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her sole desire was not to be disturbed IN THE MOMENT OF HER
HAPPINESS。 But these expressions appeared upon their faces only
for a moment。 Terror almost immediately gave place to
interrogation。 Would they lie or not？ If yes； they must begin。
If not； something else was going to happen。 But what？
〃He gave her a questioning glance。 On her face the expression of
anguish and ennui changed； it seemed to me； when she looked at
him； into an expression of anxiety for HIM。 For a moment I stood
in the doorway； holding the dagger hidden behind my back。
Suddenly he smiled； and in a voice that was indifferent almost to
the point of ridicule； he said：
〃'We were having some music。'
〃'I did not expect；' she began at the same time； chiming in
with the tone of the other。
〃But neither he nor she finished their remarks。 The same rage
that I had felt the previous week took possession of me。 I felt
the need of giving free course to my violence and 'the joy of
wrath。'
〃No； they did not finish。 That other thing was going to begin；
of which he was afraid； and was going to annihilate what they
wanted to say。 I threw myself upon her； still hiding the dagger；
that he might not prevent me from striking where I desired； in
her bosom； under the breast。 At that moment he saw 。 。 。 and；
what I did not expect on his part； he quickly seized my hand； and
cried：
〃'Come to your senses！ What are you doing？ Help！ Help！'
〃I tore my hands from his grasp； and leaped upon him。 I must
have been very terrible； for he turned as white as a sheet； to
his lips。 His eyes scintillated singularly； andagain what I
did not expect of himhe scrambled under the piano； toward the
other room。 I tried to follow him； but a very heavy weight fell
upon my left arm。 It was she。
〃I made an effort to clear myself。 She clung more heavily than
ever； refusing to let go。 This unexpected obstacle； this burden；
and this repugnant touch only irritated me the more。 I perceived
that I was completely mad； that I must be frightful； and I was
glad of it。 With a sudden impulse； and with all my strength； I
dealt her； with my left elbow； a blow squarely in the face。
〃She uttered a cry and let go my arm。 I wanted to follow the
other； but I felt that it would be ridiculous to pursue in my
stockings the lover of my wife； and I did not wish to be
grotesque； I wished to be terrible。 In spite of my extreme rage；
I was all the time conscious of the impression that I was making
upon others； and even this impression partially guided me。
〃I turned toward her。 She had fallen on the long easy chair；
and； covering her face at the spot where I had struck her； she
looked at me。 Her features exhibited fear and hatred toward me；
her enemy； such as the rat exhibits when one lifts the rat…trap。
At least； I saw nothing in her but that fear and hatred； the fear
and hatred which love for another had provoked。 Perhaps I still
should have restrained myself； and should not have gone to the
last extremity； if she had maintained silence。 But suddenly she
began to speak； she grasped my hand that held the dagger。
〃'Come to your senses！ What are you doing？ What is the matter
with you？ Nothing has happened； nothing； nothing！ I swear it to
you！'
〃I might have delayed longer； but these last words； from which I
inferred the contrary of what they affirmed；that is； that
EVERYTHING had happened；these words called for a reply。 And the
reply must correspond to the condition into which I had lashed
myself； and which was increasing and must continue to increase。
Rage has its laws。
〃'Do not lie； wretch。 Do not lie！' I roared。
〃With my left hand I seized her hands。 She disengaged herself。
Then； without dropping my dagger； I seized her by the throat；
forced her to the floor； and began to strangle her。 With her two
hands she clutched mine； tearing them from her throat； stifling。
Then I struck her a blow with the dagger； in the left side；
between the lower ribs。
〃When people say that they do not remember what they do in a fit
of fury； they talk nonsense。 It is false。 I remember everything。
I did not lose my consciousness for a single moment。 The more I
lashed myself to fury； the clearer my mind became； and I could
not help seeing what I did。 I cannot say that I knew in advance
what I would do； but at the moment when I acted； and it seems to
me even a little before； I knew what I was doing； as if to make
it possible to repent； and to be able to say later that I could
have stopped。
〃I knew that I struck the blow between the ribs； and that the
dagger entered。
〃At the second when I did it； I knew that I was performing a
horrible act； such as I had never performed；an act that would
have frightful consequences。 My thought was as quick as
lightning； and the deed followed immediately。 The act； to my
inner sense； had an extraordinary clearness。 I perceived the
resistance of the corset and then something else； and then the
sinking of the knife into a soft substance。 She clutched at the
dagger with her hands； and cut herself with it； but could not
restrain the blow。
〃Long afterward； in prison when the moral revolution had been
effected within me； I thought of that minute； I remembered it as
far as I could； and I co…ordinated all the sudden changes。 I
remembered the terrible consciousness which I felt；that I was
killing a wife； MY wife。
〃I well remember the horror of that consciousness and I know
vaguely that； having plunged in the dagger； I drew it out again
immediately； wishing to repair and arrest my action。 She
straightened up and cried：
〃'Nurse； he has killed me！'
〃The old nurse； who had heard the noise； was standing in the
doorway。 I was still erect； waiting； and not believing myself in
what had happened。 But at that moment； from under her corset；
the blood gushed forth。 Then only did I understand that all
reparation was impossible； and promptly I decided that it was not
even necessary； that all had happened in accordance with my wish；
and that I had fulfilled my desire。 I waited until she fell； and
until the nurse； exclaiming； 'Oh； my God！' ran to her； then only
I threw away the dagger and went out of the room。
〃'I must not be agitated。 I must be conscious of what I am
doing；' I said to myself； looking neither at her nor at the old
nurse。 The latter cried and called the maid。 I passed through
the hall； and； after having sent the maid； started for my study。
〃'What shall I do now？' I asked myself。
〃And immediately I understood what I should do。 Directly after
entering the study； I went straight to the wall； took down the
revolver； and examined it attentively。 It was loaded。 Then I
placed it on the table。 Next I picked up the sheath of the
dagger； which had dropped down behind the sofa； and then I sat
down。 I remained thus for a long time。 I thought of not