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〃Ah；〃 said the Moral Principle； hesitatingly； 〃let us draw lots to
see which shall retire till the other has crossed。〃
The Material Interest maintained an unbroken silence and an
unwavering stare。
〃In order to avoid a conflict；〃 the Moral Principle resumed；
somewhat uneasily； 〃I shall myself lie down and let you walk over
me。〃
Then the Material Interest found a tongue； and by a strange
coincidence it was its own tongue。 〃I don't think you are very
good walking；〃 it said。 〃I am a little particular about what I
have underfoot。 Suppose you get off into the water。〃
It occurred that way。
The Crimson Candle
A MAN lying at the point of death called his wife to his bedside
and said：
〃I am about to leave you forever； give me； therefore； one last
proof of your affection and fidelity； for； according to our holy
religion； a married man seeking admittance at the gate of Heaven is
required to swear that he has never defiled himself with an
unworthy woman。 In my desk you will find a crimson candle； which
has been blessed by the High Priest and has a peculiar mystical
significance。 Swear to me that while it is in existence you will
not remarry。〃
The Woman swore and the Man died。 At the funeral the Woman stood
at the head of the bier； holding a lighted crimson candle till it
was wasted entirely away。
The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine
A BLOTTED Escutcheon； rising to a question of privilege； said：
〃Mr。 Speaker； I wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that
the spots upon me are the natural markings of one who is a direct
descendant of the sun and a spotted fawn。 They come of no accident
of character； but inhere in the divine order and constitution of
things。〃
When the Blotted Escutcheon had resumed his seat a Soiled Ermine
rose and said：
〃Mr。 Speaker； I have heard with profound attention and entire
approval the explanation of the honourable member； and wish to
offer a few remarks on my own behalf。 I； too； have been foully
calumniated by our ancient enemy； the Infamous Falsehood； and I
wish to point out that I am made of the fur of the MUSTELA
MACULATA； which is dirty from birth。〃
The Ingenious Patriot
HAVING obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled
a paper from his pocket； saying：
〃May it please your Majesty； I have here a formula for constructing
armour…plating which no gun can pierce。 If these plates are
adopted in the Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable； and
therefore invincible。 Here； also； are reports of your Majesty's
Ministers； attesting the value of the invention。 I will part with
my right in it for a million tumtums。〃
After examining the papers； the King put them away and promised him
an order on the Lord High Treasurer of the Extortion Department for
a million tumtums。
〃And here；〃 said the Ingenious Patriot； pulling another paper from
another pocket； 〃are the working plans of a gun that I have
invented； which will pierce that armour。 Your Majesty's Royal
Brother； the Emperor of Bang； is anxious to purchase it； but
loyalty to your Majesty's throne and person constrains me to offer
it first to your Majesty。 The price is one million tumtums。〃
Having received the promise of another check； he thrust his hand
into still another pocket； remarking：
〃The price of the irresistible gun would have been much greater；
your Majesty； but for the fact that its missiles can be so
effectively averted by my peculiar method of treating the armour
plates with a new… 〃
The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach。
〃Search this man；〃 he said； 〃and report how many pockets he has。〃
〃Forty…three； Sire；〃 said the Great Head Factotum； completing the
scrutiny。
〃May it please your Majesty；〃 cried the Ingenious Patriot； in
terror； 〃one of them contains tobacco。〃
〃Hold him up by the ankles and shake him；〃 said the King； 〃then
give him a check for forty…two million tumtums and put him to
death。 Let a decree issue declaring ingenuity a capital offence。〃
Two Kings
THE King of Madagao； being engaged in a dispute with the King of
Bornegascar； wrote him as follows：
〃Before proceeding further in this matter I demand the recall of
your Minister from my capital。〃
Greatly enraged by this impossible demand； the King of Bornegascar
replied：
〃I shall not recall my Minister。 Moreover； if you do not
immediately retract your demand I shall withdraw him！〃
This threat so terrified the King of Madagao that in hastening to
comply he fell over his own feet； breaking the Third Commandment。
An Officer and a Thug
A CHIEF of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was very
indignant； and said he must not do so any more on pain of
dismissal。
〃Don't be too hard on me；〃 said the Officer； smiling； 〃I was
beating him with a stuffed club。〃
〃Nevertheless；〃 persisted the Chief of Police； 〃it was a liberty
that must have been very disagreeable； though it may not have hurt。
Please do not repeat it。〃
〃But；〃 said the Officer； still smiling； 〃it was a stuffed Thug。〃
In attempting to express his gratification； the Chief of Police
thrust out his right hand with such violence that his skin was
ruptured at the arm…pit and a stream of sawdust poured from the
wound。 He was a stuffed Chief of Police。
The Conscientious Official
WHILE a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending closely
to his business of placing obstructions on the track and tampering
with the switches he received word that the President of the road
was about to discharge him for incompetency。
〃Good Heavens！〃 he cried； 〃there are more accidents on my division
than on all the rest of the line。〃
〃The President is very particular；〃 said the Man who brought him
the news； 〃he thinks the same loss of life might be effected with
less damage to the company's property。〃
〃Does he expect me to shoot passengers through the car windows？〃
exclaimed the indignant official； spiking a loose tie across the
rails。 〃Does he take me for an assassin？〃
How Leisure Came
A MAN to Whom Time Was Money； and who was bolting his breakfast in
order to catch a train； had leaned his newspaper against the sugar…
bowl and was reading as he ate。 In his haste and abstraction he
stuck a pickle…fork into his right eye； and on remov