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The Unchanged Diplomatist
THE republic of Madagonia had been long and well represented at the
court of the King of Patagascar by an officer called a Dazie； but
one day the Madagonian Parliament conferred upon him the superior
rank of Dandee。 The next day after being apprised of his new
dignity he hastened to inform the King of Patagascar。
〃Ah； yes； I understand；〃 said the King； 〃you have been promoted and
given increased pay and allowances。 There was an appropriation？〃
〃Yes； your Majesty。〃
〃And you have now two heads； have you not？〃
〃Oh； no； your Majesty … only one； I assure you。〃
〃Indeed？ And how many legs and arms？〃
〃Two of each； Sire … only two of each。〃
〃And only one body？〃
〃Just a single body； as you perceive。〃
Thoughtfully removing his crown and scratching the royal head； the
monarch was silent a moment； and then he said：
〃I fancy that appropriation has been misapplied。 You seem to be
about the same kind of idiot that you were before。〃
An Invitation
A PIOUS Person who had overcharged his paunch with dead bird by way
of attesting his gratitude for escaping the many calamities which
Heaven had sent upon others； fell asleep at table and dreamed。 He
thought he lived in a country where turkeys were the ruling class；
and every year they held a feast to manifest their sense of
Heaven's goodness in sparing their lives to kill them later。 One
day； about a week before one of these feasts； he met the Supreme
Gobbler； who said：
〃You will please get yourself into good condition for the
Thanksgiving dinner。〃
〃Yes； your Excellency；〃 replied the Pious Person； delighted； 〃I
shall come hungry； I assure you。 It is no small privilege to dine
with your Excellency。〃
The Supreme Gobbler eyed him for a moment in silence； then he said：
〃As one of the lower domestic animals； you cannot be expected to
know much； but you might know something。 Since you do not； you
will permit me to point out that being asked to dinner is one
thing； being asked to dine is another and a different thing。〃
With this significant remark the Supreme Gobbler left him； and
thenceforward the Pious Person dreamed of himself as white meat and
dark until rudely awakened by decapitation。
The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky
THE two brightest lights of Theosophy being in the same place at
once in company with the Ashes of Madame Blavatsky； an Inquiring
Soul thought the time propitious to learn something worth while。
So he sat at the feet of one awhile； and then he sat awhile at the
feet of the other； and at last he applied his ear to the keyhole of
the casket containing the Ashes of Madame Blavatsky。 When the
Inquiring Soul had completed his course of instruction he declared
himself the Ahkoond of Swat； fell into the baleful habit of
standing on his head； and swore that the mother who bore him was a
pragmatic paralogism。 Wherefore he was held in high reverence； and
when the two other gentlemen were hanged for lying the Theosophists
elected him to the leadership of their Disastral Body； and after a
quiet life and an honourable death by the kick of a jackass he was
reincarnated as a Yellow Dog。 As such he ate the Ashes of Madame
Blavatsky； and Theosophy was no more。
The Opossum of the Future
ONE day an Opossum who had gone to sleep hanging from the highest
branch of a tree by the tail； awoke and saw a large Snake wound
about the limb； between him and the trunk of the tree。
〃If I hold on；〃 he said to himself； 〃I shall be swallowed； if I let
go I shall break my neck。〃
But suddenly he bethought himself to dissemble。
〃My perfected friend；〃 he said； 〃my parental instinct recognises in
you a noble evidence and illustration of the theory of development。
You are the Opossum of the Future； the ultimate Fittest Survivor of
our species； the ripe result of progressive prehensility … all
tail！〃
But the Snake； proud of his ancient eminence in Scriptural history；
was strictly orthodox； and did not accept the scientific view。
The Life…Savers
SEVENTY…FIVE Men presented themselves before the President of the
Humane Society and demanded the great gold medal for life…saving。
〃Why； yes；〃 said the President； 〃by diligent effort so many men
must have saved a considerable number of lives。 How many did you
save？〃
〃Seventy…five； sir；〃 replied their Spokesman。
〃Ah； yes； that is one each … very good work … very good work；
indeed；〃 the President said。 〃You shall not only have the
Society's great gold medal； but its recommendation for employment
at the various life…boat stations along the coast。 But how did you
save so many lives？〃
The Spokesman of the Men replied：
〃We are officers of the law； and have just returned from the
pursuit of two murderous outlaws。〃
The Australian Grasshopper
A DISTINGUISHED Naturalist was travelling in Australia； when he saw
a Kangaroo in session and flung a stone at it。 The Kangaroo
immediately adjourned； tracing against the sunset sky a parabolic
curve spanning seven provinces； and evanished below the horizon。
The Distinguished Naturalist looked interested； but said nothing
for an hour； then he said to his native Guide：
〃You have pretty wide meadows here； I suppose？〃
〃No； not very wide；〃 the Guide answered； 〃about the same as in
England and America。〃
After another long silence the Distinguished Naturalist said：
〃The hay which we shall purchase for our horses this evening … I
shall expect to find the stalks about fifty feet long。 Am I
right？〃
〃Why； no；〃 said the Guide； 〃a foot or two is about the usual length
of our hay。 What can you be thinking of？〃
The Distinguished Naturalist made no immediate reply； but later； as
in the shades of night they journeyed through the desolate vastness
of the Great Lone Land； he broke the silence：
〃I was thinking；〃 he said； 〃of the uncommon magnitude of that
grass…hopper。〃
The Pavior
AN Author saw a Labourer hammering stones into the pavement of a
street； and approaching him said：
〃My friend； you seem weary。 Ambition is a hard taskmaster。〃
〃I'm working for Mr。 Jones； sir；〃 the Labourer replied。
〃Well； cheer up；〃 the Author resumed； 〃fame comes at the most
unexpected times。 To…day you are poor； obscure； and disheartened；
and to…morrow the world may be ringing with your name。〃