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barren draw。 He rubbed his nose and feebly suggested that I might
go in for 〃research work；〃 which； of course； only represented his
own ambitions。 I asked him indignantly how I could do such a
thing without any scientific qualifications whatever。 He admitted
the difficulty； but replied that I might endow others who had the
qualifications。
〃In short； become a much cow for sucking scientists；〃 I
replied； and broke off the conversation。
Bastin's idea was； first； that I should teach in a Sunday
School； secondly； that if this career did not satisfy all my
aspirations； I might be ordained and become a missionary。
On my rejection of this brilliant advice； he remarked that the
only other thing he could think of was that I should get married
and have a large family； which might possibly advantage the
nation and ultimately enrich the Kingdom of Heaven； though of
such things no one could be quite sure。 At any rate； he was
certain that at present I was in practice neglecting my duty；
whatever it might be； and in fact one of those cumberers of the
earth who； he observed in the newspaper he took in and read when
he had time； were 〃very happily namedthe idle rich。〃
〃Which reminds me；〃 he added； 〃that the clothing…club finances
are in a perfectly scandalous condition； in fact； it is ？5 in
debt； an amount that as the squire of the parish I consider it
incumbent on you to make good； not as a charity but as an
obligation。〃
〃Look here； my friend；〃 I said； ignoring all the rest； 〃will
you answer me a plain question？ Have you found marriage such a
success that you consider it your duty to recommend it to others？
And if you have； why have you not got the large family of which
you speak？〃
〃Of course not；〃 he replied with his usual frankness。 〃Indeed；
it is in many ways so disagreeable that I am convinced it must be
right and for the good of all concerned。 As regards the family I
am sure I do not know； but Sarah never liked babies； which
perhaps has something to do with it。〃
Then he sighed； adding； 〃You see； Arbuthnot； we have to take
things as we find them in this world and hope for a better。〃
〃Which is just what I am trying to do； you unilluminating old
donkey！〃 I exclaimed； and left him there shaking his head over
matters in general； but I think principally over Sarah。
By the way； I think that the villagers recognised this good
lady's vinegary nature。 At least； they used to call her 〃Sour
Sal。〃
Chapter III
Natalie
Now what Bastin had said about marriage stuck in my mind as his
blundering remarks had a way of doing； perhaps because of the
grain of honest truth with which they were often permeated。
Probably in my position it was more or less my duty to marry。 But
here came the rub； I had never experienced any leanings that way。
I was as much a man as others； more so than many are； perhaps；
and I liked women； but at the same time they repelled me。
My old fastidiousness came in； to my taste there was always
something wrong about them。 While they attracted one part of my
nature they revolted another part； and on the whole I preferred
to do without their intimate society； rather than work violence
to this second and higher part of me。 Moreover； quite at the
beginning of my career I had concluded from observation that a
man gets on better in life alone； rather than with another to
drag at his side； or by whom perhaps he must be dragged。 Still
true marriage； such as most men and some women have dreamed of in
their youth； had always been one of my ideals； indeed it was on
and around this vision that I wrote that first book of mine which
was so successful。 Since I knew this to be unattainable in our
imperfect conditions； however； notwithstanding Bastin's
strictures； again I dismissed the whole matter from my mind as a
vain imagination。
As an alternative I reflected upon a parliamentary career which
I was not too old to begin； and even toyed with one or two
opportunities that offered themselves； as these do to men of
wealth and advanced views。 They never came to anything； for in
the end I decided that Party politics were so hateful and so
dishonest； that I could not bring myself to put my neck beneath
their yoke。 I was sure that if I tried to do so； I should fail
more completely than I had done at the Bar and in Literature。
Here； too； I am quite certain that I was right。
The upshot of it all was that I sought refuge in that last
expedient of weary Englishmen； travel； not as a globe…trotter；
but leisurely and with an inquiring mind； learning much but again
finding； like the ancient writer whom I have quoted already； that
there is no new thing under the sun； that with certain variations
it is the same thing over and over again。
No； I will make an exception； the East did interest me
enormously。 There it was； at Benares； that I came into touch with
certain thinkers who opened my eyes to a great deal。 They
released some hidden spring in my nature which hitherto had
always been striving to break through the crust of our
conventions and inherited ideas。 I know now that what I was
seeking was nothing less than the Infinite； that I had 〃immortal
longings in me。〃 I listened to all their solemn talk of epochs
and years measureless to man； and reflected with a thrill that
after all man might have his part in every one of them。 Yes； that
bird of passage as he seemed to be； flying out of darkness into
darkness； still he might have spread his wings in the light of
other suns millions upon millions of years ago； and might still
spread them； grown radiant and glorious； millions upon millions
of years hence in a time unborn。
If only I could know the truth。 Was Life （according to Bickley）
merely a short activity bounded by nothingness before and behind；
or （according to Bastin） a conventional golden…harped and haloed
immortality； a word of which he did not in the least understand
the meaning？
Or was it something quite different from either of these；
something vast and splendid beyond the reach of vision；
something God…sent； beginning and ending in the Eternal Absolute
and at last partaking of His attributes and nature and from aeon
to aeon shot through with His light？ And how was the truth to be
learned？ I asked my Eastern friends； and they talked vaguely of
long ascetic preparation； of years upon years of learning； from
whom I could not quite discover。 I was sure it could not be from
them； because clearly they did not know； they only passed on what
they had heard elsewhere； when or how they either could not or
would not explain。 So at length I gave it up； having satisfied
myself that all this was but an effort of Oriental imagination
called into life by the sweet influences of the Eastern stars。
I gave it up and went away； thinking that I should forget。 But
I did not forget。 I was quick with a new hope； or at any rate
with a new aspiration； and tha