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abilities； I should never stop。 It would take a book to describe
them。 And yet mark this； with them all his name is as dead to the
world to…day as though he had never been。 Light reflected from a
hundred facets dissipates itself in space and is lost； that
concentrated in one tremendous ray pierces to the stars。
Now I am going to be frank about myself； for without frankness
what is the value of such a record as this？ Then it becomes
simply another convention； or rather conventional method of
expressing the octoroon kind of truths with which the highly
civilised races feed themselves； as fastidious ladies eat cakes
and bread from which all but the smallest particle of nourishment
has been extracted。
The fact is； therefore； that I inherited most of my father's
abilities； except his love for flint instruments which always
bored me to distraction； because although they are by association
really the most human of things； somehow to me they never convey
any idea of humanity。 In addition I have a practical side which
he lacked； had he possessed it surely he must have become an
archbishop instead of dying the vicar of an unknown parish。 Also
I have a spiritual sense； mayhap mystical would be a better term；
which with all this religion was missing from my father's nature。
For I think that notwithstanding his charity and devotion he
never quite got away from the shell of things； never cracked it
and set his teeth in the kernel which alone can feed our souls。
His keen intellect； to take an example； recognised every one of
the difficulties of our faith and flashed hither and thither in
the darkness； seeking explanation； seeking light； trying to
reconcile； to explain。 He was not great enough to put all this
aside and go straight to the informing Soul beneath that strives
to express itself everywhere； even through those husks which are
called the World； the Flesh and the Devil； and as yet does not
always quite succeed。
It is this boggling over exteriors； this peering into pitfalls；
this desire to prove that what such senses as we have tell us is
impossible； is in fact possible； which causes the overthrow of
many an earnest； seeking heart and renders its work； conducted on
false lines； quite nugatory。 These will trust to themselves and
their own intelligence and not be content to spring from the
cliffs of human experience into the everlasting arms of that
Infinite which are stretched out to receive them and to give them
rest and the keys of knowledge。 When will man learn what was
taught to him of old； that faith is the only plank wherewith he
can float upon this sea and that his miserable works avail him
nothing； also that it is a plank made of many sorts of wood；
perhaps to suit our different weights？
So to be honest； in a sense I believe myself to be my father's
superior； and I know that he agreed with me。 Perhaps this is
owing to the blood of my Scotch mother which mixed well with his
own； perhaps because the essential spirit given to me； though
cast in his mould； was in fact quite differentor of another
alloy。 Do we； I wonder； really understand that there are millions
and billions of these alloys； so many indeed that Nature； or
whatever is behind Nature； never uses the same twice over？ That
is why no two human beings are or ever will be quite identical。
Their flesh； the body of their humiliation； is identical in all；
any chemist will prove it to you； but that which animates the
flesh is distinct and different because it comes from the home of
that infinite variety which is necessary to the ultimate
evolution of the good and bad that we symbolise as heaven and
hell。
Further； I had and to a certain extent still have another
advantage over my father； which certainly came to me from my
mother； who was； as I judge from all descriptions and such
likenesses as remain of her； an extremely handsome woman。 I was
born much better looking。 He was small and dark； a little man
with deep…set eyes and beetling brows。 I am also dark； but tall
above the average； and well made。 I do not know that I need say
more about my personal appearance； to me not a very attractive
subject； but the fact remains that they called me 〃handsome
Humphrey〃 at the University； and I was the captain of my college
boat and won many prizes at athletic sports when I had time to
train for them。
Until I went up to Oxford my father educated me； partly because
he knew that he could do it better than anyone else； and partly
to save school expenses。 The experiment was very successful； as my
love of all outdoor sports and of any small hazardous adventure
that came to my hand； also of associating with fisherfolk whom
the dangers of the deep make men among men； saved me from
becoming a milksop。 For the rest I learned more from my father；
whom I always desired to please because I loved him； than I
should have done at the best and most costly of schools。 This was
shown when at last I went to college with a scholarship； for
there I did very well indeed； as search would still reveal。
Here I had better set out some of my shortcomings； which in
their sum have made a failure of me。 Yes； a failure in the
highest sense； though I trust what Stevenson calls 〃a faithful
failure。〃 These have their root in fastidiousness and that lack
of perseverance； which really means a lack of faith； again using
the word in its higher and wider sense。 For if one had real faith
one would always persevere； knowing that in every work undertaken
with high aim； there is an element of nobility； however humble
and unrecognised that work may seem to be。 God after all is the
God of Work； it is written large upon the face of the Universe。 I
will not expand upon the thought； it would lead me too far
afield； but those who have understanding will know what I mean。
As regards what I interpret as fastidiousness； this is not very
easy to express。 Perhaps a definition will help。 I am like a man
with an over…developed sense of smell； who when walking through a
foreign city； however clean and well kept； can always catch the
evil savours that are inseparable from such cities。 More； his
keen perception of them interferes with all other perceptions and
spoils his walks。 The result is that in after years； whenever he
thinks of that beautiful city； he remembers； not its historic
buildings or its wide boulevards； or whatever it has to boast；
but rather its ancient； fish…like smell。 At least he remembers
that first owing to this defect in his temperament。
So it is with everything。 A lovely woman is spoiled for such a
one because she eats too much or has too high a voice； he does
not care for his shooting because the scenery is flat； or for his
fishing because the gnats bite as well as the trout。 In short he
is out of tune with the world as it is。 Moreover； this is a
quality which； where it exists； cannot be overcome； it affects
day…labourers as well as gentlemen at large。 It i