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either。'
On another occasion； I pretended to forget the whole affair； and talked
and played with her as usual； till night； when I put her to bed； then
bending over her； while she lay all smiles and good humour； just before
departing； I said； as cheerfully and kindly as before … 'Now； Mary Ann； just
tell me that word before I kiss you good…night。 You are a good girl now；
and； of course； you will say it。'
'No； I won't。'
'Then I can't kiss you。'
'Well； I don't care。'
In vain I expressed my sorrow； in vain I lingered for some symptom of
contrition； she really 'didn't care；' and I left her alone； and in darkness；
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wondering most of all at this last proof of insensate stubbornness。 In MY
childhood I could not imagine a more afflictive punishment than for my
mother to refuse to kiss me at night： the very idea was terrible。 More
than the idea I never felt； for； happily； I never committed a fault that was
deemed worthy of such penalty； but once I remember； for some
transgression of my sister's； our mother thought proper to inflict it upon
her： what SHE felt； I cannot tell； but my sympathetic tears and suffering
for her sake I shall not soon forget。
Another troublesome trait in Mary Ann was her incorrigible propensity
to keep running into the nursery； to play with her little sisters and the nurse。
This was natural enough； but； as it was against her mother's express desire；
I； of course； forbade her to do so； and did my utmost to keep her with me；
but that only increased her relish for the nursery； and the more I strove to
keep her out of it； the oftener she went； and the longer she stayed； to the
great dissatisfaction of Mrs。 Bloomfield； who； I well knew； would impute
all the blame of the matter to me。 Another of my trials was the dressing
in the morning： at one time she would not be washed； at another she
would not be dressed； unless she might wear some particular frock； that I
knew her mother would not like her to have； at another she would scream
and run away if I attempted to touch her hair。 So that； frequently； when；
after much trouble and toil； I had； at length； succeeded in bringing her
down； the breakfast was nearly half over； and black looks from 'mamma；'
and testy observations from 'papa；' spoken at me； if not to me； were sure to
be my meed： for few things irritated the latter so much as want of
punctuality at meal times。 Then； among the minor annoyances； was my
inability to satisfy Mrs。 Bloomfield with her daughter's dress； and the
child's hair 'was never fit to be seen。' Sometimes； as a powerful reproach
to me； she would perform the office of tire woman herself； and then
complain bitterly of the trouble it gave her。
When little Fanny came into the schoolroom； I hoped she would be
mild and inoffensive； at least； but a few days； if not a few hours； sufficed
to destroy the illusion： I found her a mischievous； intractable little
creature； given up to falsehood and deception； young as she was； and
alarmingly fond of exercising her two favourite weapons of offence and
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AGNES GREY
defence： that of spitting in the faces of those who incurred her
displeasure； and bellowing like a bull when her unreasonable desires were
not gratified。 As she； generally； was pretty quiet in her parents' presence；
and they were impressed with the notion of her being a remarkably gentle
child； her falsehoods were readily believed； and her loud uproars led them
to suspect harsh and injudicious treatment on my part； and when； at length；
her bad disposition became manifest even to their prejudiced eyes； I felt
that the whole was attributed to me。
'What a naughty girl Fanny is getting！' Mrs。 Bloomfield would say to
her spouse。 'Don't you observe； my dear； how she is altered since she
entered the schoolroom？ She will soon be as bad as the other two； and； I
am sorry to say； they have quite deteriorated of late。'
'You may say that；' was the answer。 'I've been thinking that same
myself。 I thought when we got them a governess they'd improve； but；
instead of that； they get worse and worse： I don't know how it is with
their learning； but their habits； I know； make no sort of improvement； they
get rougher； and dirtier； and more unseemly every day。'
I knew this was all pointed at me； and these； and all similar
innuendoes； affected me far more deeply than any open accusations would
have done； for against the latter I should have been roused to speak in my
own defence： now I judged it my wisest plan to subdue every resentful
impulse； suppress every sensitive shrinking； and go on perseveringly；
doing my best； for； irksome as my situation was； I earnestly wished to
retain it。 I thought； if I could struggle on with unremitting firmness and
integrity； the children would in time become more humanized： every
month would contribute to make them some little wiser； and； consequently；
more manageable； for a child of nine or ten as frantic and ungovernable as
these at six and seven would be a maniac。
I flattered myself I was benefiting my parents and sister by my
continuance here； for small as the salary was； I still was earning something；
and with strict economy I could easily manage to have something to spare
for them； if they would favour me by taking it。 Then it was by my own
will that I had got the place： I had brought all this tribulation on myself；
and I was determined to bear it； nay； more than that； I did not even regret
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AGNES GREY
the step I had taken。 I longed to show my friends that； even now； I was
competent to undertake the charge； and able to acquit myself honourably
to the end； and if ever I felt it degrading to submit so quietly； or intolerable
to toil so constantly； I would turn towards my home； and say within myself
…
They may crush； but they shall not subdue me！ 'Tis of thee that I
think； not of them。
About Christma