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donal grant-第125章

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meanest of revenges! What did it matter to him what became of his
soul! Surely it was worse to hate as he made him hate than to
swallow any amount of narcotics!

〃I tell you; Grant;〃 he said once; 〃I was never so cruel to those I
treated worst。 There's nothing in the Persian hells; which beat all
the rest; to come up to what I go through for want of my comfort。
Promise to give it me; and I will tell you where to find some。〃

As often as Donal refused he would break out in a torrent of curses;
then lie still for a space。

〃How do you think you will do without it;〃 Donal once rejoined;
〃when you find yourself bodiless in the other world?〃

〃I'm not there yet! When that comes; it will be under new
conditions; if not unconditioned altogether。 We'll take the world we
have。 So; my dear boy; just go and get me what I want。 There are the
keys!〃

〃I dare not。〃

〃You wish to kill me!〃

〃I wouldn't keep you alive to eat opium。 I have other work than
that。 Not a finger would I move to save a life for such a life。 But
I would willingly risk my own to make you able to do without it。
There would be some good in that!〃

〃Oh; damn your preaching!〃

But the force of the habit abated a little。 Now and then it seemed
to return as strong as ever; but the fit went off again。 His
sufferings plainly decreased。

The doctor; having little yet of a practice; was able to be with him
several hours every day; so that Donal could lie down。 As he grew
better; Davie; or mistress Brookes; or lady Arctura would sit with
him。 But Donal was never farther off than the next room。 The earl's
madness was the worst of any; a moral madness: it could not fail to
affect the brain; but had not yet put him beyond his own control。
Repeatedly had Donal been on the verge of using force to restrain
him; but had not yet found himself absolutely compelled to do so:
fearless of him; he postponed it always to the very last; and the
last had not yet arrived。

The gentle ministrations of his niece by and by seemed to touch him。
He was growing to love her a little; He would smile when she came
into the room; and ask her how she did。 Once he sat looking at her
for some timethen said;

〃I hope I did not hurt you much。〃

〃When?〃 she asked。

〃Then;〃 he answered。

〃Oh; no; you did not hurt memuch!〃

〃Another time; I was very cruel to your aunt: do you think she will
forgive me!〃

〃Yes; I do。〃

〃Then you have forgiven me?〃

〃Of course I have。〃

〃Then of course God will forgive me too!〃

〃He willif you leave off; you know; uncle。〃

〃That's more than I can promise。〃

〃If you try; he will help you。〃

〃How can he? It is a second nature now!〃

〃He is your first nature。 He can help you too by taking away the
body and its nature together。〃

〃You're a fine comforter! God will help me to be good by taking away
my life! A nice encouragement to try! Hadn't I better kill myself
and save him the trouble!〃

〃It's not the dying; uncle! no amount of dying would ever make one
good。 It might only make it less difficult to be good。〃

〃But I might after all refuse to be good! I feel sure I should! He
had better let me alone!〃

〃God can do more than that to compel us to be gooda great deal
more than that! Indeed; uncle; we must repent。〃

He said no more for some minutes; then suddenly spoke again。

〃I suppose you mean to marry that rascal of a tutor!〃 he said。

She started up; and called Donal。 But to her relief he did not
answer: he was fast asleep。

〃He would not thank you for the suggestion; I fear;〃 she said;
sitting down again。 〃He is far above me!〃

〃Is there no chance for Forgue then?〃

〃Not the smallest。 I would rather have died where you left me
than〃

〃If you love me; don't mention that!〃 he cried。 〃I was not
myselfindeed I was not! I don't know nowthat is; I can't believe
sometimes I ever did it。〃

〃Uncle; have you asked God to forgive you!〃

〃I havea thousand times。〃

〃Then I will never speak of it again。〃

In general; however; he was sullen; cantankerous; abusive。 They were
all compassionate to him; treating him like a spoiled; but not the
less in reality a sickly child。 Arctura thought her grandmother
could not have brought him up well; more might surely have been made
of him。 But Arctura had him after a lifetime fertile in cause of
self…reproach; had him in the net of sore sickness; at the mercy of
the spirit of God。 He was a bad old childthis much only the wiser
for being old; that he had found the ways of transgressors hard。

One night Donal; hearing him restless; got up from the chair where
he watched by him most nights; and saw him staring; but not seeing:
his eyes showed that they regarded nothing material。 After a moment
he gave a great sigh; and his jaw fell。 Donal thought he was dead。
But presently he came to himself like one escaping from torture: a
terrible dream was behind him; pulling at the skirts of his
consciousness。

〃I've seen her!〃 he said。 〃She's waiting for me to take mebut
where I do not know。 She did not look angry; but then she seldom
looked angry when I was worst to her!Grant; I beg of you; don't
lose sight of Davie。 Make a man of him; and his mother will thank
you。 She was a good woman; his mother; though I did what I could to
spoil her! It was no use! I never could!and that was how she kept
her hold of me。 If I had succeeded; there would have been an end of
her power; and a genuine heir to the earldom! What a damned fool I
was to let it out! Who would have been the worse!〃

〃He's a heartless; unnatural rascal; though;〃 he resumed; 〃and has
made of me the fool I deserved to be made! His mother must see it
was not my fault! I would have set things right if I could! But it
was too late! And you tell me she has had a hand in letting the
truth outleaving her letters about!That's some comfort! She was
always fair; and will be the less hard on me。 If I could see a
chance of God being half as good to me as my poor wife。 She was my
wife! I will say it in spite of all the priests in the stupid
universe! She was my wife; and deserved to be my wife; and if I had
her now; I would marry her; because she would be foolish enough to
like it; though I would not do it all the time she was alive; let
her beg ever so! Where was the use of giving in; when I kept her in
hand so easily that way? That was it! It was not that I wanted to do
her any wrong。 But you should keep the lead。 A man mustn't play out
his last trump and lose the lead。 But then you never know about
dying! If I had known my poor wife was going to die; I would have
done whatever she wanted。 We had merry times together! It was those
cursed drugs that wiled the soul out of me; and then the devil went
in and took its place!There was curara in that last medicine; I'll
swear!Look you here now; Grant:if there were any way of
persuading God to give me a fresh lease of life! You say he hears
prayer: why shouldn't you ask him? I would make you any promise you
pleasedgive you any security you wanted; hereafter to live a
godly; righteous; and sober life。〃

〃But;〃 said Donal; 〃suppose God; reading your heart; saw that you
would go on as bad as ever; and that to leave you a
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