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begged twenty…five cents with which to buy a suit of clothes。
〃Melancholy wreck；〃 said the Statesman； 〃what brought you to this
state of degradation？ Liquor； I suppose。〃
〃I am temperate to the verge of absurdity；〃 replied the Tramp。 〃My
foible was patriotism； I was ruined by the baneful habit of trying
to serve my country。 What ruined you？〃
〃Indolence。〃
The Witch's Steed
A BROOMSTICK which had long served a witch as a steed complained of
the nature of its employment； which it thought degrading。
〃Very well；〃 said the Witch； 〃I will give you work in which you
will be associated with intellect … you will come in contact with
brains。 I shall present you to a housewife。〃
〃What！〃 said the Broomstick； 〃do you consider the hands of a
housewife intellectual？〃
〃I referred；〃 said the Witch； 〃to the head of her good man。〃
The All Dog
A LION seeing a Poodle fell into laughter at the ridiculous
spectacle。
〃Who ever saw so small a beast？〃 he said。
〃It is very true；〃 said the Poodle； with austere dignity； 〃that I
am small； but； sir； I beg to observe that I am all dog。〃
The Farmer's Friend
A GREAT Philanthropist who had thought of himself in connection
with the Presidency and had introduced a bill into Congress
requiring the Government to loan every voter all the money that he
needed； on his personal security； was explaining to a Sunday…school
at a railway station how much he had done for the country； when an
angel looked down from Heaven and wept。
〃For example；〃 said the Great Philanthropist； watching the
teardrops pattering in the dust； 〃these early rains are of
incalculable advantage to the farmer。〃
Physicians Two
A WICKED Old Man finding himself ill sent for a Physician； who
prescribed for him and went away。 Then the Wicked Old Man sent for
another Physician； saying nothing of the first； and an entirely
different treatment was ordered。 This continued for some weeks；
the physicians visiting him on alternate days and treating him for
two different disorders； with constantly enlarging doses of
medicine and more and more rigorous nursing。 But one day they
accidently met at his bedside while he slept； and the truth coming
out a violent quarrel ensued。
〃My good friends；〃 said the patient； awakened by the noise of the
dispute； and apprehending the cause of it； 〃pray be more
reasonable。 If I could for weeks endure you both； can you not for
a little while endure each other？ I have been well for ten days；
but have remained in bed in the hope of gaining by repose the
strength that would justify me in taking your medicines。 So far I
have touched none of it。〃
The Overlooked Factor
A MAN that owned a fine Dog； and by a careful selection of its mate
had bred a number of animals but a little lower than the angels；
fell in love with his washerwoman； married her； and reared a family
of dolts。
〃Alas！〃 he exclaimed； contemplating the melancholy result； 〃had I
but chosen a mate for myself with half the care that I did for my
Dog I should now be a proud and happy father。〃
〃I'm not so sure of that；〃 said the Dog； overhearing the lament。
〃There's a difference； certainly； between your whelps and mine； but
I venture to flatter myself that it is not due altogether to the
mothers。 You and I are not entirely alike ourselves。〃
A Racial Parallel
SOME White Christians engaged in driving Chinese Heathens out of an
American town found a newspaper published in Peking in the Chinese
tongue； and compelled one of their victims to translate an
editorial。 It turned out to be an appeal to the people of the
Province of Pang Ki to drive the foreign devils out of the country
and burn their dwellings and churches。 At this evidence of
Mongolian barbarity the White Christians were so greatly incensed
that they carried out their original design。
The Honest Cadi
A ROBBER who had plundered a Merchant of one thousand pieces of
gold was taken before the Cadi； who asked him if he had anything to
say why he should not be decapitated。
〃Your Honour；〃 said the Robber； 〃I could do no otherwise than take
the money； for Allah made me that way。〃
〃Your defence is ingenious and sound；〃 said the Cadi； 〃and I must
acquit you of criminality。 Unfortunately； Allah has made me so
that I must also take off your head … unless；〃 he added；
thoughtfully； 〃you offer me half of the gold； for He made me weak
under temptation。〃
Thereupon the Robber put five hundred pieces of gold into the
Cadi's hand。
〃Good；〃 said the Cadi。 〃I shall now remove but one half your head。
To show my trust in your discretion I shall leave intact the half
you talk with。〃
The Kangaroo and the Zebra
A KANGAROO hopping awkwardly along with some bulky object concealed
in her pouch met a Zebra； and desirous of keeping his attention
upon himself； said：
〃Your costume looks as if you might have come out of the
penitentiary。〃
〃Appearances are deceitful；〃 replied the Zebra； smiling in the
consciousness of a more insupportable wit； 〃or I should have to
think that you had come out of the Legislature。〃
A Matter of Method
A PHILOSOPHER seeing a Fool beating his Donkey； said：
〃Abstain； my son； abstain； I implore。 Those who resort to violence
shall suffer from violence。〃
〃That；〃 said the Fool； diligently belabouring the animal； 〃is what
I'm trying to teach this beast … which has kicked me。〃
〃Doubtless；〃 said the Philosopher to himself； as he walked away；
〃the wisdom of fools is no deeper nor truer than ours； but they
really do seem to have a more impressive way of imparting it。〃
The Man of Principle
DURING a shower of rain the Keeper of a Zoological garden observed
a Man of Principle crouching beneath the belly of the ostrich；
which had drawn itself up to its full height to sleep。
〃Why； my dear sir；〃 said the Keeper； 〃if you fear to get wet； you'd
better creep into the pouch of yonder female kangaroo … the
SALTARIX MACKINTOSHA … for if that ostrich wakes he will kick you
to death in a minute。〃
〃I can't help that；〃 the Man of Principle replied； with that lofty
scorn of practical considerations distinguishing his species。 〃He
may kick me to death if he wish； but until he does he shall give me
shelter from the storm。