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although it is impossible for me to say how much of this love is
retrospective。 Why I was not mad about her every hour of the day is a
puzzle to me now。 Why; indeed; was I not mad about all three of them?
There were moments when I held and kissed them; when something within me
melted: moments when I was away from them; and thought of them。 But
these moments did not last。 The something within me hardened again; I
became indifferent; my family was wiped out of my consciousness as though
it had never existed。
There was Matthew; for instance; the oldest。 When he arrived; he was to
Maude a never…ending miracle; she would have his crib brought into her
room; and I would find her leaning over the bedside; gazing at him with a
rapt expression beyond my comprehension。 To me he was just a brick…red
morsel of humanity; all folds and wrinkles; and not at all remarkable in
any way。 Maude used to annoy me by getting out of bed in the middle of
the night when he cried; and at such times I was apt to wonder at the
odd trick the life…force had played me; and ask myself why I got married
at all。 It was a queer method of carrying on the race。 Later on; I began
to take a cursory interest in him; to watch for signs in him of certain
characteristics of my own youth which; in the philosophy of my manhood; I
had come to regard as defects。 And it disturbed me somewhat to see these
signs appear。 I wished him to be what I had become by force of willa
fighter。 But he was a sensitive child; anxious for approval; not robust;
though spiritual rather than delicate; even in comparative infancy he
cared more for books than toys; and his greatest joy was in being read
to。 In spite of these traitsperhaps because of themthere was a
sympathy between us。 From the time that he could talk the child seemed
to understand me。 Occasionally I surprised him gazing at me with a
certain wistful look that comes back to me as I write。
Moreton; Tom used to call Alexander the Great because he was a fighter
from the cradle; beating his elder brother; too considerate to strike
back; and likewisewhen opportunity offeredhis sister; and
appropriating their toys。 A self…sufficient; doughty young man; with the
round head that withstands many blows; taking by nature to competition
and buccaneering in general。 I did not love him half so much as I did
Matthewif such intermittent emotions as mine may be called love。 It
was a standing joke of minewhich Maude strongly resentedthat Moreton
resembled Cousin George of Elkington。
Imbued with the highest ambition of my time; I had set my barque on a
great circle; and almost before I realized it the barque was burdened
with a wife and family and the steering had insensibly become more
difficult; for Maude cared nothing about the destination; and when I took
any hand off the wheel our ship showed a tendency to make for a quiet
harbour。 Thus the social initiative; which I believed should have been
the woman's; was thrust back on me。 It was almost incredible; yet
indisputable; in a day when most American women were credited with a
craving for social ambition that I; of all men; should have married a
wife in whom the craving was wholly absent! She might have had what
other women would have given their souls for。 There were many reasons
why I wished her to take what I deemed her proper place in the community
as my wifenot that I cared for what is called society in the narrow
sense; with me; it was a logical part of a broader scheme of life; an
auxiliary rather than an essential; but a needful auxiliary; a means of
dignifying and adorning the position I was taking。 Not only that; but I
felt the need of intercourseof intercourse of a lighter and more
convivial nature with men and women who saw life as I saw it。 In the
evenings when we did not go out into that world our city afforded ennui
took possession of me: I had never learned to care for books; I had no
resources outside of my profession; and when I was not working on some
legal problem I dawdled over the newspapers and went to bed。 I don't
mean to imply that our existence; outside of our continued intimacy with
the Peterses and the Blackwoods; was socially isolated。 We gave little
dinners that Maude carried out with skill and taste; but it was I who
suggested them; we went out to other dinners; sometimes to Nancy's
though we saw less and less of hersometimes to other houses。 But Maude
had given evidence of domestic tastes and a disinclination for gaiety
that those who entertained more were not slow to sense。 I should have
liked to take a larger house; but I felt the futility of suggesting it;
the children were still small; and she was occupied with them。 Meanwhile
I beheld; and at times with considerable irritation; the social world
changing; growing larger and more significant; a more important function
of that higher phase of American existence the new century seemed
definitely to have initiated。 A segregative process was away to which
Maude was wholly indifferent。 Our city was throwing off its social
conservatism; wealth (which implied ability and superiority) was playing
a greater part; entertainments were more luxurious; lines more strictly
drawn。 We had an elaborate country club for those who could afford
expensive amusements。 Much of this transformation had been due to the
initiative and leadership of Nancy Durrett。。。。
Great and sudden wealth; however; if combined with obscure antecedents
and questionable qualifications; was still looked upon askance。 In spite
of the fact that Adolf Scherer had 〃put us on the map;〃 the family of the
great iron…master still remained outside of the social pale。 He himself
might have entered had it not been for his wife; who was supposed to be
〃queer;〃 who remained at home in her house opposite Gallatin Park and
made little German cakes;a huge house which an unknown architect had
taken unusual pains to make pretentious and hideous; for it was Rhenish;
Moorish and Victorian by turns。 Its geometric grounds matched those of
the park; itself a monument to bad taste in landscape。 The neighbourhood
was highly respectable; and inhabited by families of German extraction。
There were two flaxen…haired daughters who had just graduated from an
expensive boarding…school in New York; where they had received the polish
needful for future careers。 But the careers were not forthcoming。
I was thrown constantly with Adolf Scherer; I had earned his gratitude; I
had become necessary to him。 But after the great coup whereby he had
fulfilled Mr。 Watling's prophecy and become the chief factor in our
business world he began to show signs of discontent; of an irritability
that seemed foreign to his character; and that puzzled me。 One day;
however; I stumbled upon the cause of this fermentation; to wonder that I
had not discovered it before。 In many ways Adolf Scherer was a child。
We were sitting in the Boyne Club。
〃Moneyyes!〃 he exclaimed; apropos of some demand made upon him by a
charitable society。 〃They come to me for my moneythere is always
Scherer; they say。 He will make up the deficit in the hospitals。 But
what is it they do for