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and the magazine； and I became so worn out as a result
especially of my mental confusion and so hard was my struggle as
Arbiter； so obscure the results of my activity in the schools； so
repulsive my shuffling in the magazine （which always amounted to
one and the same thing： a desire to teach everybody and to hide
the fact that I did not know what to teach）； that I fell ill；
mentally rather than physically； threw up everything； and went away
to the Bashkirs in the steppes； to breathe fresh air； drink kumys
＇Footnote： A fermented drink prepared from mare's milk。A。 M。＇；
and live a merely animal life。
Returning from there I married。 The new conditions of happy
family life completely diverted me from all search for the general
meaning of life。 My whole life was centred at that time in my
family； wife and children； and therefore in care to increase our
means of livelihood。 My striving after self…perfection； for which
I had already substituted a striving for perfection in general；
i。e。 progress； was now again replaced by the effort simply to
secure the best possible conditions for myself and my family。
So another fifteen years passed。
In spite of the fact that I now regarded authorship as of no
importance the temptation of immense monetary rewards and
applause for my insignificant work and I devoted myself to it as
a means of improving my material position and of stifling in my
soul all questions as to the meaning of my own life or life in
general。
I wrote： teaching what was for me the only truth； namely；
that one should live so as to have the best for oneself and one's
family。
So I lived； but five years ago something very strange began to
happen to me。 At first I experienced moments of perplexity and
arrest of life； and though I did not know what to do or how to
live； and I felt lost and became dejected。 But this passed and I
went on living as before。 Then these moments of perplexity began
to recur oftener and oftener； and always in the same form。 They
were always expressed by the questions： What is it for？ What does
it lead to？
At first it seemed to me that these were aimless and
irrelevant questions。 I thought that it was all well known； and
that if I should ever wish to deal with the solution it would not
cost me much effort； just at present I had no time for it； but when
I wanted to I should be able to find the answer。 The questions
however began to repeat themselves frequently； and to demand
replies more and more insistently； and like drops of ink always
falling on one place they ran together into one black blot。
Then occurred what happens to everyone sickening with a mortal
internal disease。 At first trivial signs of indisposition appear
to which the sick man pays no attention； then these signs reappear
more and more often and merge into one uninterrupted period of
suffering。 The suffering increases； and before the sick man can
look round； what he took for a mere indisposition has already
become more important to him than anything else in the world it
is death！
That is what happened to me。 I understood that it was no
casual indisposition but something very important； and that if
these questions constantly repeated themselves they would have to
be answered。 And I tried to answer them。 The questions seemed
such stupid； simple； childish ones； but as soon as I touched them
and tried to solve them I at once became convinced； first； that
they are not childish and stupid but the most important and
profound of life's questions； and secondly that； occupying myself
with my Samara estate； the education of my son； or the writing of
a book； I had to know *why* I was doing it。 As long as I did not
know why； I could do nothing and could not live。 Amid the thoughts
of estate management which greatly occupied me at that time； the
question would suddenly occur： 〃Well； you will have 6；000
desyatinas ＇Footnote： The desyatina is about 2。75 acres。A。M。＇ of
land in Samara Government and 300 horses； and what then？〃 。。。 And
I was quite disconcerted and did not know what to think。 Or when
considering plans for the education of my children； I would say to
myself： 〃What for？〃 Or when considering how the peasants might
become prosperous； I would suddenly say to myself： 〃But what does
it matter to me？〃 Or when thinking of the fame my works would
bring me； I would say to myself； 〃Very well； you will be more
famous than Gogol or Pushkin or Shakespeare or Moliere； or than all
the writers in the world and what of it？〃 And I could find no
reply at all。 The questions would not wait； they had to be
answered at once； and if I did not answer them it was impossible to
live。 But there was no answer。
I felt that what I had been standing on had collapsed and that
I had nothing left under my feet。 What I had lived on no longer
existed； and there was nothing left。
IV
My life came to a standstill。 I could breathe； eat； drink；
and sleep； and I could not help doing these things； but there was
no life； for there were no wishes the fulfillment of which I could
consider reasonable。 If I desired anything； I knew in advance that
whether I satisfied my desire or not； nothing would come of it。
Had a fairy come and offered to fulfil my desires I should not have
know what to ask。 If in moments of intoxication I felt something
which； though not a wish； was a habit left by former wishes； in
sober moments I knew this to be a delusion and that there was
really nothing to wish for。 I could not even wish to know the
truth； for I guessed of what it consisted。 The truth was that life
is meaningless。 I had as it were lived； lived； and walked； walked；
till I had come to a precipice and saw clearly that there was
nothing ahead of me but destruction。 It was impossible to stop；
impossible to go back； and impossible to close my eyes or avoid
seeing that there was nothing ahead but suffering and real death
complete annihilation。
It had come to this； that I； a healthy； fortunate man； felt I
could no longer live： some irresistible power impelled me to rid
myself one way or other of life。 I cannot say I *wished* to kill
myself。 The power which drew me away from life was stronger；
fuller； and more widespread than any mere wish。 It was a force
similar to the former striving to live； only in a contrary
direction。 All my strength drew me away from life。 The thought of
self…destruction now came to me as naturally as thoughts of how to
improve my life had come formerly。 and it was seductive that I had
to be cunning with myself lest I should carry it out too hastily。
I did not wish to hurry； because I wanted to use all efforts to
disentangle the matter。 〃If I cannot unravel matters； there will
always be time。〃 and it was then that I； a man favoured by
fortune； hid a cord from myself lest I should hang myself from the
crosspiece of