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figure moving silently aboutthe butler。 He came forward to relieve me；
deftly； of my hat and overcoat。 Well； I had it at last； this
establishment to which I had for so long looked forward。 And yet that
evening； as I hesitated in the hall； I somehow was unable to grasp that
it was real and permanent； the very solidity of the walls and doors
paradoxically suggested transientness； the butler a flitting ghost。 How
still the place was！ Almost oppressively still。 I recalled oddly a
story of a peasant who； yearning for the great life； had stumbled upon an
empty palace； its tables set with food in golden dishes。 Before two days
had passed he had fled from it in horror back to his crowded cottage and
his drudgery in the fields。 Never once had the sense of possession of
the palace been realized。 Nor did I feel that I possessed this house；
though I had the deeds of it in my safe and the receipted bills in my
files。 It eluded me； seemed； in my； bizarre mood of that evening； almost
to mock me。 〃You have built me；〃 it seemed to say； 〃but I am stronger
than you； because you have not earned me。〃 Ridiculous； when the years of
my labour and the size of my bank account were considered！ Such；
however； is the verbal expression of my feeling。 Was the house empty；
after all？ Had something happened？ With a slight panicky sensation I
climbed the stairs； with their endless shallow treads；： to hurry through
the silent hallway to the schoolroom。 Reassuring noises came faintly
through the heavy door。 I opened it。 Little Biddy was careening round
and round； crying out：
〃To…morrow's Chris'mas！ Santa Claus is coming tonight。〃
Matthew was regarding her indulgently； sympathetically； Moreton rather
scornfully。 The myth had been exploded for both； but Matthew still
hugged it。 That was the difference between them。 Maude； seated on the
floor； perceived me first； and glanced up at me with a smile。
〃It's father！〃 she said。
Biddy stopped in the midst of a pirouette。 At the age of seven she was
still shy with me； and retreated towards Maude。
〃Aren't we going to have a tree； father？〃 demanded Moreton； aggressively。
〃Mother won't tell usneither will Miss Allsop。〃
Miss Allsop was their governess。
〃Why do you want a tree？〃 I asked。
〃Oh； for Biddy；〃 he said。
〃It wouldn't be Christmas without a tree；〃 Matthew declared； 〃and Santa
Claus；〃 he added； for his sister's benefit。
〃Perhaps Santa Claus； when he sees we've got this big house； will think
we don't need anything； and go on to some poorer children；〃 said Maude。
〃You wouldn't blame him if he did that；would you？〃
The response to this appeal cannot be said to have been enthusiastic。。。。
After dinner； when at last all of them were in bed； we dressed the tree；
it might better be said that Maude and Miss Allsop dressed it； while I
gave a perfunctory aid。 Both the women took such a joy in the process；
vying with each other in getting effects； and as I watched them eagerly
draping the tinsel and pinning on the glittering ornaments I wondered why
it was that I was unable to find the same joy as they。 Thus it had been
every Christmas eve。 I was always tired when I got home； and after
dinner relaxation set in。
An electrician had come while we were at the table； and had fastened on
the little electric bulbs which did duty as candles。
〃Oh；〃 said Maude； as she stood off to survey the effect； 〃isn't it
beautiful！ Come； Miss Allsop； let's get the presents。〃
They flew out of the room； and presently hurried back with their arms
full of the usual parcels： parcels from Maude's family in Elkington； from
my own relatives； from the Blackwoods and the Peterses； from Nancy。 In
the meantime I had had my own contributions brought up； the man of war；
the locomotive； the big doll。 Maude stood staring。
〃Hugh； they'll be utterly ruined！〃 she exclaimed。
〃The boys might as well have something instructive；〃 I replied； 〃and as
for Biddynothing's too good for her。〃
〃I might have known you wouldn't forget them； although you are so
busy。〃。。。。
We filled the three stockings hung by the great fireplace。 Then； with a
last lingering look at the brightness of the tree； she stood in the
doorway and turned the electric switch。
〃Not before seven to…morrow morning； Miss Allsop；〃 she said。 〃Hugh； you
will get up； won't you？ You mustn't miss seeing them。 You can go back
to bed again。〃
I promised。
Evidently； this was Reality to Maude。 And had it not been one of my
dreams of marriage； this preparing for the children's Christmas；
remembering the fierce desires of my own childhood？ It struck me； after
I had kissed her good night and retired to my dressing…room； that fierce
desires burned within me still； but the objects towards which their
flames leaped out differed。 That was all。 Had I remained a child； since
my idea of pleasure was still that of youth？ The craving far excitement；
adventure； was still unslaked； the craving far freedom as keen as ever。
During the whole of my married life； I had been conscious of an inner
protest against 〃settling down；〃 as Tom Peters had settled down。 The
smaller house from which we had moved； with its enforced propinquity；
hard emphasized the bondage of marriage。 Now I had two rooms to myself；
in the undisputed possession of which I had taken a puerile delight。 On
one side of my dressing…room Archie Lammerton had provided a huge closet
containing the latest devices for the keeping of a multitudinous
wardrobe； there was a reading…lamp； and the easiest of easy…chairs；
imported from England； while between the windows were shelves of Italian
walnut which I had filled with the books I had bought while at Cambridge；
and had never since opened。 As I sank down in my chair that odd feeling
of uneasiness； of transience and unreality； of unsatisfaction I had had
ever since we had moved suddenly became intensified； and at the very
moment when I had gained everything I had once believed a man could
desire！ I was successful； I was rich； my health had not failed； I had a
wife who catered to my wishes； lovable children who gave no trouble and
yetthere was still the void to be filled； the old void I had felt as a
boy； the longing for something beyond me； I knew not what； there was the
strange inability to taste any of these things； the need at every turn
for excitement； for a stimulus。 My marriage had been a disappointment；
though I strove to conceal this from myself； a disappointment because it
had not filled the requirements of my categoryexcitement and mystery： I
had provided the setting and lacked the happiness。 Another woman Nancy
might have given me the needed stimulation； and yet my thoughts did not
dwell on Nancy that night； my longings were not directed towards her； but
towards the vision of a calm； contented married happiness I had looked
forward to in youth；a vision suddenly presented once more by the sight
of Maude's simple pleasure in dressing the Christmas tree。 What
restless； fiendish element in me prevented my enjoying that？ I had
something of the fearful feeling of a ghost in my own house and among my
own family； of a spirit doomed to wander； unabl