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doen’t know as I can understand。’
In the midst of the silence of death； I read thus； from a blotted
letter：
‘“When you； who love me so much better than I ever
have deserved； even when my mind was innocent； see
this； I shall be far away。”’
‘I shall be fur away；’ he repeated slowly。 ‘Stop！ Em’ly fur away。
Well！’
‘“When I leave my dear home—my dear home—oh； my
dear home！—in the morning；”’
the letter bore date on the previous night：
‘“—it will be never to come back； unless he brings me
back a lady。 This will be found at night； many hours
after； instead of me。 Oh； if you knew how my heart is
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David Copperfield
torn。 If even you； that I have wronged so much； that
never can forgive me； could only know what I suffer！ I
am too wicked to write about myself！ Oh； take comfort
in thinking that I am so bad。 Oh； for mercy’s sake； tell
uncle that I never loved him half so dear as now。 Oh；
don’t remember how affectionate and kind you have all
been to me—don’t remember we were ever to be
married—but try to think as if I died when I was little；
and was buried somewhere。 Pray Heaven that I am
going away from； have compassion on my uncle！ Tell
him that I never loved him half so dear。 Be his comfort。
Love some good girl that will be what I was once to
uncle； and be true to you； and worthy of you； and know
no shame but me。 God bless all！ I’ll pray for all； often；
on my knees。 If he don’t bring me back a lady； and I
don’t pray for my own self； I’ll pray for all。 My parting
love to uncle。 My last tears； and my last thanks； for
uncle！”’
That was all。
He stood； long after I had ceased to read； still looking at me。 At
length I ventured to take his hand； and to entreat him； as well as I
could； to endeavour to get some command of himself。 He replied；
‘I thankee； sir； I thankee！’ without moving。
Ham spoke to him。 Mr。 Peggotty was so far sensible of his
affliction； that he wrung his hand； but； otherwise； he remained in
the same state； and no one dared to disturb him。
Slowly； at last； he moved his eyes from my face； as if he were
waking from a vision； and cast them round the room。 Then he
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David Copperfield
said； in a low voice：
‘Who’s the man？ I want to know his name。’
Ham glanced at me； and suddenly I felt a shock that struck me
back。
‘There’s a man suspected；’ said Mr。 Peggotty。 ‘Who is it？’
‘Mas’r Davy！’ implored Ham。 ‘Go out a bit； and let me tell him
what I must。 You doen’t ought to hear it； sir。’
I felt the shock again。 I sank down in a chair； and tried to utter
some reply； but my tongue was fettered； and my sight was weak。
‘I want to know his name！’ I heard said once more。
‘For some time past；’ Ham faltered； ‘there’s been a servant
about here； at odd times。 There’s been a gen’lm’n too。 Both of ’em
belonged to one another。’
Mr。 Peggotty stood fixed as before； but now looking at him。
‘The servant；’ pursued Ham； ‘was seen along with—our poor
girl—last night。 He’s been in hiding about here； this week or over。
He was thought to have gone； but he was hiding。 Doen’t stay；
Mas’r Davy； doen’t！’
I felt Peggotty’s arm round my neck； but I could not have
moved if the house had been about to fall upon me。
‘A strange chay and hosses was outside town； this morning； on
the Norwich road； a’most afore the day broke；’ Ham went on。 ‘The
servant went to it； and come from it； and went to it again。 When he
went to it again； Em’ly was nigh him。 The t’other was inside。 He’s
the man。’
‘For the Lord’s love；’ said Mr。 Peggotty； falling back； and
putting out his hand； as if to keep off what he dreaded。 ‘Doen’t tell
me his name’s Steerforth！’
‘Mas’r Davy；’ exclaimed Ham； in a broken voice； ‘it ain’t no fault
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David Copperfield
of yourn—and I am far from laying of it to you—but his name is
Steerforth； and he’s a damned villain！’
Mr。 Peggotty uttered no cry； and shed no tear； and moved no
more； until he seemed to wake again； all at once； and pulled down
his rough coat from its peg in a corner。
‘Bear a hand with this！ I’m struck of a heap； and can’t do it；’ he
said； impatiently。 ‘Bear a hand and help me。 Well！’ when
somebody had done so。 ‘Now give me that theer hat！’
Ham asked him whither he was going。
‘I’m a going to seek my niece。 I’m a going to seek my Em’ly。 I’m
a going； first； to stave in that theer boat； and sink it where I would
have drownded him； as I’m a living soul； if I had had one thought
of what was in him！ As he sat afore me；’ he said； wildly； holding
out his clenched right hand； ‘as he sat afore me； face to face； strike
me down dead； but I’d have drownded him； and thought it right！—
I’m a going to seek my niece。’
‘Where？’ cried Ham； interposing himself before the door。
‘Anywhere！ I’m a going to seek my niece through the wureld。
I’m a going to find my poor niece in her shame； and bring her
back。 No one stop me！ I tell you I’m a going to seek my niece！’
‘No； no！’ cried Mrs。 Gummidge； coming between them； in a fit
of crying。 ‘No； no； Dan’l； not as you are now。 Seek her in a little
while； my lone lorn Dan’l； and that’ll be but right！ but not as you
are now。 Sit ye down； and give me your forgiveness for having
ever been a worrit to you； Dan’l—what have my contraries ever
been to this！—and let us speak a word about them times when she
was first an orphan； and when Ham was too； and when I was a
poor widder woman； and you took me in。 It’ll soften your poor
heart； Dan’l；’ laying her head upon his shoulder； ‘and you’ll bear
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David Copperfield
your sorrow better； for you know the promise； Dan’l； “As you have
done it unto one of the least of these； you have done it unto me”；—
and that can never fail under this roof； that’s been our shelter for
so many； many year！’
He was quite passive now； and when I heard him crying； the
impulse that had been upon me to go down upon my knees； and
ask their pardon for the desolation I had caused； and curse
Steerforth； yielded to a better feeling； My overcharged heart found
the same relief； and I cried too。
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David Copperfield
Chapter 32
THE BEGINNING OF A LONG JOURNEY
What is natural in me； is natural in many other men； I
infer； and so I am not afraid to write that I never had
loved Steerforth better than when the ties that bound
me to him were broken。 In the keen distress of the discovery of his
unworthiness； I thought more of all that was brilliant in him； I
softened more towards all that was good in him； I did more justice
to the qualities that might have made him a man of a noble nature
and a great name； than ever I had done in the height of my
devotion to him。 Deeply as I felt my own unconscious part in his
pollution of an honest home； I believed that if I had been brought
face