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rising。 I can just hear it moaning among the ins and outs of the
unfinished cottages at the end of the street。 My nerves must be a
little shaken； I think。 I was startled just now by a shadow on
the wall。 It was only after a moment or two that I mustered sense
enough to notice where the candle was； and to see that the shadow
was my own。
〃Shadows remind me of Midwinter； or； if the shadows don't；
something else does。 I must have another look at his letter； and
then I will positively go to bed。
〃I shall end in getting fond of him。 If I remain much longer in
this lonely uncertain stateso irresolute； so unlike my usual
selfI shall end in getting fond of him。 What madness！ As if _I_
could ever be really fond of a man again！
〃Suppose I took one of my sudden resolutions； and married him。
Poor as he is； he would give me a name and a position if I became
his wife。 Let me see how the namehis own namewould look； if I
really did consent to it for mine。
〃 'Mrs。 Armadale！' Pretty。
〃 'Mrs。 Allan Armadale！' Prettier still。
〃My nerves _must_ be shaken。 Here is my own handwriting startling
me now！ It is so strange； it is enough to startle anybody。 The
similarity in the two names never struck me in this light before。
Marry which of the two I might； my name would； of course； be the
same。 I should have been Mrs。 Armadale； if I had married the
light…haired Allan at the great house。 And I can be Mrs。 Armadale
still； if I marry the dark…haired Allan in London。 It's alm ost
maddening to write it downto feel that something ought to come
of itand to find nothing come。
〃How _can_ anything come of it？ If I did go to London； and marry
him （as of course I must marry him） under his real name； would he
let me be known by it afterward？ With all his reasons for
concealing his real name； he would insistno； he is too fond of
me to do thathe would entreat me to take the name which he has
assumed。 Mrs。 Midwinter。 Hideous！ Ozias； too； when I wanted to
address him familiarly； as his wife should。 Worse than hideous！
〃And yet there would be some reason for humoring him in this if
he asked me。
〃Suppose the brute at the great house happened to leave this
neighborhood as a single man； and suppose； in his absence； any of
the people who know him heard of a Mrs。 Allan Armadale； they
would set her down at once as his wife。 Even if they actually saw
meif I actually came among them with that name； and if he was
not present to contradict ithis own servants would be the first
to say； 'We knew she would marry him； after all！' And my
lady…patronesses； who will be ready to believe anything of me now
we have quarreled； would join the chorus _sotto voce：_ 'Only
think； my dear； the report that so shocked us actually turns out
to be true！' No。 If I marry Midwinter； I must either be
perpetually putting my husband and myself in a false positionor
I must leave his real name； his pretty； romantic name； behind me
at the church door。
〃My husband！ As if I was really going to marry him！ I am _not_
going to marry him； and there's an end of it。
〃Half…past ten。Oh； dear！ oh； dear！ how my temples throb； and
how hot my weary eyes feel！ There is the moon looking at me
through the window。 How fast the little scattered clouds are
flying before the wind！ Now they let the moon in； and now they
shut the moon out。 What strange shapes the patches of yellow
light take； and lose again； all in a moment！ No peace and quiet
for me； look where I may。 The candle keeps flickering； and the
very sky itself is restless to…night。
〃 'To bed！ to bed！' as Lady Macbeth says。 I wonder； by…the…by；
what Lady Macbeth would have done in my position？ She would have
killed somebody when her difficulties first began。 Probably
Armadale。
〃Friday morning。A night's rest； thanks again to my Drops。 I
went to breakfast in better spirits； and received a morning
welcome in the shape of a letter from Mrs。 Oldershaw。
〃My silence has produced its effect on Mother Jezebel。 She
attributes it to the right cause； and she shows her claws at
last。 If I am not in a position to pay my note of hand for thirty
pounds； which is due on Tuesday next； her lawyer is instructed to
'take the usual course。' _If_ I am not in a position to pay it！
Why； when I have settled to…day with my landlord； I shall have
barely five pounds left！ There is not the shadow of a prospect
between now and Tuesday of my earning any money； and I don't
possess a friend in this place who would trust me with sixpence。
The difficulties that are swarming round me wanted but one more
to complete them； and that one has come。
〃Midwinter would assist me； of course； if I could bring myself to
ask him for assistance。 But _that_ means marrying him。 Am I
really desperate enough and helpless enough to end it in that
way？ No； not yet。
〃My head feels heavy； I must get out into the fresh air； and
think about it。
〃Two o'clock。I believe I have caught the infection of
Midwinter's superstition。 I begin to think that events are
forcing me nearer and nearer to some end which I don't see yet；
but which I am firmly persuaded is now not far off。
〃I have been insulteddeliberately insulted before witnessesby
Miss Milroy。
〃After walking； as usual； in the most unfrequented place I could
pick out； and after trying； not very successfully； to think to
some good purpose of what I am to do next； I remembered that I
needed some note…paper and pens； and went back to the town to the
stationer's shop。 It might have been wiser to have sent for what
I wanted。 But I was weary of myself； and weary of my lonely
rooms； and I did my own errand； for no better reason than that it
was something to do。
〃I had just got into the shop； and was asking for what I wanted；
when another customer came in。 We both looked up； and recognized
each other at the same moment： Miss Milroy。
〃A woman and a lad were behind the counter； besides the man who
was serving me。 The woman civilly addressed the new customer。
'What can we have the pleasure of doing for you； miss？' After
pointing it first by looking me straight in the face； she
answered； 'Nothing； thank you； at present。 I'll come back when
the shop is empty。'
〃She went out。 The three people in the shop looked at me in
silence。 In silence； on my side； I paid for my purchases； and
left the place。 I don't know how I might have felt if I had been
in my usual spirits。 In the anxious； unsettled state I am in now；
I can't deny it； the girl stung me。
〃In the weakness of the moment （for it was nothing else）； I was
on the point of matching her petty spitefulness by spitefulness
quite as petty on my side。 I had actually got as far as the whole
length of the street on my way to the major's cottage； bent on
telling him the secret of his daughter's morning walks； before my
better sense came back to me。 When I did cool down； I turned
round at once； and took the way home。 No； no； Miss Milroy； mere
temporary mischief…making at the cottage； which would only end in
your father forgiving you； and in Armadale profiting by his
indulgence； will nothing like pay the debt I owe you。 I don't
forget that your heart is set on Armadale； and that the major；