按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
But because of this particular combination my happiness was ruined； and
Nancy's！ She had not expected me to understand。 Well； I didn't
understand； I had no pity； in that hour I felt a resentment almost
amounting to hate； I could see only unreasoning superstition in the woman
I wanted above everything in the world。 Women of other days had indeed
renounced great loves： the thing was not unheard of。 But that this
should happen in these timesand to me！ It was unthinkable that Nancy
of all women shouldn't be emancipated from the thralls of religious
inhibition！ And if it wasn't 〃conscience；〃what was it？
Was it； as she said； weakness； lack of courage to take life when
it was offered her？。。。。 I was suddenly filled with the fever of
composing arguments to change a decision that appeared to me to be the
result of a monstrous caprice and delusion； writing them out； as they
occurred to me； in snatches on the backs of envelopesher envelopes。
Then I proceeded to make the draft of a letter； the effort required for
composition easing me until the draft was finished； when I started for
the hotel； climbing fences； leaping streams； making my way across rock
faces and through woods； halting now and then as some reenforcing
argument occurred to me to write it into my draft at the proper place
until the sheets were interlined and blurred and almost illegible。 It
was already three o'clock when I reached my room； and the mail left at
four。 I began to copy and revise my scrawl； glancing from time to time
at my watch； which I had laid on the table。 Hurriedly washing my face
and brushing my hair； I arrived downstairs just as the stage was
leaving。。。。
After the letter had gone still other arguments I might have added began
to occur to me； and I regretted that I had not softened some of the
things I wrote and made others more emphatic。 In places argument had
degenerated into abject entreaty。 Never had my desire been so
importunate as now； when I was in continual terror of losing her。 Nor
could I see how I was to live without her； life lacking a motive being
incomprehensible： yet the fire of optimism in me； though died down to
ashes； would not be extinguished。 At moments it flared up into what
almost amounted to a conviction that she could not resist my appeal。 I
had threatened to go to her； and more than once I started packing。。。。
Three days later I received a brief note in which she managed to convey
to me； though tenderly and compassionately； that her decision was
unalterable。 If I came on； she would refuse to see me。 I took the
afternoon stage and went back to the city； to plunge into affairs again；
but for weeks my torture was so acute that it gives me pain to recall it；
to dwell upon it to…day。。。。 And yet； amazing as it may seem； there came
a time when hope began to dawn again out of my despair。 Perhaps my life
had not been utterly shattered； after all： perhaps Ham Durrett would get
well： such things happened； and Nancy would no longer have an excuse for
continuing to refuse me。 Little by little my anger at what I had now
become convinced was her weakness cooled； andthough paradoxically I had
continued to love her in spite of the torture for which she was
responsible； in spite of the resentment I felt； I melted toward her。
True to my habit of reliance on miracles； I tried to reconcile myself to
a period of waiting。
Nevertheless I was faintly awareconsequent upon if not as a result of
this tremendous experienceof some change within me。 It was not only
that I felt at times a novel sense of uneasiness at being a prey to
accidents； subject to ravages of feeling； the unity of mind that had
hitherto enabled me to press forward continuously toward a concrete goal
showed signs of breaking up：the goal had lost its desirability。 I
seemed oddly to be relapsing into the states of questioning that had
characterized my earlier years。 Perhaps it would be an exaggeration to
say that I actually began to speculate on the possible existence of a
realm where the soul might find a refuge from the buffetings of life；
from which the philosophy of prosperity was powerless to save it。。。。
XXIV。
It was impossible； of course； that my friends should have failed to
perceive the state of disorganization I was in； and some of them at least
must have guessed its cause。 Dickinson； on his return from Maine； at
once begged me to go away。 I rather congratulated myself that Tom had
chosen these months for a long…delayed vacation in Canada。 His passion
for fishing still persisted。
In spite of the fact I have noted； that I had lost a certain zest for
results； to keep busy seemed to be the only way to relieve my mind of an
otherwise intolerable pressure： and I worked sometimes far into the
evening。 In the background of my thoughts lay the necessity of coming to
a decision on the question of the senatorship； several times Dickinson
and Gorse had spoken of it； and I was beginning to get letters from
influential men in other parts of the state。 They seemed to take it for
granted that there was no question of my refusing。 The time came when I
had grown able to consider the matter with a degree of calmness。 What
struck me first； when I began to debate upon it； was that the senatorship
offered a new and possibly higher field for my energies； while at the
same time the office would be a logical continuation of a signal legal
career。 I was now unable to deny that I no longer felt any exhilaration
at the prospect of future legal conquests similar to those of the past；
but once in the Senate； I might regain something of that intense
conviction of fighting for a just and sound cause with which Theodore
Wading had once animated me： fighting there； in the Capitol at
Washington； would be different； no stigma of personal gain attached to
it； it offered a nearer approach to the ideal I had once more begun to
seek； held out hopes of a renewal of my unity of mind。 Mr。 Watling had
declared that there was something to fight for； I had even glimpsed that
something； but I had to confess that for some years I had not been
consciously fighting for it。 I needed something to fight for。
There was the necessity； however； of renewing my calculations。 If
Hambleton Durrett should recover； even during the ensuing year； and if
Nancy relented it would not be possible for us to be divorced and married
for some time。 I still clung tenaciously to the belief that there were
no relationships wholly unaffected by worldly triumphs； and as Senator I
should have strengthened my position。 It did not strike meeven after
all my experiencethat such a course as I now contemplated had a
parallel in the one that I had pursued in regard to her when I was young。
It seemed fitting that Theodore Watling should be the first to know of my
decision。 I went to Washington to meet him。 It pained me to see him
looking more worn； but he was still as cheerful； as mentally vigorous as
ever； and I perceived that he did not wish to dwell upon his illness。 I
did venture to expostulate with him on the risk he must be running in
serving out his term。 We were sitting in the dining room of his hou