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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
But she said； 〃It isn't polar bears； or hot volcanic grottoes： Only find
out who it is that writes those lovely cracker mottoes！〃
PART II。
〃Tell me； HENRY WADSWORTH； ALFRED POET CLOSE； or
MISTER TUPPER； Do you write the bon bon mottoes my ELVIRA pulls
at supper？〃
But HENRY WADSWORTH smiled； and said he had not had that
honour； And ALFRED； too； disclaimed the words that told so much upon
her。
〃MISTER MARTIN TUPPER； POET CLOSE； I beg of you inform
us；〃 But my question seemed to throw them both into a rage enormous。
MISTER CLOSE expressed a wish that he could only get anigh to me；
And MISTER MARTIN TUPPER sent the following reply to me：
〃A fool is bent upon a twig； but wise men dread a bandit；〃 … Which I
know was very clever； but I didn't understand it。
Seven weary years I wandered … Patagonia； China； Norway； Till at last
I sank exhausted at a pastrycook his doorway。
There were fuchsias and geraniums； and daffodils and myrtle； So I
entered； and I ordered half a basin of mock turtle。
He was plump and he was chubby； he was smooth and he was rosy；
And his little wife was pretty and particularly cosy。
And he chirped and sang； and skipped about； and laughed with
laughter hearty … He was wonderfully active for so very stout a party。
And I said； 〃O gentle pieman； why so very； very merry？ Is it purity of
conscience； or your one…and…seven sherry？〃
But he answered； 〃I'm so happy … no profession could be dearer … If I
am not humming 'Tra！ la！ la！' I'm singing 'Tirer； lirer！'
〃First I go and make the patties； and the puddings； and the jellies； Then
I make a sugar bird…cage； which upon a table swell is；
〃Then I polish all the silver； which a supper…table lacquers； Then I
write the pretty mottoes which you find inside the crackers。〃
〃Found at last！〃 I madly shouted。 〃Gentle pieman； you astound me！〃
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
And I shouted and I danced until he'd quite a crowd around him … And
I rushed away exclaiming； 〃I have found him！ I have found him！〃
And I heard the gentle pieman in the road behind me trilling； 〃'Tira；
lira！' stop him； stop him！ 'Tra！ la！ la！' the soup's a shilling！〃
But until I reached ELVIRA'S home； I never； never waited； And
ELVIRA to her FERDINAND'S irrevocably mated！
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
（
WHOEVER SHE MAY BE。）
OH！ little maid！ … （I do not know your name Or who you are； so； as a
safe precaution I'll add） … Oh； buxom widow！ married dame！ （As one of
these must be your present portion） Listen； while I unveil prophetic lore
for you； And sing the fate that Fortune has in store for you。
You'll marry soon … within a year or twain … A bachelor of CIRCA two
and thirty： Tall； gentlemanly； but extremely plain； And when you're
intimate； you'll call him 〃BERTIE。〃 Neat … dresses well； his temper has
been classified As hasty； but he's very quickly pacified。
You'll find him working mildly at the Bar； After a touch at two or three
professions； From easy affluence extremely far； A brief or two on Circuit 〃
soup〃 at Sessions； A pound or two from whist and backing horses； And；
say three hundred from his own resources。
Quiet in harness； free from serious vice； His faults are not particularly
shady； You'll never find him 〃SHY〃 … for； once or twice Already； he's been
driven by a lady； Who parts with him … perhaps a poor excuse for him Because
she hasn't any further use for him。
Oh！ bride of mine … tall； dumpy； dark； or fair！ Oh！ widow … wife；
maybe； or blushing maiden； I've told YOUR fortune； solved the gravest
care With which your mind has hitherto been laden。 I've prophesied
correctly； never doubt it； Now tell me mine … and please be quick about it！
You … only you … can tell me； an' you will； To whom I'm destined
shortly to be mated； Will she run up a heavy MODISTE'S bill？ If so； I
want to hear her income stated （This is a point which interests me greatly）。
To quote the bard； 〃Oh！ have I seen her lately？〃
Say； must I wait till husband number one Is comfortably stowed away
at Woking？ How is her hair most usually done？ And tell me； please； will
she object to smoking？ The colour of her eyes； too； you may mention：
Come； Sibyl； prophesy … I'm all attention。
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
OF all the youths I ever saw None were so wicked； vain； or silly； So
lost to shame and Sabbath law； As worldly TOM； and BOB； and BILLY。
For every Sabbath day they walked （Such was their gay and
thoughtless natur） In parks or gardens； where they talked From three to six；
or even later。
SIR MACKLIN was a priest severe In conduct and in conversation； It
did a sinner good to hear Him deal in ratiocination。
He could in every action show Some sin； and nobody could doubt him。
He argued high； he argued low； He also argued round about him。
He wept to think each thoughtless youth Contained of wickedness a
skinful； And burnt to teach the awful truth； That walking out on Sunday's
sinful。
〃Oh； youths；〃 said he； 〃I grieve to find The course of life you've been
and hit on … Sit down；〃 said he； 〃and never mind The pennies for the chairs
you sit on。
〃My opening head is 'Kensington；' How walking there the sinner
hardens； Which when I have enlarged upon； I go to 'Secondly' … its
'Gardens。'
〃My 'Thirdly' comprehendeth 'Hyde；' Of Secresy the guilts and
shameses； My 'Fourthly' … 'Park' … its verdure wide … My 'Fifthly'
comprehends 'St。 James's。'
〃That matter settled； I shall reach The 'Sixthly' in my solemn tether；
And show that what is true of each； Is also true of all； together。
〃Then I shall demonstrate to you； According to the rules of
WHATELY； That what is true of all； is true Of each； considered
separately。〃
In lavish stream his accents flow； TOM； BOB； and BILLY dare not
flout him； He argued high； he argued low； He also argued round about
him。
〃Ha； ha！〃 he said； 〃you loathe your ways； You writhe at these my
words of warning； In agony your hands you raise。〃 （And so they did； for
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
To 〃Twenty…firstly〃 on they go； The lads do not attempt to scout him；
He argued high； he argued low； He also argued round about him。
〃Ho； ho！〃 he cries； 〃you bow your crests … My eloquence has set you
weeping； In shame you bend upon your breasts！〃 （And so they did； for
they were sleeping。）
He proved them this … he proved them that … This good but wearisome
ascetic； He jumped and thumped upon his hat； He was so very energetic。
His Bishop at this moment chanced To pass； and found the road
encumbered； He noticed how the Churchman danced； And how his
congregation slumbered。
The hundred and eleventh head The priest completed of his stricture；
〃Oh； bosh！〃 the wort