to…morrow； and two the next day； and so on； till you had got
it all on。 Mr。 Jennings； give Twigger a glass of rum。 Just try
the breast…plate； Twigger。 Stay； take another glass of rum first。
Help me to lift it； Mr。 Jennings。 Stand firm； Twigger！ There！ …
it isn't half as heavy as it looks； is it？'
Twigger was a good strong； stout fellow； so； after a great deal of
staggering； he managed to keep himself up； under the breastplate；
and even contrived； with the aid of another glass of rum； to walk
about in it； and the gauntlets into the bargain。 He made a trial
of the helmet； but was not equally successful； inasmuch as he
tipped over instantly； … an accident which Mr。 Tulrumble clearly
demonstrated to be occasioned by his not having a counteracting
weight of brass on his legs。
'Now； wear that with grace and propriety on Monday next；' said
Tulrumble； 'and I'll make your fortune。'
'I'll try what I can do； sir；' said Twigger。
'It must be kept a profound secret；' said Tulrumble。
'Of course； sir；' replied Twigger。
'And you must be sober；' said Tulrumble； 'perfectly sober。' Mr。
Twigger at once solemnly pledged himself to be as sober as a judge；
and Nicholas Tulrumble was satisfied； although； had we been
Nicholas； we should certainly have exacted some promise of a more
specific nature； inasmuch as； having attended the Mudfog assizes in
the evening more than once； we can solemnly testify to having seen
judges with very strong symptoms of dinner under their wigs。
However； that's neither here nor there。
The next day； and the day following； and the day after that； Ned
Twigger was securely locked up in the small cavern with the sky…
light； hard at work at the armour。 With every additional piece he
could manage to stand upright in； he had an additional glass of
rum； and at last； after many partial suffocations； he contrived to
get on the whole suit； and to stagger up and down the room in it；
like an intoxicated effigy from Westminster Abbey。
Never was man so delighted as Nicholas Tulrumble； never was woman
so c