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〃A pleasant…looking gentleman； with pretty purple eyes； I've noticed at
my window； as I've sat a…catching flies； He passes by it every day as
certain as can be … I blush to say I've winked at him； and he has winked at
me！〃
〃For shame！〃 said FATHER PAUL； 〃my erring daughter！ On my word
This is the most distressing news that I have ever heard。 Why； naughty girl；
your excellent papa has pledged your hand To a promising young robber；
the lieutenant of his band！
〃This dreadful piece of news will pain your worthy parents so！ They
are the most remunerative customers I know； For many many years
they've kept starvation from my doors： I never knew so criminal a family
as yours！
〃The common country folk in this insipid neighbourhood Have
nothing to confess； they're so ridiculously good； And if you marry any one
respectable at all； Why； you'll reform； and what will then become of
FATHER PAUL？〃
The worthy priest； he up and drew his cowl upon his crown； And
started off in haste to tell the news to ROBBER BROWN …To tell him
how his daughter； who was now for marriage fit； Had winked upon a
sorter； who reciprocated it。
Good ROBBER BROWN he muffled up his anger pretty well： He said；
〃I have a notion； and that notion I will tell； I will nab this gay young sorter；
terrify him into fits； And get my gentle wife to chop him into little bits。
〃I've studied human nature； and I know a thing or two： Though a girl
may fondly love a living gent； as many do … A feeling of disgust upon her
senses there will fall When she looks upon his body chopped particularly
small。〃
He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban square； He watched his
opportunity； and seized him unaware； He took a life…preserver and he hit
him on the head； And MRS。 BROWN dissected him before she went to
bed。
49
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
50
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
OH； listen to the tale of MISTER WILLIAM； if you please； Whom
naughty； naughty judges sent away beyond the seas。 He forged a party's
will； which caused anxiety and strife； Resulting in his getting penal
servitude for life。
He was a kindly goodly man； and naturally prone； Instead of taking
others' gold； to give away his own。 But he had heard of Vice； and longed
for only once to strike … To plan ONE little wickedness … to see what it was
like。
He argued with himself； and said； 〃A spotless man am I； I can't be
more respectable； however hard I try！ For six and thirty years I've always
been as good as gold； And now for half an hour I'll plan infamy untold！
〃A baby who is wicked at the early age of one； And then reforms … and
dies at thirty…six a spotless son； Is never； never saddled with his
babyhood's defect； But earns from worthy men consideration and respect。
〃So one who never revelled in discreditable tricks Until he reached the
comfortable age of thirty…six； May then for half an hour perpetrate a deed
of shame； Without incurring permanent disgrace； or even blame。
〃That babies don't commit such crimes as forgery is true； But little sins
develop； if you leave 'em to accrue； And he who shuns all vices as
successive seasons roll； Should reap at length the benefit of so much self…
control。
〃The common sin of babyhood … objecting to be drest … If you leave it
to accumulate at compound interest； For anything you know； may
represent； if you're alive； A burglary or murder at the age of thirty…five。
〃Still； I wouldn't take advantage of this fact； but be content With some
pardonable folly … it's a mere experiment。 The greater the temptation to go
wrong； the less the sin； So with something that's particularly tempting I'll
begin。
〃I would not steal a penny； for my income's very fair … I do not want a
penny … I have pennies and to spare … And if I stole a penny from a money…
bag or till； The sin would be enormous … the temptation being NIL。
51
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
〃There's WILSON who is dying … he has wealth from Stock and rent If
I divert his riches from their natural descent； I'm placed in a position to
indulge each little whim。〃 So he diverted them … and they； in turn； diverted
him。
Unfortunately； though； by some unpardonable flaw； Temptation isn't
recognized by Britain's Common Law； Men found him out by some
peculiarity of touch； And WILLIAM got a 〃lifer；〃 which annoyed him
very much。
For； ah！ he never reconciled himself to life in gaol； He fretted and he
pined； and grew dispirited and pale； He was numbered like a cabman； too；
which told upon him so That his spirits； once so buoyant； grew
uncomfortably low。
And sympathetic gaolers would remark； 〃It's very true； He ain't been
brought up common； like the likes of me and you。〃 So they took him into
hospital； and gave him mutton chops； And chocolate； and arrowroot； and
buns； and malt and hops。
Kind Clergymen； besides； grew interested in his fate； Affected by the
details of his pitiable state。 They waited on the Secretary； somewhere in
Whitehall； Who said he would receive them any day they liked to call。
〃Consider； sir； the hardship of this interesting case： A prison life brings
with it something very like disgrace； It's telling on young WILLIAM；
who's reduced to skin and bone … Remember he's a gentleman； with money
of his own。
〃He had an ample income； and of course he stands in need Of sherry
with his dinner； and his customary weed； No delicacies now can pass his
gentlemanly lips … He misses his sea…bathing and his continental trips。
〃He says the other prisoners are commonplace and rude； He says he
cannot relish uncongenial prison food。 When quite a boy they taught him
to distinguish Good from Bad； And other educational advantages he's had。
〃A burglar or garotter； or； indeed； a common thief Is very glad to
52
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
〃But beef and mutton…broth don't seem to suit our WILLIAM'S whim；
A boon to other prisoners …a punishment to him。 It never was intended
that the discipline of gaol Should dash a convict's spirits； sir； or make him
thin or pale。〃
〃Good Gracious Me！〃 that sympathetic Secretary cried； 〃Suppose in
prison fetters MISTER WILLIAM should have died！ Dear me； of course！
Imprisonment for LIFE his sentence saith： I'm very glad you mentioned it
… it might have been For Death！
〃Release him with a ticket … he'll be better then； no doubt； And tell him
I apologize。〃 So MISTER WILLIAM'S out。 I hope he will be careful in his
manuscripts； I'm sure； And not begin experimentalizing any more。
53
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
T
WOMAN'S STORY。
I'M old； my dears； and shrivelled with age； and work； and grief； My
eyes are gone； and my teeth have been drawn by Time； the Thie