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approximates exactness； to escape what we wrongly fancy
is a greater blemish。 Repetition may be bad； but surely
inexactness is worse。
…
There are people in the world who will take a great
deal of trouble to point out the faults in a religion
or a language； and then go blandly about their business
without suggesting any remedy。 I am not that kind
of person。 I have shown that the German language
needs reforming。 Very well； I am ready to reform it。
At least I am ready to make the proper suggestions。
Such a course as this might be immodest in another； but I
have devoted upward of nine full weeks； first and last；
to a careful and critical study of this tongue； and thus
have acquired a confidence in my ability to reform it
which no mere superficial culture could have conferred
upon me。
In the first place； I would leave out the Dative case。
It confuses the plurals； and； besides； nobody ever knows
when he is in the Dative case； except he discover it
by accidentand then he does not know when or where it
was that he got into it； or how long he has been in it；
or how he is going to get out of it again。 The Dative case
is but an ornamental follyit is better to discard it。
In the next place； I would move the Verb further up
to the front。 You may load up with ever so good a Verb；
but I notice that you never really bring down a subject
with it at the present German rangeyou only cripple it。
So I insist that this important part of speech should be
brought forward to a position where it may be easily seen
with the naked eye。
Thirdly； I would import some strong words from the English
tongueto swear with； and also to use in describing
all sorts of vigorous things in a vigorous ways。 ＇4＇
4。 〃Verdammt；〃 and its variations and enlargements；
are words which have plenty of meaning； but the SOUNDS
are so mild and ineffectual that German ladies can use
them without sin。 German ladies who could not be induced
to commit a sin by any persuasion or compulsion； promptly rip
out one of these harmless little words when they tear their
dresses or don't like the soup。 It sounds about as wicked
as our 〃My gracious。〃 German ladies are constantly saying；
〃Ach！ Gott！〃 〃Mein Gott！〃 〃Gott in Himmel！〃 〃Herr Gott〃
〃Der Herr Jesus！〃 etc。 They think our ladies have the
same custom； perhaps； for I once heard a gentle and lovely
old German lady say to a sweet young American girl：
〃The two languages are so alikehow pleasant that is；
we say 'Ach！ Gott！' you say 'Goddamn。'〃
Fourthly； I would reorganizes the sexes； and distribute
them accordingly to the will of the creator。 This as
a tribute of respect； if nothing else。
Fifthly； I would do away with those great long
compounded words； or require the speaker to deliver
them in sections； with intermissions for refreshments。
To wholly do away with them would be best； for ideas are
more easily received and digested when they come one at
a time than when they come in bulk。 Intellectual food
is like any other； it is pleasanter and more beneficial
to take it with a spoon than with a shovel。
Sixthly； I would require a speaker to stop when he is done；
and not hang a string of those useless 〃haven sind gewesen
gehabt haben geworden seins〃 to the end of his oration。
This sort of gewgaws undignify a speech； instead of adding
a grace。 They are； therefore； an offense； and should
be discarded。
Seventhly； I would discard the Parenthesis。 Also the
reparenthesis；
the re…reparenthesis； and the re…re…re…re…re…reparentheses；
and likewise the final wide…reaching all…enclosing
king…parenthesis。 I would require every individual；
be he high or low； to unfold a plain straightforward tale；
or else coil it and sit on it and hold his peace。
Infractions of this law should be punishable with death。
And eighthly； and last； I would retain ZUG and SCHLAG；
with their pendants； and discard the rest of the vocabulary。
This would simplify the language。
I have now named what I regard as the most necessary
and important changes。 These are perhaps all I could
be expected to name for nothing； but there are other
suggestions which I can and will make in case my proposed
application shall result in my being formally employed
by the government in the work of reforming the language。
My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person
ought to learn English （barring spelling and pronouncing）
in thirty hours； French in thirty days； and German
in thirty years。 It seems manifest； then； that the
latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired。
If it is to remain as it is； it ought to be gently
and reverently set aside among the dead languages；
for only the dead have time to learn it。
A FOURTH OF JULY ORATION IN THE GERMAN TONGUE； DELIVERED AT
A BANQUET OF THE ANGLO…AMERICAN CLUB OF STUDENTS BY THE
AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK
Gentlemen： Since I arrived； a month ago； in this
old wonderland； this vast garden of Germany； my English
tongue has so often proved a useless piece of baggage
to me； and so troublesome to carry around； in a country
where they haven't the checking system for luggage； that I
finally set to work； and learned the German language。
Also！ Es freut mich dass dies so ist； denn es muss；
in ein haupts：achlich degree； h：oflich sein； dass man
auf ein occasion like this； sein Rede in die Sprache des
Landes worin he boards； aussprechen soll。 Daf：ur habe ich；
aus reinische Verlegenheitno； Vergangenheitno； I
mean Hoflichkeitaus reinishe Hoflichkeit habe ich
resolved to tackle this business in the German language；
um Gottes willen！ Also！ Sie mu〃ssen so freundlich sein；
und verzeih mich die interlarding von ein oder zwei
Englischer Worte； hie und da； denn ich finde dass die
deutsche is not a very copious language； and so when
you've really got anything to say； you've got to draw
on a language that can stand the strain。
Wenn haber man kann nicht meinem Rede Verstehen； so werde
ich ihm sp：ater dasselbe ：ubersetz； wenn er solche Dienst
verlangen wollen haben werden sollen sein h：atte。 （I don't
know what wollen haben werden sollen sein ha〃tte means；
but I notice they always put it at the end of a German
sentencemerely for general literary gorgeousness；
I suppose。）
This is a great and justly honored daya day which is
worthy of the veneration in which it is held by the true
patriots of all climes and nationalitiesa day which
offers a fruitful theme for thought and speech； und meinem
Freundeno； meinEN FreundENmeinES FreundESwell；
take your choice； they're all the same price； I don't
know which one is rightalso！ ich habe gehabt haben
worden gewesen sein； as Goethe says in his Paradise
Lostichichthat is to sayichbut let us change cars。
Also！ Die Anblich so viele Grossbrittanischer und Amerikanischer
hier zusammengetroffen in Bruderliche co