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and to…morrow the world may be ringing with your name。〃
〃What are you giving me？〃 the Labourer said。 〃Cannot an honest
pavior perform his work in peace； and get his money for it； and his
living by it； without others talking rot about ambition and hopes
of fame？〃
〃Cannot an honest writer？〃 said the Author。
The Tried Assassin
AN Assassin being put upon trial in a New England court； his
Counsel rose and said： 〃Your Honour； I move for a discharge on the
ground of 'once in jeopardy'： my client has been already tried for
that murder and acquitted。〃
〃In what court？〃 asked the Judge。
〃In the Superior Court of San Francisco；〃 the Counsel replied。
〃Let the trial proceed … your motion is denied；〃 said the Judge。
〃An Assassin is not in jeopardy when tried in California。〃
The Bumbo of Jiam
THE Pahdour of Patagascar and the Gookul of Madagonia were
disputing about an island which both claimed。 Finally； at the
suggestion of the International League of Cannon Founders； which
had important branches in both countries； they decided to refer
their claims to the Bumbo of Jiam； and abide by his judgment。 In
settling the preliminaries of the arbitration they had； however；
the misfortune to disagree； and appealed to arms。 At the end of a
long and disastrous war； when both sides were exhausted and
bankrupt； the Bumbo of Jiam intervened in the interest of peace。
〃My great and good friends；〃 he said to his brother sovereigns； 〃it
will be advantageous to you to learn that some questions are more
complex and perilous than others； presenting a greater number of
points upon which it is possible to differ。 For four generations
your royal predecessors disputed about possession of that island；
without falling out。 Beware； oh； beware the perils of
international arbitration！ … against which I feel it my duty to
protect you henceforth。〃
So saying； he annexed both countries； and after a long； peaceful；
and happy reign was poisoned by his Prime Minister。
The Two Poets
Two Poets were quarrelling for the Apple of Discord and the Bone of
Contention； for they were very hungry。
〃My sons；〃 said Apollo； 〃I will part the prizes between you。 You；〃
he said to the First Poet； 〃excel in Art … take the Apple。 And
you；〃 he said to the Second Poet； 〃in Imagination … take the Bone。〃
〃To Art the best prize！〃 said the First Poet； triumphantly； and
endeavouring to devour his award broke all his teeth。 The Apple
was a work of Art。
〃That shows our Master's contempt for mere Art；〃 said the Second
Poet； grinning。
Thereupon he attempted to gnaw his Bone； but his teeth passed
through it without resistance。 It was an imaginary Bone。
The Thistles upon the Grave
A MIND Reader made a wager that he would be buried alive and remain
so for six months； then be dug up alive。 In order to secure the
grave against secret disturbance； it was sown with thistles。 At
the end of three months； the Mind Reader lost his money。 He had
come up to eat the thistles。
The Shadow of the Leader
A POLITICAL Leader was walking out one sunny day； when he observed
his Shadow leaving him and walking rapidly away。
〃Come back here； you scoundrel；〃 he cried。
〃If I had been a scoundrel；〃 answered the Shadow； increasing its
speed； 〃I should not have left you。〃
The Sagacious Rat
A RAT that was about to emerge from his hole caught a glimpse of a
Cat waiting for him； and descending to the colony at the bottom of
the hole invited a Friend to join him in a visit to a neighbouring
corn…bin。 〃I would have gone alone；〃 he said； 〃but could not deny
myself the pleasure of such distinguished company。〃
〃Very well；〃 said the Friend； 〃I will go with you。 Lead on。〃
〃Lead？〃 exclaimed the other。 〃What！ I precede so great and
illustrious a rat as you？ No； indeed … after you； sir； after you。〃
Pleased with this great show of deference； the Friend went ahead；
and； leaving the hole first； was caught by the Cat； who immediately
trotted away with him。 The other then went out unmolested。
The Member and the Soap
A MEMBER of the Kansas Legislature meeting a Cake of Soap was
passing it by without recognition； but the Cake of Soap insisted on
stopping and shaking hands。 Thinking it might possibly be in the
enjoyment of the elective franchise； he gave it a cordial and
earnest grasp。 On letting it go he observed that a portion of it
adhered to his fingers； and running to a brook in great alarm he
proceeded to wash it off。 In doing so he necessarily got some on
the other hand； and when he had finished washing； both were so
white that he went to bed and sent for a physician。
Alarm and Pride
〃GOOD…MORNING； my friend；〃 said Alarm to Pride； 〃how are you this
morning？〃
〃Very tired；〃 replied Pride； seating himself on a stone by the
wayside and mopping his steaming brow。 〃The politicians are
wearing me out by pointing to their dirty records with ME； when
they could as well use a stick。〃
Alarm sighed sympathetically； and said：
〃It is pretty much the same way here。 Instead of using an opera…
glass they view the acts of their opponents with ME！〃
As these patient drudges were mingling their tears； they were
notified that they must go on duty again； for one of the political
parties had nominated a thief and was about to hold a gratification
meeting。
A Causeway
A RICH Woman having returned from abroad disembarked at the foot of
Knee…deep Street； and was about to walk to her hotel through the
mud。
〃Madam；〃 said a Policeman； 〃I cannot permit you to do that； you
would soil your shoes and stockings。〃
〃Oh； that is of no importance； really；〃 replied the Rich Woman；
with a cheerful smile。
〃But； madam； it is needless； from the wharf to the hotel； as you
observe； extends an unbroken line of prostrate newspaper men who
crave the honour of having you walk upon them。〃
〃In that case；〃 she said； seating herself in a doorway and
unlocking her satchel； 〃I shall have to put on my rubber boots。〃
Two in Trouble
MEETING a fat and patriotic Statesman on his way to Washington to
beseech the President for an office； an idle Tramp accosted him and
begged twenty…five cents with which to buy a suit of clothes。
〃Melancholy wreck；〃 said the Statesman； 〃