按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
live in bed might at all events be spared the torture。 Why wake the poor
little wretches up in the morning to take one lot of clothes off； fix another
lot on； and put them to bed again； and then at night haul them out once
more； merely to change everything back？ And when all is done； what
difference is there； I should like to know； between a baby's night…shirt and
the thing it wears in the day…time？
Very likely； however； I am only making myself ridiculousI often do；
so I am informedand I will therefore say no more upon this matter of
clothes； except only that it would be of great convenience if some fashion
were adopted enabling you to tell a boy from a girl。
At present it is most awkward。 Neither hair； dress； nor conversation
affords the slightest clew； and you are left to guess。 By some mysterious
law of nature you invariably guess wrong； and are thereupon regarded by
65
… Page 66…
THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
all the relatives and friends as a mixture of fool and knave； the enormity of
alluding to a male babe as 〃she〃 being only equaled by the atrocity of
referring to a female infant as 〃he〃。 Whichever sex the particular child in
question happens not to belong to is considered as beneath contempt； and
any mention of it is taken as a personal insult to the family。
And as you value your fair name do not attempt to get out of the
difficulty by talking of 〃it。〃
There are various methods by which you may achieve ignominy and
shame。 By murdering a large and respected family in cold blood and
afterward depositing their bodies in the water companies' reservoir； you
will gain much unpopularity in the neighborhood of your crime； and even
robbing a church will get you cordially disliked； especially by the vicar。
But if you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred
that a fellow human creature can pour out for you； let a young mother hear
you call dear baby 〃it。〃
Your best plan is to address the article as 〃little angel。〃 The noun
〃angel〃 being of common gender suits the case admirably； and the epithet
is sure of being favorably received。 〃Pet〃 or 〃beauty〃 are useful for
variety's sake； but 〃angel〃 is the term that brings you the greatest credit for
sense and good…feeling。 The word should be preceded by a short giggle
and accompanied by as much smile as possible。 And whatever you do；
don't forget to say that the child has got its father's nose。 This 〃fetches〃 the
parents （if I may be allowed a vulgarism） more than anything。 They will
pretend to laugh at the idea at first and will say； 〃Oh； nonsense！〃 You must
then get excited and insist that it is a fact。 You need have no conscientious
scruples on the subject； because the thing's nose really does resemble its
father'sat all events quite as much as it does anything else in nature
being； as it is； a mere smudge。
Do not despise these hints； my friends。 There may come a time when；
with mamma on one side and grand mamma on the other； a group of
admiring young ladies （not admiring you； though） behind； and a bald…
headed dab of humanity in front； you will be extremely thankful for some
idea of what to say。 A manan unmarried man； that isis never seen to
such disadvantage as when undergoing the ordeal of 〃seeing baby。〃 A cold
66
… Page 67…
THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
shudder runs down his back at the bare proposal； and the sickly smile with
which he says how delighted he shall be ought surely to move even a
mother's heart； unless； as I am inclined to believe； the whole proceeding is
a mere device adopted by wives to discourage the visits of bachelor
friends。
It is a cruel trick； though； whatever its excuse may be。 The bell is rung
and somebody sent to tell nurse to bring baby down。 This is the signal for
all the females present to commence talking 〃baby；〃 during which time
you are left to your own sad thoughts and the speculations upon the
practicability of suddenly recollecting an important engagement； and the
likelihood of your being believed if you do。 Just when you have concocted
an absurdly implausible tale about a man outside； the door opens； and a
tall； severe…looking woman enters； carrying what at first sight appears to
be a particularly skinny bolster； with the feathers all at one end。 Instinct；
however； tells you that this is the baby； and you rise with a miserable
attempt at appearing eager。 When the first gush of feminine enthusiasm
with which the object in question is received has died out； and the number
of ladies talking at once has been reduced to the ordinary four or five； the
circle of fluttering petticoats divides； and room is made for you to step
forward。 This you do with much the same air that you would walk into the
dock at Bow Street； and then； feeling unutterably miserable； you stand
solemnly staring at the child。 There is dead silence； and you know that
every one is waiting for you to speak。 You try to think of something to say；
but find； to your horror； that your reasoning faculties have left you。 It is a
moment of despair； and your evil genius； seizing the opportunity； suggests
to you some of the most idiotic remarks that it is possible for a human
being to perpetrate。 Glancing round with an imbecile smile； you
sniggeringly observe that 〃it hasn't got much hair has it？〃 Nobody answers
you for a minute； but at last the stately nurse says with much gravity：
〃It is not customary for children five weeks old to have long hair。〃
Another silence follows this； and you feel you are being given a second
chance； which you avail yourself of by inquiring if it can walk yet； or what
they feed it on。
By this time you have got to be regarded as not quite right in your
67
… Page 68…
THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
head； and pity is the only thing felt for you。 The nurse； however； is
determined that； insane or not； there shall be no shirking and that you shall
go through your task to the end。 In the tones