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vanity fair(名利场)-第177章

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women are working hard; and better than she can; for
twopence a day。  She buys a couple of begilt Bristol
boards at the Fancy Stationer's and paints her very best
upon thema shepherd with a red waistcoat on one; and
a pink face smiling in the midst of a pencil landscape
a shepherdess on the other; crossing a little bridge;
with a little dog; nicely shaded。  The man of the Fancy
Repository and Brompton Emporium of Fine Arts (of
whom she bought the screens; vainly hoping that he
would repurchase them when ornamented by her hand)
can hardly hide the sneer with which he examines these
feeble works of art。  He looks askance at the lady who
waits in the shop; and ties up the cards again in their
envelope of whitey…brown paper; and hands them to the
poor widow and Miss Clapp; who had never seen such
beautiful things in her life; and had been quite
confident that the man must give at least two guineas for
the screens。  They try at other shops in the interior of
London; with faint sickening hopes。  〃Don't want 'em;〃
says one。  〃Be off;〃 says another fiercely。  Three…and…sixpence
has been spent in vainthe screens retire to Miss
Clapp's bedroom; who persists in thinking them lovely。
She writes out a little card in her neatest hand; and
after long thought and labour of composition; in which the
public is informed that 〃A Lady who has some time at
her disposal; wishes to undertake the education of some
little girls; whom she would instruct in English; in French;
in Geography; in History; and in Musicaddress A。  O。;
at Mr。 Brown's〃; and she confides the card to the gentleman
of the Fine Art Repository; who consents to allow
it to lie upon the counter; where it grows dingy and
fly…blown。  Amelia passes the door wistfully many a time;
in hopes that Mr。 Brown will have some news to give
her; but he never beckons her in。  When she goes to
make little purchases; there is no news for her。  Poor
simple lady; tender and weakhow are you to battle
with the struggling violent world?
She grows daily more care…worn and sad; fixing upon
her child alarmed eyes; whereof the little boy cannot
interpret the expression。  She starts up of a night and
peeps into his room stealthily; to see that he is sleeping
and not stolen away。  She sleeps but little now。  A
constant thought and terror is haunting her。  How she
weeps and prays in the long silent nightshow she tries
to hide from herself the thought which will return to her;
that she ought to part with the boy; that she is the only
barrier between him and prosperity。  She can't; she can't。
Not now; at least。  Some other day。  Oh! it is too hard to
think of and to bear。
A thought comes over her which makes her blush and
turn from herselfher parents might keep the annuity
the curate would marry her and give a home to her
and the boy。  But George's picture and dearest memory
are there to rebuke her。  Shame and love say no to the
sacrifice。  She shrinks from it as from something unholy;
and such thoughts never found a resting…place in that
pure and gentle bosom。
The combat; which we describe in a sentence or two;
lasted for many weeks in poor Amelia's heart; during
which she had no confidante; indeed; she could never
have one; as she would not allow to herself the
possibility of yielding; though she was giving way daily
before the enemy with whom she had to battle。  One truth
after another was marshalling itself silently against her
and keeping its ground。  Poverty and misery for all; want
and degradation for her parents; injustice to the boy
one by one the outworks of the little citadel were taken;
in which the poor soul passionately guarded her only
love and treasure。
At the beginning of the struggle; she had written off a
letter of tender supplication to her brother at Calcutta;
imploring him not to withdraw the support which he had
granted to their parents and painting in terms of artless
pathos their lonely and hapless condition。  She did not
know the truth of the matter。  The payment of Jos's
annuity was still regular; but it was a money…lender in the
City who was receiving it:  old Sedley had sold it for a
sum of money wherewith to prosecute his bootless
schemes。  Emmy was calculating eagerly the time that
would elapse before the letter would arrive and be
answered。  She had written down the date in her pocket…
book of the day when she dispatched it。  To her son's
guardian; the good Major at Madras; she had not
communicated any of her griefs and perplexities。  She had
not written to him since she wrote to congratulate him on
his approaching marriage。  She thought with sickening
despondency; that that friendthe only one; the one
who had felt such a regard for herwas fallen away。
One day; when things had come to a very bad pass
when the creditors were pressing; the mother in
hysteric grief; the father in more than usual gloom; the
inmates of the family avoiding each other; each secretly
oppressed with his private unhappiness and notion of
wrongthe father and daughter happened to be left
alone together; and Amelia thought to comfort her father
by telling him what she had done。  She had written to
Josephan answer must come in three or four months。
He was always generous; though careless。  He could not
refuse; when he knew how straitened were the
circumstances of his parents。
Then the poor old gentleman revealed the whole truth
to herthat his son was still paying the annuity; which
his own imprudence had flung away。  He had not dared
to tell it sooner。  He thought Amelia's ghastly and terrified
look; when; with a trembling; miserable voice he made
the confession; conveyed reproaches to him for his
concealment。  〃Ah!〃 said he with quivering lips and turning
away; 〃you despise your old father now!〃
〃Oh; papal it is not that;〃 Amelia cried out; falling
on his neck and kissing him many times。  〃You are
always good and kind。  You did it for the best。  It is not
for the moneyit ismy God! my God! have mercy
upon me; and give me strength to bear this trial〃; and
she kissed him again wildly and went away。
Still the father did not know what that explanation
meant; and the burst of anguish with which the poor
girl left him。  It was that she was conquered。  The sentence
was passed。  The child must go from herto othersto
forget her。  Her heart and her treasureher joy; hope;
love; worshipher God; almost!  She must give him up;
and thenand then she would go to George; and they
would watch over the child and wait for him until he
came to them in Heaven。
She put on her bonnet; scarcely knowing what she did;
and went out to walk in the lanes by which George used
to come back from school; and where she was in the
habit of going on his return to meet the boy。  It was
May; a half…holiday。  The leaves were all coming out;
the weather was brilliant; the boy came running to her
flushed with health; singing; his bundle of school…books
hanging by a thong。  There he was。  Both her arms were
round him。  No; it was impossible。  They could not be
going to part。  〃What is the matter; Mother?〃 said he;
〃you look very pale。〃
〃Nothing; my child;〃 she said and stooped down and
kissed him。
That night Amelia made the bo
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