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young in a pouch。〃
The Camel said：
〃If he would only respect the sacred Hump； he would be faultless。
As it is； I cannot permit his fables to be read in the presence of
my family。〃
The Ostrich； seeing his approach； thrust her head in the straw；
saying：
〃If I do not conceal myself； he may be reminded to write something
disagreeable about my lack of a crest or my appetite for scrap…
iron； and although he is inexpressibly brilliant when he devotes
himself to censure of folly and greed； his dulness is matchless
when he transcends the limits of legitimate comment。〃
〃That；' said the Buzzard to his mate； 〃is the distinguished author
of that glorious fable； 'The Ostrich and the Keg of Raw Nails。' I
regret to add； that he wrote； also； 'The Buzzard's Feast；' in which
a carrion diet is contumeliously disparaged。 A carrion diet is the
foundation of sound health。 If nothing else but corpses were
eaten； death would be unknown。〃
Seeing an attendant approaching； the wise and illustrious Writer of
Fables passed out of the tent and mingled with the crowd。 It was
afterward discovered that he had crept in under the canvas without
paying。
A Revivalist Revived
A REVIVALIST who had fallen dead in the pulpit from too violent
religious exercise was astonished to wake up in Hades。 He promptly
sent for the Adversary of Souls and demanded his freedom；
explaining that he was entirely orthodox； and had always led a
pious and holy life。
〃That is all very true；〃 said the Adversary； 〃but you taught by
example that a verb should not agree with its subject in person and
number； whereas the Good Book says that contention is worse than a
dinner of herbs。 You also tried to release the objective case from
its thraldom to the preposition； and it is written that servants
should obey their masters。 You stay right here。〃
The Debaters
A HURLED…BACK Allegation； which； after a brief rest； had again
started forth upon its mission of mischief； met an Ink…stand in
mid…air。
〃How did the Honourable Member whom you represent know that I was
coming again？〃 inquired the Hurled…back Allegation。
〃He did not；〃 the Inkstand replied； 〃he isn't at all forehanded at
repartee。〃
〃Why； then； do you come； things being even when he had hurled me
back？〃
〃He wanted to be a little ahead。〃
Two of the Pious
A CHRISTIAN and a Heathen in His Blindness were disputing； when the
Christian； with that charming consideration which serves to
distinguish the truly pious from the wolves that perish； exclaimed：
〃If I could have my way； I'd blow up all your gods with dynamite。〃
〃And if I could have mine；〃 retorted the Heathen in His Blindness；
bitterly malevolent but oleaginuously suave； 〃I'd fan all yours out
of the universe。〃
The Desperate Object
A DISHONEST Gain was driving in its luxurious carriage through its
private park； when it saw something which frantically and
repeatedly ran against a stone wall； endeavouring to butt out its
brains。
〃Hold！ Hold！ thou desperate Object；〃 cried the Dishonest Gain；
〃these beautiful private grounds are no place for such work as
thine。〃
〃True；〃 said the Object； pausing； 〃I have other and better grounds
for it。〃
〃Then thou art a happy man；〃 said the Dishonest Gain； 〃and thy
bleeding head is but mere dissembling。 Who art thou； great actor？〃
〃I am known；〃 said the Object； dashing itself again at the wall；
〃as the Consciousness of Duty Well Performed。〃
The Appropriate Memorial
A HIGH Public Functionary having died； the citizens of his town
held a meeting to consider how to honour his memory； and an Other
High Public Functionary rose and addressed the meeting。
〃Mr。 Chairman and Gintlemen；〃 said the Other； 〃it sames to me； and
I'm hopin' yez wull approve the suggistion； that an appropriet way
to honour the mimory of the decaised would be to erect an emolument
sootably inscribed wid his vartues。〃
The soul of the great man looked down from Heaven and wept。
A Needless Labour
AFTER waiting many a weary day to revenge himself upon a Lion for
some unconsidered manifestation of contempt； a Skunk finally saw
him coming； and posting himself in the path ahead uttered the
inaudible discord of his race。 Observing that the Lion gave no
attention to the matter； the Skunk； keeping carefully out of reach；
said：
〃Sir； I beg leave to point out that I have set on foot an
implacable odour。〃
〃My dear fellow；〃 the Lion replied； 〃you have taken a needless
trouble； I already knew that you were a Skunk。〃
A Flourishing Industry
〃ARE the industries of this country in a flourishing condition？〃
asked a Traveller from a Foreign Land of the first man he met in
America。
〃Splendid！〃 said the Man。 〃I have more orders than I can fill。〃
〃What is your business？〃 the Traveller from a Foreign Land
inquired。
The Man replied； 〃I make boxing…gloves for the tongues of
pugilists。〃
The Self…Made Monkey
A MAN of humble birth and no breading； who held a high political
office； was passing through a forest； when he met a Monkey。
〃I take it you are one of my constituents；〃 the Man said。
〃No；〃 replied the Monkey； 〃but I will support you if you can urge a
valid claim to my approval。〃
〃I am a self…made man；〃 said the other； proudly。
〃That is nothing；〃 the Monkey said。 And going to a bigger pine； he
rose by his own unaided exertions to the top branch； where he sat；
all bedaubed with the pitch which that vegetable exudes。 〃Now；〃 he
added； 〃I am a self…made Monkey。〃
The Patriot and the Banker
A PATRIOT who had taken office poor and retired rich was introduced
at a bank where he desired to open an account。
〃With pleasure；〃 said the Honest Banker； 〃we shall be glad to do
business with you； but first you must make yourself an honest man
by restoring what you stole from the Government。〃
〃Good heavens！〃 cried the Patriot； 〃if I do that； I shall have
nothing to deposit with you。〃
〃I don't see that；〃 the Honest Banker replied。 〃We are not the
whole American people。〃
〃Ah； I understand；〃 said the Patriot； musing。 〃At what sum do you
estimate this bank's proportion of the country's loss by me？〃
〃About a dollar；〃 answered the Honest Banker。
And with a proud