按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
〃That is my secret。〃
〃Mind you are not caught 。 。 。 six paces； you know！〃
〃Doctor； I shall expect you to…morrow at four o'clock。 The horses will be ready 。 。 。 Good… bye。〃
I remained in the house until the evening； with my door locked。 A manservant came to invite me to Princess Ligovski's I bade him say that I was ill。
。 。 。 。 。
Two o'clock in the morning。 。 。 I cannot sleep。 。 。 Yet sleep is what I need； if I am to have a steady hand to…morrow。 However； at six paces it is difficult to miss。 Aha！ Mr。 Grushnit… ski； your wiles will not succeed！ 。 。 。 We shall exchange roles： now it is I who shall have to seek the signs of latent terror upon your pallid countenance。 Why have you yourself appointed these fatal six paces？ Think you that I will tamely expose my forehead to your aim？ 。 。 。
No； we shall cast lots。 。 。 And then then what if his luck should prevail？ If my star at length should betray me？ 。 。 。 And little wonder if it did： it has so long and faithfully served my caprices。
Well？ If I must die； I must！ The loss to the world will not be great； and I myself am already downright weary of everything。 I am like a guest at a ball； who yawns but does not go home to bed； simply because his carriage has not come for him。 But now the carriage is here。 。 。 Good…bye！ 。 。 。
My whole past life I live again in memory； and； involuntarily； I ask myself： 'why have I lived for what purpose was I born？' 。 。 。 A purpose there must have been； and； surely； mine was an exalted destiny； because I feel that within my soul are powers immeasurable。 。 。 But I was not able to discover that destiny； I allowed myself to be carried away by the allurements of passions； inane and ignoble。 From their crucible I issued hard and cold as iron； but gone for ever was the glow of noble aspirations the fairest flower of life。 And； from that time forth； how often have I not played the part of an axe in the hands of fate！ Like an implement of punishment； I have fallen upon the head of doomed victims； often without malice； always without pity。 。 。 To none has my love brought happiness； because I have never sacrificed anything for the sake of those I have loved： for myself alone I have loved for my own pleasure。 I have only satisfied the strange craving of my heart； greedily draining their feelings； their tenderness； their joys； their sufferings and I have never been able to sate myself。 I am like one who； spent with hunger； falls asleep in exhaustion and sees before him sumptuous viands and sparkling wines； he de… vours with rapture the aerial gifts of the imagina… tion； and his pains seem somewhat assuaged。 Let him but awake： the vision vanishes twofold hunger and despair remain！
And to…morrow； it may be； I shall die！ 。 。 。 And there will not be left on earth one being who has understood me completely。 Some will con… sider me worse； others； better； than I have been in reality。 。 。 Some will say： 'he was a good fellow'； others： 'a villain。' And both epithets will be false。 After all this； is life worth the trouble？ And yet we live out of curiosity！ We expect something new。 。 。 How absurd； and yet how vexatious！
CHAPTER XIX
IT is now a month and a half since I have been in the N Fortress。
Maksim Maksimych is out hunting。 。 。 I am alone。 I am sitting by the window。 Grey clouds have covered the mountains to the foot； the sun appears through the mist as a yellow spot。 It is cold； the wind is whistling and rocking the shutters。 。 。 I am bored！ 。 。 。 I will continue my diary which has been interrupted by so many strange events。
I read the last page over： how ridiculous it seems！ 。 。 。 I thought to die； it was not to be。 I have not yet drained the cup of suffering； and now I feel that I still have long to live。
How clearly and how sharply have all these bygone events been stamped upon my memory！ Time has not effaced a single line； a single shade。
I remember that during the night preceding the duel I did not sleep a single moment。 I was not able to write for long： a secret uneasiness took possession of me。 For about an hour I paced the room； then I sat down and opened a novel by Walter Scott which was lying on my table。 It was 〃The Scottish Puritans。〃＇1＇ At first I read with an effort； then； carried away by the magical fiction； I became oblivious of every… thing else。
＇1＇ None of the Waverley novels； of course； bears this title。 The novel referred to is doubtless 〃Old Mortality；〃 on which Bellini's opera； 〃I Puritani di Scozia；〃 is founded。
At last day broke。 My nerves became com… posed。 I looked in the glass： a dull pallor covered my face； which preserved the traces of harassing sleeplessness； but my eyes； although encircled by a brownish shadow； glittered proudly and inexorably。 I was satisfied with myself。
I ordered the horses to be saddled； dressed my… self； and ran down to the baths。 Plunging into the cold； sparkling water of the Narzan Spring； I felt my bodily and mental powers returning。 I left the baths as fresh and hearty as if I was off to a ball。 After that； who shall say that the soul is not dependent upon the body！ 。 。 。
On my return； I found the doctor at my rooms。 He was wearing grey riding…breeches； a jacket and a Circassian cap。 I burst out laughing when I saw that little figure under the enormous shaggy cap。 Werner has a by no means warlike counte… nance； and on that occasion it was even longer than usual。
〃Why so sad； doctor？〃 I said to him。 〃Have you not a hundred times； with the greatest indifference； escorted people to the other world？ Imagine that I have a bilious fever： I may get well； also； I may die； both are in the usual course of things。 Try to look on me as a patient； afflicted with an illness with which you are still unfamiliar and then your curiosity will be aroused in the highest degree。 You can now make a few important physiological observations upon me。 。 。 Is not the expectation of a violent death itself a real illness？〃
The doctor was struck by that idea； and he brightened up。
We mounted our horses。 Werner clung on to his bridle with both hands； and we set off。 In a trice we had galloped past the fortress； through the village； and had ridden into the gorge。 Our winding road was half…overgrown with tall grass and was intersected every moment by a noisy brook； which we had to ford； to the great despair of the doctor； because each time his horse would stop in the water。
A morning more fresh and blue I cannot remember！ The sun had scarce shown his face from behind the green summits； and the blending of the first warmth of his rays with the dying coolness of the night produced on all my feelings a sort of sweet languor。 The joyous beam of the young day had not yet penetrated the gorge； it gilded only the tops of the cliffs which overhung us on both sides。 The tufted shrubs； growing in the deep crevices of the cliffs； besprinkled us with a silver shower at the least breath of wind。 I remember that on that occasion I loved Nature more than ever before。 With what curiosity did I examine every dewdrop trembling upon the broad vine leaf and reflecting millions of rainbow…