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THROUGH massacres of each other's citizens China and the United
States had been four times plunged into devastating wars； when； in
the year 1994； arose a Philosopher in Madagascar； who laid before
the Governments of the two distracted countries the following MODUS
VIVENDI：
〃Massacres are to be sternly forbidden as heretofore； but any
citizen or subject of either country disobeying the injunction is
to detach the scalps of all persons massacred and deposit them with
a local officer designated to receive and preserve them and sworn
to keep and render a true account thereof。 At the conclusion of
each massacre in either country； or as soon thereafter as
practicable； or at stated regular periods； as may be provided by
treaty； there shall be an exchange of scalps between the two
Governments； scalp for scalp； without regard to sex or age； the
Government having the greatest number is to be taxed on the excess
at the rate of 1000 a scalp； and the other Government credited
with the amount。 Once in every decade there shall be a general
settlement； when the balance due shall be paid to the creditor
nation in Mexican dollars。〃
The plan was adopted； the necessary treaty made； with legislation
to carry out its provisions； the Madagascarene Philosopher took his
seat in the Temple of Immortality； and Peace spread her white wings
over the two nations； to the unspeakable defiling of her plumage。
The Nightside of Character
A GIFTED and Honourable Editor； who by practice of his profession
had acquired wealth and distinction； applied to an Old Friend for
the hand of his daughter in marriage。
〃With all my heart； and God bless you！〃 said the Old Friend；
grasping him by both hands。 〃It is a greater honour than I had
dared to hope for。〃
〃I knew what your answer would be；〃 replied the Gifted and
Honourable Editor。 〃And yet；〃 he added； with a sly smile； 〃I feel
that I ought to give you as much knowledge of my character as I
possess。 In this scrap…book is such testimony relating to my shady
side； as I have within the past ten years been able to cut from the
columns of my competitors in the business of elevating humanity to
a higher plane of mind and morals … my 'loathsome contemporaries。'〃
Laying the book on a table； he withdrew in high spirits to make
arrangements for the wedding。 Three days later he received the
scrap…book from a messenger； with a note warning him never again to
darken his Old Friend's door。
〃See！〃 the Gifted and Honourable Editor exclaimed； pointing to that
injunction … 〃I am a painter and grainer！〃
And he was led away to the Asylum for the Indiscreet。
The Faithful Cashier
THE Cashier of a bank having defaulted was asked by the Directors
what he had done with the money taken。
〃I am greatly surprised by such a question；〃 said the Cashier； 〃it
sounds as if you suspected me of selfishness。 Gentlemen； I applied
that money to the purpose for which I took it； I paid it as an
initiation fee and one year's dues in advance to the Treasurer of
the Cashiers' Mutual Defence Association。〃
〃What is the object of that organisation？〃 the Directors inquired。
〃When any one of its members is under suspicion；〃 replied the
Cashier； 〃the Association undertakes to clear his character by
submitting evidence that he was never a prominent member of any
church； nor foremost in Sunday…school work。〃
Recognising the value to the bank of a spotless reputation for its
officers； the President drew his check for the amount of the
shortage and the Cashier was restored to favour。
The Circular Clew
A DETECTIVE searching for the murderer of a dead man was accosted
by a Clew。
〃Follow me；〃 said the Clew； 〃and there's no knowing what you may
discover。〃
So the Detective followed the Clew a whole year through a thousand
sinuosities； and at last found himself in the office of the Morgue。
〃There！〃 said the Clew； pointing to the open register。
The Detective eagerly scanned the page； and found an official
statement that the deceased was dead。 Thereupon he hastened to
Police Headquarters to report progress。 The Clew； meanwhile；
sauntered among the busy haunts of men； arm in arm with an
Ingenious Theory。〃
The Devoted Widow
A WIDOW weeping on her husband's grave was approached by an
Engaging Gentleman who； in a respectful manner； assured her that he
had long entertained for her the most tender feelings。
〃Wretch！〃 cried the Widow。 〃Leave me this instant！ Is this a time
to talk to me of love？〃
〃I assure you； madam； that I had not intended to disclose my
affection；〃 the Engaging Gentleman humbly explained； 〃but the power
of your beauty has overcome my discretion。〃
〃You should see me when I have not been crying；〃 said the Widow。
The Hardy Patriots
A DISPENSER…ELECT of Patronage gave notice through the newspapers
that applicants for places would be given none until he should
assume the duties of his office。
〃You are exposing yourself to a grave danger；〃 said a Lawyer。
〃How so？〃 the Dispenser…Elect inquired。
〃It will be nearly two months；〃 the Lawyer answered； 〃before the
day that you mention。 Few patriots can live so long without
eating； and some of the applicants will be compelled to go to work
in the meantime。 If that kills them； you will be liable to
prosecution for murder。〃
〃You underrate their powers of endurance；〃 the official replied。
〃What！〃 said the Lawyer； 〃you think they can stand work？〃
〃No；〃 said the other … 〃hunger。〃
The Humble Peasant
AN Office Seeker whom the President had ordered out of Washington
was watering the homeward highway with his tears。
〃Ah；〃 he said； 〃how disastrous is ambition！ how unsatisfying its
rewards！ how terrible its disappointments！ Behold yonder peasant
tilling his field in peace and contentment！ He rises with the
lark； passes the day in wholesome toil； and lies down at night to
pleasant dreams。 In the mad struggle for place and power he has no
part； the roar of the strife reaches his ear like the distant
murmur of the ocean。 Happy； thrice happy man！ I will approach him
and bask in the sunshine of his humble felicity。 Peasant； all
hail！〃
Leaning upon his rake； the Peasant returned the salutation with a
nod； but said nothing。
〃My friend；〃 said the Office Seeker； 〃you see before you the wreck
of an ambitious man … ruined by th