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eloquently upon the subjectthat I have to give in and take them outmy
hands I mean。 The chorus to their objections is that it is not gentlemanly。 I
am hanged if I can see why。 I could understand its not being considered
gentlemanly to put your hands in other people's pockets （especially by the
other people）； but how； 0 ye sticklers for what looks this and what looks
that； can putting his hands in his own pockets make a man less gentle？
Perhaps you are right； though。 Now I come to think of it； I have heard
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
some people grumble most savagely when doing it。 But they were mostly
old gentlemen。 We young fellows； as a rule； are never quite at ease unless
we have our hands in our pockets。 We are awkward and shifty。 We are like
what a music…hall Lion Comique would be without his opera…hat； if such a
thing can be imagined。 But let us put our hands in our trousers pockets；
and let there be some small change in the right…hand one and a bunch of
keys in the left； and we will face a female post…office clerk。
It is a little difficult to know what to do with your bands； even in your
pockets； when there is nothing else there。 Years ago； when my whole
capital would occasionally come down to 〃what in town the people call a
bob；〃 I would recklessly spend a penny of it； merely for the sake of having
the change； all in coppers； to jingle。 You don't feel nearly so hard up with
eleven pence in your pocket as you do with a shilling。 Had I been 〃La…di…
da；〃 that impecunious youth about whom we superior folk are so sarcastic；
I would have changed my penny for two ha'pennies。
I can speak with authority on the subject of being hard up。 I have been
a provincial actor。 If further evidence be required； which I do not think
likely； I can add that I have been a 〃gentleman connected with the press。〃 I
have lived on 15 shilling a week。 I have lived a week on 10； owing the
other 5； and I have lived for a fortnight on a great…coat。
It is wonderful what an insight into domestic economy being really
hard up gives one。 If you want to find out the value of money； live on 15
shillings a week and see how much you can put by for clothes and
recreation。 You will find out that it is worth while to wait for the farthing
change； that it is worth while to walk a mile to save a penny； that a glass of
beer is a luxury to be indulged in only at rare intervals； and that a collar
can be worn for four days。
Try it just before you get married。 It will be excellent practice。 Let
your son and heir try it before sending him to college。 He won't grumble at
a hundred a year pocket…money then。 There are some people to whom it
would do a world of good。 There is that delicate blossom who can't drink
any claret under ninety…four； and who would as soon think of dining off
cat's meat as off plain roast mutton。 You do come across these poor
wretches now and then； though； to the credit of humanity； they are
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
principally confined to that fearful and wonderful society known only to
lady novelists。 I never hear of one of these creatures discussing a _menu_
card but I feel a mad desire to drag him off to the bar of some common
east…end public…house and cram a sixpenny dinner down his throat
beefsteak pudding； fourpence； potatoes； a penny； half a pint of porter； a
penny。 The recollection of it （and the mingled fragrance of beer； tobacco；
and roast pork generally leaves a vivid impression） might induce him to
turn up his nose a little less frequently in the future at everything that is
put before him。 Then there is that generous party； the cadger's delight； who
is so free with his small change； but who never thinks of paying his debts。
It might teach even him a little common sense。 〃I always give the waiter a
shilling。 One can't give the fellow less； you know；〃 explained a young
government clerk with whom I was lunching the other day in Regent
Street。 I agreed with him as to the utter impossibility of making it
elevenpence ha'penny； but at the same time I resolved to one day decoy
him to an eating…house I remembered near Covent Garden； where the
waiter； for the better discharge of his duties； goes about in his shirt…
sleevesand very dirty sleeves they are； too； when it gets near the end of
the month。 I know that waiter。 If my friend gives him anything beyond a
penny； the man will insist on shaking hands with him then and there as a
mark of his esteem； of that I feel sure。
There have been a good many funny things said and written about
hardupishness； but the reality is not funny； for all that。 It is not funny to
have to haggle over pennies。 It isn't funny to be thought mean and stingy。
It isn't funny to be shabby and to be ashamed of your address。 No； there is
nothing at all funny in povertyto the poor。 It is hell upon earth to a
sensitive man； and many a brave gentleman who would have faced the
labors of Hercules has had his heart broken by its petty miseries。
It is not the actual discomforts themselves that are hard to bear。 Who
would mind roughing it a bit if that were all it meant？ What cared
Robinson Crusoe for a patch on his trousers？ Did he wear trousers？ I
forget； or did he go about as he does in the pantomimes？ What did it
matter to him if his toes did stick out of his boots？ and what if his
umbrella was a cotton one； so long as it kept the rain off？ His shabbiness
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
did not trouble him； there was none of his friends round about to sneer
him。
Being poor is a mere trifle。 It is being known to be poor that is the
sting。 It is not cold that makes a man without a great…coat hurry along so
quickly。 It is not all shame at telling lieswhich he knows will not be
believedthat makes him turn so red when he informs you that he
considers great…coats unhealthy and never carries an umbrella on principle。
It is easy enough to say that poverty is