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increased in attractiveness and desirability。 Her voice was very sweet；
and I felt a delicious and languorous thrill which I identified not only
with love； but also with a reviving spirituality。 How often the two seem
to go hand in hand！
She wore a dress of a filmy material； mauve； with a design in gold thread
running through it。 Of late； it seemed； she had had more new dresses：
and their modes seemed more cosmopolitan； at least to the masculine eye。
How delicately her hair grew； in little； shining wisps； around her white
neck！ I could have reached out my hand and touched her。 And it was this
desire；although by no means overwhelming；that startled me。 Did I
really want her？ The consideration of this vital question occupied the
whole time of the sermon； made me distrait at dinner；a large family
gathering。 Later I found myself alone with heron a bench in the
Hutchinses' garden where we had walked the day of my arrival； during the
campaign。
The gardens were very different； now。 The trees had burst forth again
into leaf； the spiraea bushes seemed weighted down with snow； and with a
note like that of the quivering bass string of a 'cello the bees hummed
among the fruit blossoms。 And there beside me in her filmy dress was
Maude； a part of it allthe meaning of all that set my being clamouring。
She was like some ripened； delicious flower ready to be picked。。。。 One
of those pernicious； make…believe volumes had fallen on the bench between
us； for I could not read any more； I could not think； I touched her hand；
and when she drew it gently away I glanced at her。 Reason made a valiant
but hopeless effort to assert itself。 Was I sure that I wanted herfor
life？ No use！ I wanted her now； no matter what price that future might
demand。 An awkward silence fell between usawkward to me； at leastand
I； her guide and mentor； became banal； apologetic； confused。 I made some
idiotic remark about being together in the Garden of Eden。
〃I remember Mr。 Doddridge saying in Bible class that it was supposed to
be on the Euphrates；〃 she replied。 〃But it's been destroyed by the
flood。〃
〃Let's make anotherone of our own；〃 I suggested。
〃Why； how silly you are this afternoon。〃
〃What's to prevent usMaude？〃 I demanded； with a dry throat。
〃Nonsense！〃 she laughed。 In proportion as I lost poise she seemed to
gain it。
〃It's not nonsense；〃 I faltered。 〃If we were married。〃
At last the fateful words were pronouncedirrevocably。 And； instead of
qualms； I felt nothing but relief； joy that I had been swept along by the
flood of feeling。 She did not look at me； but gazed straight ahead of
her。
〃If I love you； Maude？〃 I stammered； after a moment。
〃But I don't love you；〃 she replied； steadily。
Never in my life had I been so utterly taken aback。
〃Do you mean；〃 I managed to say； 〃that after all these months you don't
like me a little？〃
〃‘Liking' isn't loving。〃 She looked me full in the face。 〃I like you
very much。〃
〃But〃 there I stopped； paralyzed by what appeared to me the
quintessence of feminine inconsistency and caprice。 Yet； as I stared at
her； she certainly did not appear capricious。 It is not too much to say
that I was fairly astounded at this evidence of self…command and
decision； of the strength of mind to refuse me。 Was it possible that
she had felt nothing and I all？ I got to my feet。
〃I hate to hurt your feelings；〃 I heard her say。 〃I'm very sorry。〃。。。
She looked up at me。 Afterwards； when reflecting on the scene； I seemed
to remember that there were tears in her eyes。 I was not in a condition
to appreciate her splendid sincerity。 I was overwhelmed and
inarticulate。 I left her there； on the bench； and went back to George's；
announcing my intention of taking the five o'clock train。。。。
Maude Hutchins had become； at a stroke； the most desirable of women。 I
have often wondered how I should have felt on that five…hour journey back
to the city if she had fallen into my arms！ I should have persuaded
myself； no doubt； that I had not done a foolish thing in yielding to an
impulse and proposing to an inexperienced and provincial young woman； yet
there would have been regrets in the background。 Too deeply chagrined to
see any humour in the situation； I settled down in a Pullman seat and
went over and over again the event of that afternoon until the train
reached the city。
As the days wore on； and I attended to my cases； I thought of Maude a
great deal； and in those moments when the pressure of business was
relaxed； she obsessed me。 She must love me；only she did not realize
it。 That was the secret！ Her value had risen amazingly； become supreme；
the very act of refusing me had emphasized her qualifications as a wife；
and I now desired her with all the intensity of a nature which had been
permitted always to achieve its objects。 The inevitable process of
idealization began。 In dusty offices I recalled her freshness as she had
sat beside me in the garden；the freshness of a flower； with Berkeleyan
subjectivism I clothed the flower with colour； bestowed it with
fragrance。 I conferred on Maude all the gifts and graces that woman had
possessed since the creation。 And I recalled； with mingled bitterness
and tenderness； the turn of her head； the down on her neck； the half…
revealed curve of her arm。。。。 In spite of the growing sordidness of Lyme
Street； my mother and I still lived in the old house； for which she very
naturally had a sentiment。 In vain I had urged her from time to time to
move out into a brighter and fresher neighbourhood。 It would be time
enough； she said； when I was married。
〃If you wait for that； mother；〃 I answered； 〃we shall spend the rest of
our lives here。〃
〃I shall spend the rest of my life here；〃 she would declare。 〃But you
you have your life before you； my dear。 You would be so much more
contented ifif you could find some nice girl。 I think you livetoo
feverishly。〃
I do not know whether or not she suspected me of being in love； nor
indeed how much she read of me in other ways。 I did not confide in her；
nor did it strike me that she might have yearned for confidences； though
sometimes； when I dined at home； I surprised her gentle faceframed now
with white hairlifted wistfully toward me across the table。 Our
relationship； indeed； was a pathetic projection of that which had existed
in my childhood； we had never been confidants then。 The world in which I
lived and fought； of great transactions and merciless consequences
frightened her； her own world was more limited than ever。 She heard
disquieting things； I am sure； from Cousin Robert Breck； who had become
more and more querulous since the time…honoured firm of Breck and Company
had been forced to close its doors and the home at Claremore had been
sold。 My mother often spent the day in the scrolled suburban cottage
with the coloured glass front door where he lived with the Kinleys and
Helen。。。。
If my mother suspected that I was anticipating marriage； and said
nothing； Nancy Durrett suspected and spoke out。
Life is such a curious succession of contradictions and surprises that I
record here without comment the fact