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contempt and disgust。 They talk sweet girlish prattle to this animal （when
there is any one near enough to overhear them）； and they kiss its nose； and
put its unwashed head up against their cheek in a most touching manner；
though I have noticed that these caresses are principally performed when
there are young men hanging about。
Then there are the old ladies who worship a fat poodle； scant of breath
and full of fleas。 I knew a couple of elderly spinsters once who had a sort
of German sausage on legs which they called a dog between them。 They
used to wash its face with warm water every morning。 It had a mutton
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
cutlet regularly for breakfast； and on Sundays； when one of the ladies went
to church； the other always stopped at home to keep the dog company。
There are many families where the whole interest of life is centered
upon the dog。 Cats； by the way； rarely suffer from excess of adulation。 A
cat possesses a very fair sense of the ridiculous； and will put her paw
down kindly but firmly upon any nonsense of this kind。 Dogs； however；
seem to like it。 They encourage their owners in the tomfoolery； and the
consequence is that in the circles I am speaking of what 〃dear Fido〃 has
done； does do； will do； won't do； can do； can't do； was doing； is doing； is
going to do； shall do； shan't do； and is about to be going to have done is
the continual theme of discussion from morning till night。
All the conversation； consisting； as it does； of the very dregs of
imbecility； is addressed to this confounded animal。 The family sit in a row
all day long； watching him； commenting upon his actions； telling each
other anecdotes about him； recalling his virtues； and remembering with
tears how one day they lost him for two whole hours； on which occasion
he was brought home in a most brutal manner by the butcher…boy； who had
been met carrying him by the scruff of his neck with one hand； while
soundly cuffing his head with the other。
After recovering from these bitter recollections； they vie with each
other in bursts of admiration for the brute； until some more than usually
enthusiastic member； unable any longer to control his feelings； swoops
down upon the unhappy quadruped in a frenzy of affection； clutches it to
his heart； and slobbers over it。 Whereupon the others； mad with envy； rise
up； and seizing as much of the dog as the greed of the first one has left to
them； murmur praise and devotion。
Among these people everything is done through the dog。 If you want
to make love to the eldest daughter； or get the old man to lend you the
garden roller； or the mother to subscribe to the Society for the Suppression
of Solo…Cornet Players in Theatrical Orchestras （it's a pity there isn't one；
anyhow）； you have to begin with the dog。 You must gain its approbation
before they will even listen to you； and if； as is highly probable； the animal；
whose frank； doggy nature has been warped by the unnatural treatment he
has received； responds to your overtures of friendship by viciously
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
snapping at you； your cause is lost forever。
〃If Fido won't take to any one；〃 the father has thoughtfully remarked
beforehand； 〃I say that man is not to be trusted。 You know； Maria； how
often I have said that。 Ah！ he knows； bless him。〃
Drat him！
And to think that the surly brute was once an innocent puppy； all legs
and head； full of fun and play； and burning with ambition to become a big；
good dog and bark like mother。
Ah me！ life sadly changes us all。 The world seems a vast horrible
grinding machine； into which what is fresh and bright and pure is pushed
at one end； to come out old and crabbed and wrinkled at the other。
Look even at Pussy Sobersides； with her dull； sleepy glance； her grave；
slow walk； and dignified； prudish airs； who could ever think that once she
was the blue…eyed； whirling； scampering； head…over…heels； mad little
firework that we call a kitten？
What marvelous vitality a kitten has。 It is really something very
beautiful the way life bubbles over in the little creatures。 They rush about；
and mew； and spring； dance on their hind legs； embrace everything with
their front ones； roll over and over； lie on their backs and kick。 They don't
know what to do with themselves； they are so full of life。
Can you remember； reader； when you and I felt something of the same
sort of thing？ Can you remember those glorious days of fresh young
manhoodhow； when coming home along the moonlit road； we felt too
full of life for sober walking； and had to spring and skip； and wave our
arms； and shout till belated farmers' wives thoughtand with good reason；
toothat we were mad； and kept close to the hedge； while we stood and
laughed aloud to see them scuttle off so fast and made their blood run cold
with a wild parting whoop； and the tears came； we knew not why？ Oh； that
magnificent young LIFE！ that crowned us kings of the earth； that rushed
through every tingling vein till we seemed to walk on air； that thrilled
through our throbbing brains and told us to go forth and conquer the whole
world； that welled up in our young hearts till we longed to stretch out our
arms and gather all the toiling men and women and the little children to
our breast and love them allall。 Ah！ they were grand days； those deep；
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
full days； when our coming life； like an unseen organ； pealed strange；
yearnful music in our ears； and our young blood cried out like a war…horse
for the battle。 Ah； our pulse beats slow and steady now； and our old joints
are rheumatic； and we love our easy…chair and pipe and sneer at boys'
enthusiasm。 But oh for one brief moment of that god…like life again！
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
ON BEING SHY。
All great literary men are shy。 I am myself； though I am told it is
hardly noticeable。
I am glad it is not。 It used to be extre