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purchased a ticket to Chicago。〃
〃My sister；〃 said an adjacent Man of God； solemnly； 〃you cannot
stop the wicked from going to Chicago by killing them。〃
Father and Son
〃MY boy；〃 said an aged Father to his fiery and disobedient Son； 〃a
hot temper is the soil of remorse。 Promise me that when next you
are angry you will count one hundred before you move or speak。〃
No sooner had the Son promised than he received a stinging blow
from the paternal walking…stick； and by the time he had counted to
seventy…five had the unhappiness to see the old man jump into a
waiting cab and whirl away。
The Discontented Malefactor
A JUDGE having sentenced a Malefactor to the penitentiary was
proceeding to point out to him the disadvantages of crime and the
profit of reformation。
〃Your Honour；〃 said the Malefactor； interrupting； 〃would you be
kind enough to alter my punishment to ten years in the penitentiary
and nothing else？〃
〃Why；〃 said the Judge； surprised； 〃I have given you only three
years！〃
〃Yes； I know；〃 assented the Malefactor … 〃three years' imprisonment
and the preaching。 If you please； I should like to commute the
preaching。〃
A Call to Quit
SEEING that his audiences were becoming smaller every Sunday； a
Minister of the Gospel broke off in the midst of a sermon；
descended the pulpit stairs； and walked on his hands down the
central aisle of the church。 He then remounted his feet； ascended
to the pulpit； and resumed his discourse； making no allusion to the
incident。
〃Now；〃 said he to himself； as he went home； 〃I shall have；
henceforth； a large attendance and no snoring。〃
But on the following Friday he was waited upon by the Pillars of
the Church； who informed him that in order to be in harmony with
the New Theology and get full advantage of modern methods of Gospel
interpretation they had deemed it advisable to make a change。 They
had therefore sent a call to Brother Jowjeetum…Fallal； the World…
Renowned Hindoo Human Pin…Wheel； then holding forth in Hoopitup's
circus。 They were happy to say that the reverend gentleman had
been moved by the Spirit to accept the call； and on the ensuing
Sabbath would break the bread of life for the brethren or break his
neck in the attempt。
The Man and the Lightning
A MAN Running for Office was overtaken by Lightning。
〃You see；〃 said the Lightning； as it crept past him inch by inch；
〃I can travel considerably faster than you。〃
〃Yes；〃 the Man Running for Office replied； 〃but think how much
longer I keep going！〃
The Lassoed Bear
A HUNTER who had lassoed a Bear was trying to disengage himself
from the rope； but the slip…knot about his wrist would not yield；
for the Bear was all the time pulling in the slack with his paws。
In the midst of his trouble the Hunter saw a Showman passing by；
and managed to attract his attention。
〃What will you give me；〃 he said； 〃for my Bear？〃
〃It will be some five or ten minutes；〃 said the Showman； 〃before I
shall want a fresh Bear； and it looks to me as if prices would fall
during that time。 I think I'll wait and watch the market。〃
〃The price of this animal；〃 the Hunter replied； 〃is down to bed…
rock； you can have him for nothing a pound； spot cash； and I'll
throw in the next one that I lasso。 But the purchaser must remove
the goods from the premises forthwith； to make room for three man…
eating tigers； a cat…headed gorilla； and an armful of
rattlesnakes。〃
But the Showman passed on； in maiden meditation； fancy free； and
being joined soon afterward by the Bear； who was absently picking
his teeth； it was inferred that they were not unacquainted。
The Ineffective Rooter
A DRUNKEN Man was lying in the road with a bleeding nose； upon
which he had fallen； when a Pig passed that way。
〃You wallow fairly well；〃 said the Pig； 〃but； my fine fellow； you
have much to learn about rooting。〃
A Protagonist of Silver
SOME Financiers who were whetting their tongues on their teeth
because the Government had 〃struck down〃 silver； and were about to
〃inaugurate〃 a season of sweatshed； were addressed as follows by a
Member of their honourable and warlike body：
〃Comrades of the thunder and companions of death； I cannot but
regard it as singularly fortunate that we who by conviction and
sympathy are designated by nature as the champions of that fairest
of her products； the white metal； should also； by a happy chance；
be engaged mostly in the business of mining it。 Nothing could be
more appropriate than that those who from unselfish motives and
elevated sentiments are doing battle for the people's rights and
interests； should themselves be the chief beneficiaries of success。
Therefore； O children of the earthquake and the storm； let us stand
shoulder to shoulder； heart to heart； and pocket to pocket！〃
This speech so pleased the other Members of the convention that；
actuated by a magnanimous impulse； they sprang to their feet and
left the hall。 It was the first time they had ever been known to
leave anything having value。
The Holy Deacon
AN Itinerant Preacher who had wrought hard in the moral vineyard
for several hours whispered to a Holy Deacon of the local church：
〃Brother； these people know you； and your active support will bear
fruit abundantly。 Please pass the plate for me； and you shall have
one fourth。〃
The Holy Deacon did so； and putting the money into his pocket
waited till the congregation was dismissed and said goodnight。
〃But the money； brother； the money that you collected！〃 said the
Itinerant Preacher。
〃Nothing is coming to you；〃 was the reply； 〃the Adversary has
hardened their hearts； and one fourth is all they gave。〃
A Hasty Settlement
〃YOUR Honour；〃 said an Attorney； rising； 〃what is the present
status of this case … as far as it has gone？〃
〃I have given a judgment for the residuary legatee under the will；〃
said the Court； 〃put the costs upon the contestants； decided all
questions relating to fees and other charges； and； in short； the
estate in litigation has been settled； with all controversies；
disputes； misunderstandings； and differences of opinion thereunto
appertaining。〃
〃Ah； yes； I see；〃 said the Attorney； thoughtfully； 〃we are making
progress … we are getting on famously。〃
〃Progress？〃 echoed the