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the mind have as yet been acquired。
I saw that this was the worthiest way of escape and I wished
to adopt it。
The fourth way out is that of weakness。 It consists in seeing
the truth of the situation and yet clinging to life； knowing in
advance that nothing can come of it。 People of this kind know that
death is better than life； but not having the strength to act
rationally to end the deception quickly and kill themselves
they seem to wait for something。 This is the escape of weakness；
for if I know what is best and it is within my power； why not yield
to what is best？ 。。。 I found myself in that category。
So people of my class evade the terrible contradiction in four
ways。 Strain my attention as I would； I saw no way except those
four。 One way was not to understand that life is senseless；
vanity； and an evil； and that it is better not to live。 I could
not help knowing this； and when I once knew it could not shut my
eyes to it。 the second way was to use life such as it is without
thinking of the future。 And I could not do that。 I； like Sakya
Muni； could not ride out hunting when I knew that old age；
suffering； and death exist。 My imagination was too vivid。 Nor
could I rejoice in the momentary accidents that for an instant
threw pleasure to my lot。 The third way； having under stood that
life is evil and stupid； was to end it by killing oneself。 I
understood that； but somehow still did not kill myself。 The fourth
way was to live like Solomon and Schopenhauer knowing that life
is a stupid joke played upon us； and still to go on living； washing
oneself； dressing； dining； talking； and even writing books。 This
was to me repulsive and tormenting； but I remained in that
position。
I see now that if I did not kill myself it was due to some dim
consciousness of the invalidity of my thoughts。 However convincing
and indubitable appeared to me the sequence of my thoughts and of
those of the wise that have brought us to the admission of the
senselessness of life； there remained in me a vague doubt of the
justice of my conclusion。
It was like this： I； my reason； have acknowledged that life
is senseless。 If there is nothing higher than reason （and there is
not： nothing can prove that there is）； then reason is the creator
of life for me。 If reason did not exist there would be for me no
life。 How can reason deny life when it is the creator of life？ Or
to put it the other way： were there no life； my reason would not
exist； therefore reason is life's son。 Life is all。 Reason is its
fruit yet reason rejects life itself！ I felt that there was
something wrong here。
Life is a senseless evil； that is certain； said I to myself。
Yet I have lived and am still living； and all mankind lived and
lives。 How is that？ Why does it live； when it is possible not to
live？ Is it that only I and Schopenhauer are wise enough to
understand the senselessness and evil of life？
The reasoning showing the vanity of life is not so difficult；
and has long been familiar to the very simplest folk； yet they have
lived and still live。 How is it they all live and never think of
doubting the reasonableness of life？
My knowledge； confirmed by the wisdom of the sages； has shown
me that everything on earth organic and inorganic is all most
cleverly arranged only my own position is stupid。 and those
fools the enormous masses of people know nothing about how
everything organic and inorganic in the world is arranged； but they
live； and it seems to them that their life is very wisely arranged！
。。。
And it struck me： 〃But what if there is something I do not
yet know？ Ignorance behaves just in that way。 Ignorance always
says just what I am saying。 When it does not know something； it
says that what it does not know is stupid。 Indeed； it appears that
there is a whole humanity that lived and lives as if it understood
the meaning of its life； for without understanding it could not
live； but I say that all this life is senseless and that I cannot
live。
〃Nothing prevents our denying life by suicide。 well then；
kill yourself； and you won't discuss。 If life displeases you； kill
yourself！ You live； and cannot understand the meaning of life
then finish it； and do not fool about in life； saying and writing
that you do not understand it。 You have come into good company
where people are contented and know what they are doing； if you
find it dull and repulsive go away！〃
Indeed； what are we who are convinced of the necessity of
suicide yet do not decide to commit it； but the weakest； most
inconsistent； and to put it plainly； the stupidest of men； fussing
about with our own stupidity as a fool fusses about with a painted
hussy？ For our wisdom； however indubitable it may be； has not
given us the knowledge of the meaning of our life。 But all mankind
who sustain life millions of them do not doubt the meaning of
life。
Indeed； from the most distant time of which I know anything；
when life began； people have lived knowing the argument about the
vanity of life which has shown me its senselessness； and yet they
lived attributing some meaning to it。
From the time when any life began among men they had that
meaning of life； and they led that life which has descended to me。
All that is in me and around me； all； corporeal and incorporeal； is
the fruit of their knowledge of life。 Those very instruments of
thought with which I consider this life and condemn it were all
devised not be me but by them。 I myself was born； taught； and
brought up thanks to them。 They dug out the iron； taught us to cut
down the forests； tamed the cows and horses； taught us to sow corn
and to live together； organized our life； and taught me to think
and speak。 And I； their product； fed； supplied with drink； taught
by them； thinking with their thoughts and words； have argued that
they are an absurdity！ 〃There is something wrong；〃 said I to
myself。 〃I have blundered somewhere。〃 But it was a long time
before I could find out where the mistake was。
VIII
All these doubts； which I am now able to express more or less
systematically； I could not then have expressed。 I then only felt
that however logically inevitable were my conclusions concerning
the vanity of life； confirmed as they were by the greatest
thinkers； there was something not right about them。 Whether it was
in the reasoning itself or in the statement of the question I did
not know I only felt that the conclusion was rationally
convincing； but that that was insufficient。 All these conclusions
could not so convince me as to make me do what followed from my
reasoning； that is to say； kill myself。 And I should have told an
untruth had I； without killing myself； said that reason had brought
me to the point I had reached。 Reason worked； but something else
was also working which I can onl