按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
〃The best in the world；〃 the applicant replied； confidentially； 〃I
am about to become your son…in…law。〃
〃That would indeed be gilt…edged；〃 said the banker； gravely； 〃but
what claim have you to the hand of my daughter？〃
〃One that cannot be lightly denied；〃 said the Tatterdemalion。 〃I
am about to become worth one hundred thousand dollars。〃
Unable to detect a weak point in this scheme of mutual advantage；
the financier gave the promoter in disguise an order for the money；
and wrote a note to his wife directing her to count out the girl。
The Statesman and the Horse
A STATESMAN who had saved his country was returning from Washington
on foot； when he met a Race Horse going at full speed； and stopped
it。
〃Turn about and travel the other way；〃 said the Statesman； 〃and I
will keep you company as far as my home。 The advantages of
travelling together are obvious。〃
〃I cannot do that；〃 said the Race Horse； 〃I am following my master
to Washington。 I did not go fast enough to suit him； and he has
gone on ahead。〃
〃Who is your master？〃 inquired the Statesman。
〃He is the Statesman who saved his country；〃 answered the Race
Horse。
〃There appears to be some mistake；〃 the other said。 〃Why did he
wish to travel so fast？〃
〃So as to be there in time to get the country that he saved。〃
〃I guess he got it；〃 said the other； and limped along； sighing。
An AErophobe
A CELEBRATED Divine having affirmed the fallibility of the Bible；
was asked why； then； he preached the religion founded upon it。
〃If it is fallible；〃 he replied； 〃there is the greater reason that
I explain it； lest it mislead。〃
〃Then am I to infer；〃 said his Questioner； 〃that YOU are not
fallible？〃
〃You are to infer that I am not pneumophagous。〃
The Thrift of Strength
A WEAK Man going down…hill met a Strong Man going up； and said：
〃I take this direction because it requires less exertion； not from
choice。 I pray you； sir； assist me to regain the summit。〃
〃Gladly；〃 said the Strong Man； his face illuminated with the glory
of his thought。 〃I have always considered my strength a sacred
gift in trust for my fellow…men。 I will take you along with me。
Just get behind me and push。〃
The Good Government
〃WHAT a happy land you are！〃 said a Republican Form of Government
to a Sovereign State。 〃Be good enough to lie still while I walk
upon you； singing the praises of universal suffrage and descanting
upon the blessings of civil and religious liberty。 In the meantime
you can relieve your feelings by cursing the one…man power and the
effete monarchies of Europe。〃
〃My public servants have been fools and rogues from the date of
your accession to power；〃 replied the State； 〃my legislative
bodies； both State and municipal； are bands of thieves； my taxes
are insupportable； my courts are corrupt； my cities are a disgrace
to civilisation； my corporations have their hands at the throats of
every private interest … all my affairs are in disorder and
criminal confusion。〃
〃That is all very true；〃 said the Republican Form of Government；
putting on its hobnail shoes； 〃but consider how I thrill you every
Fourth of July。〃
The Life Saver
AN Ancient Maiden； standing on the edge of a wharf near a Modern
Swain； was overheard rehearsing the words：
〃Noble preserver！ The life that you have saved is yours！〃
Having repeated them several times with various intonations； she
sprang into the water； where she was suffered to drown。
〃I am a noble preserver；〃 said the Modern Swain； thoughtfully
moving away； 〃the life that I have saved is indeed mine。〃
The Man and the Bird
A MAN with a Shotgun said to a Bird：
〃It is all nonsense； you know； about shooting being a cruel sport。
I put my skill against your cunning…that is all there is of it。 It
is a fair game。〃
〃True；〃 said the Bird； 〃but I don't wish to play。〃
〃Why not？〃 inquired the Man with a Shotgun。
〃The game；〃 the Bird replied； 〃is fair as you say； the chances are
about even； but consider the stake。 I am in it for you； but what
is there in it for me？〃
Not being prepared with an answer to the question； the Man with a
Shotgun sagaciously removed the propounder。
From the Minutes
AN Orator afflicted with atrophy of the organ of common…sense rose
in his place in the halls of legislation and pointed with pride to
his Unblotted Escutcheon。 Seeing what it supposed to be the finger
of scorn pointed at it； the Unblotted Escutcheon turned black with
rage。 Seeing the Unblotted Escutcheon turning black with what he
supposed to be the record of his own misdeeds showing through the
whitewash； the Orator fell dead of mortification。 Seeing the
Orator fall dead of what they supposed to be atrophy of the organ
of common…sense； his colleagues resolved that whenever they should
adjourn because they were tired； it should be out of respect to the
memory of him who had so frequently made them so。
Three of a Kind
A LAWYER in whom an instinct of justice had survived the wreck of
his ignorance of law was retained for the defence of a burglar whom
the police had taken after a desperate struggle with someone not in
custody。 In consultation with his client the Lawyer asked； 〃Have
you accomplices？〃
〃Yes； sir；〃 replied the Burglar。 〃I have two； but neither has been
taken。 I hired one to defend me against capture； you to defend me
against conviction。〃
This answer deeply impressed the Lawyer； and having ascertained
that the Burglar had accumulated no money in his profession he
threw up the case。
The Fabulist and the Animals
A WISE and illustrious Writer of Fables was visiting a travelling
menagerie with a view to collecting literary materials。 As he was
passing near the Elephant； that animal said：
〃How sad that so justly famous a satirist should mar his work by
ridicule of people with long noses … who are the salt of the
earth！〃
The Kangaroo said：
〃I do so enjoy that great man's censure of the ridiculous …
particularly his attacks on the Proboscidae； but； alas！ he has no
reverence for the Marsupials； and laughs at our way of carrying our
young in a pouch。〃
The Camel said：
〃If he would only respect the sacred Hump； he would be faultless。
As it is； I canno