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the trunk of a small tree； and subsequently cleaned out the town。
While trying to palliate these misdeeds； the defendant's Attorney
turned suddenly to the Judge； saying：
〃Did your Honour ever lose your temper？〃
〃I fine you twenty…five dollars for contempt of court！〃 roared the
Judge； in wrath。 〃How dare you mention the loss of my temper in
connection with this case？〃
After a moment's silence the Attorney said； meekly：
〃I thought my client might perhaps have found it。〃
The Seeker and the Sought
A POLITICIAN seeing a fat Turkey which he wanted for dinner； baited
a hook with a grain of corn and dragged it before the fowl at the
end of a long and almost invisible line。 When the Turkey had
swallowed the hook； the Politician ran； drawing the creature after
him。
〃Fellow…citizens；〃 he cried； addressing some turkey…breeders whom
he met； 〃you observe that the man does not seek the bird； but the
bird seeks the man。 For this unsolicited and unexpected dinner I
thank you with all my heart。〃
His Fly…Speck Majesty
A DISTINGUISHED Advocate of Republican Institutions was seen
pickling his shins in the ocean。
〃Why don't you come out on dry land？〃 said the Spectator。 〃What
are you in there for？〃
〃Sir；〃 replied the Distinguished Advocate of Republican
Institutions； 〃a ship is expected； bearing His Majesty the King of
the Fly…Speck Islands； and I wish to be the first to grasp the
crowned hand。〃
〃But；〃 said the Spectator； 〃you said in your famous speech before
the Society for the Prevention of the Protrusion of Nail Heads from
Plank Sidewalks that Kings were blood…smeared oppressors and hell…
bound loafers。〃
〃My dear sir；〃 said the Distinguished Advocate of Republican
Institutions； without removing his eyes from the horizon； 〃you
wander away into the strangest irrelevancies！ I spoke of Kings in
the abstract。〃
The Pugilist's Diet
THE Trainer of a Pugilist consulted a Physician regarding the
champion's diet。
〃Beef…steaks are too tender；〃 said the Physician； 〃have his meat
cut from the neck of a bull。〃
〃I thought the steaks more digestible；〃 the Trainer explained。
〃That is very true；〃 said the Physician； 〃but they do not
sufficiently exercise the chin。〃
The Old Man and the Pupil
A BEAUTIFUL Old Man； meeting a Sunday…school Pupil； laid his hand
tenderly upon the lad's head； saying： 〃Listen； my son； to the words
of the wise and heed the advice of the righteous。〃
〃All right；〃 said the Sunday…school Pupil； 〃go ahead。〃
〃Oh； I haven't anything to do with it myself；〃 said the Beautiful
Old Man。 〃I am only observing one of the customs of the age。 I am
a pirate。〃
And when he had taken his hand from the lad's head； the latter
observed that his hair was full of clotted blood。 Then the
Beautiful Old Man went his way； instructing other youth。
The Deceased and his Heirs
A MAN died leaving a large estate and many sorrowful relations who
claimed it。 After some years； when all but one had had judgment
given against them； that one was awarded the estate； which he asked
his Attorney to have appraised。
〃There is nothing to appraise；〃 said the Attorney； pocketing his
last fee。
〃Then；〃 said the Successful Claimant； 〃what good has all this
litigation done me？〃
〃You have been a good client to me；〃 the Attorney replied；
gathering up his books and papers； 〃but I must say you betray a
surprising ignorance of the purpose of litigation。〃
The Politicians and the Plunder
SEVERAL Political Entities were dividing the spoils。
〃I will take the management of the prisons；〃 said a Decent Respect
for Public Opinion； 〃and make a radical change。〃
〃And I；〃 said the Blotted Escutcheon； 〃will retain my present
general connection with affairs； while my friend here； the Soiled
Ermine； will remain in the Judiciary。〃
The Political Pot said it would not boil any more unless
replenished from the Filthy Pool。
The Cohesive Power of Public Plunder quietly remarked that the two
bosses would； he supposed； naturally be his share。
〃No；〃 said the Depth of Degradation； 〃they have already fallen to
me。〃
The Man and the Wart
A PERSON with a Wart on His Nose met a Person Similarly Afflicted；
and said：
〃Let me propose your name for membership in the Imperial Order of
Abnormal Proboscidians； of which I am the High Noble Toby and
Surreptitious Treasurer。 Two months ago I was the only member。
One month ago there were two。 To…day we number four Emperors of
the Abnormal Proboscis in good standing … doubles every four weeks；
see？ That's geometrical progression … you know how that piles up。
In a year and a half every man in California will have a wart on
his Nose。 Powerful Order！ Initiation； five dollars。〃
〃My friend；〃 said the Person Similarly Afflicted； 〃here are five
dollars。 Keep my name off your books。〃
〃Thank you kindly；〃 the Man with a Wart on His Nose replied；
pocketing the money； 〃it is just the same to us as if you joined。
Good…by。〃
He went away； but in a little while he was back。
〃I quite forgot to mention the monthly dues；〃 he said。
The Divided Delegation
A DELEGATION at Washington went to a New President； and said：
〃Your Excellency； we are unable to agree upon a Favourite Son to
represent us in your Cabinet。〃
〃Then；〃 said the New President； 〃I shall have to lock you up until
you do agree。〃
So the Delegation was cast into the deepest dungeon beneath the
moat； where it maintained a divided mind for many weeks； but
finally reconciled its differences and asked to be taken before the
New President。
〃My child；〃 said he； 〃nothing is so beautiful as harmony。 My
Cabinet Selections were all made before our former interview； but
you have supplied a noble instance of patriotism in subordinating
your personal preferences to the general good。 Go now to your
beautiful homes and be happy。〃
It is not recorded that the Delegation was happy。
A Forfeited Right
THE Chief of the Weather Bureau having predicted a fine day； a
Thrifty Person hastened to lay in a large stock of umbrellas； which
he exposed for sale on the sidewalk； but the weather remained
clear； and nobody would buy。 Thereupon the Thrifty Person brought
an action against the Chief of