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〃God！〃 I exclaimed sharply。
Her hands fell away from mine。。。。 The silence was broken only by the
crackling of the wood fire as a log turned over and fell。 Never before；
in all our intercourse that I could remember； had she spoken to me about
religion。。。。 With that apparent snap in continuity incomprehensible to
the masculine mind…her feminine mood had changed。 Elements I had never
suspected； in Nancy； awe； even a hint of despair； entered into it； and
when my hand found hers again； the very quality of its convulsive
pressure seemed to have changed。 I knew then that it was her soul
I loved most； I had been swept all unwittingly to its very altar。
〃I believe it is God；〃 I said。 But she continued to gaze at me； her lips
parted； her eyes questioning。
〃Why is it；〃 she demanded； 〃that after all these centuries of certainty
we should have to start out to find him again？ Why is it when something
happens likelike this； that we should suddenly be torn with doubts
about him； when we have lived the best part of our lives without so much
as thinking of him？〃
〃Why should you have qualms？〃 I said。 〃Isn't this enough？ and doesn't it
promiseall？〃
〃I don't know。 They're not qualmsin the old sense。〃 She smiled down
at me a little tearfully。 〃Hugh； do you remember when we used to go to
Sunday…school at Dr。 Pound's church； and Mrs。 Ewan taught us？ I really
believed something thenthat Moses brought down the ten commandments of
God from the mountain； all written out definitely for ever and ever。 And
I used to think of marriage〃 （I felt a sharp twinge）； 〃of marriage as
something sacred and inviolable；something ordained by God himself。 It
ought to be sooughtn't it？ That is the ideal。〃
〃Yesbut aren't you confusing？〃 I began。
〃I am confusing and confused。 I shouldn't beI shouldn't care if there
weren't something in you； in me； in ourfriendship； _ something I can't
explain； something that shines still through the fog and the smoke in
which we have lived our livessomething which； I think； we saw clearer
as children。 We have lost it in our hasty groping。 Oh； Hugh； I couldn't
bear to think that we should never find it！ that it doesn't really exist！
Because I seem to feel it。 But can we find it this way； my dear？〃 Her
hand tightened on mine。
〃But if the force drawing us together； that has always drawn us together；
is God？〃 I objected。
〃I asked you；〃 she said。 〃The time must come when you must answer； Hugh。
It may be too late； but you must answer。〃
〃I believe in taking life in my own hands；〃 I said。
〃It ought to be life；〃 said Nancy。 〃Itit might have been life。。。。 It
is only when a moment； a moment like this comes that the quality of what
we have lived seems so tarnished； that the atmosphere which we ourselves
have helped to make is so sordid。 When I think of the intrigues； and
divorces； the self…indulgences；when I think of my own marriage〃 her
voice caught。 〃How are we going to better it； Hugh； this way？ Am I to
get that part of you I love； and are you to get what you crave in me？
Can we just seize happiness？ Will it not elude us just as much as though
we believed firmly in the ten commandments？〃
〃No；〃 I declared obstinately。
She shook her head。
〃What I'm afraid of is that the world isn't made that wayfor youfor
me。 We're permitted to seize those other things because they're just
baubles； we've both found out how worthless they are。 And the worst of
it is they've made me a coward； Hugh。 It isn't that I couldn't do
without them； I've come to depend on them in another way。 It's because
they give me a certain protection；do you see？ they've come to stand in
the place of the real convictions we've lost。 Andwell； we've taken the
baubles； can we reach out our hands and takethis？ Won't we be punished
for it； frightfully punished？〃
〃I don't care if we are；〃 I said； and surprised myself。
〃But I care。 It's weak； it's cowardly； but it's so。 And yet I want to
face the situationI'm trying to get you to face it； to realize how
terrible it is。〃
〃I only know that I want you above everything else in the worldI'll
take care of you〃
I seized her arms； I drew her down to me。
〃Don't！〃 she cried。 〃Oh； don't！〃 and struggled to her feet and stood
before me panting。 〃You must go away nowplease； Hugh。 I can't bear
any moreI want to think。〃
I released her。 She sank into the chair and hid her face in her
hands。。。。
As may be imagined； the incident I have just related threw my life into a
tangle that would have floored a less persistent optimist and romanticist
than myself； yet I became fairly accustomed to treading what the old
moralists called the devious paths of sin。 In my passion I had not
hesitated to lay down the doctrine that the courageous and the strong
took what they wanted；a doctrine of which I had been a consistent
disciple in the professional and business realm。 A logical buccaneer；
superman； 〃master of life〃 would promptly have extended this doctrine to
the realm of sex。 Nancy was the mate for me； and Nancy and I； our
development； was all that mattered； especially my development。 Let every
man and woman look out for his or her development； and in the end the
majority of people would be happy。 This was going Adam Smith one better。
When it came to putting that theory into practice； however； one needed
convictions： Nancy had been right when she had implied that convictions
were precisely what we lacked； what our world in general lacked。 We had
desires； yes convictions； no。 What we wanted we got not by defying the
world； but by conforming to it： we were ready to defy only when our
desires overcame the resistance of our synapses； and even then not until
we should have exhausted every legal and conventional means。
A superman with a wife and family he had acquired before a great passion
has made him a superman is in rather a predicament； especially if he be
one who has achieved such superhumanity as he possesses not by
challenging laws and conventions； but by getting around them。 My wife
and family loved me； and paradoxically I still had affection for them； or
thought I had。 But the superman creed is； 〃be yourself； realize
yourself； no matter how cruel you may have to be in order to do so。〃 One
trouble with me was that remnants of the Christian element of pity still
clung to me。 I would be cruel if I had to； but I hoped I shouldn't have
to： something would turn up； something in the nature of an intervening
miracle that would make it easy for me。 Perhaps Maude would take the
initiative and relieve me。。。。 Nancy had appealed for a justifying
doctrine； and it was just what I didn't have and couldn't evolve。 In the
meanwhile it was quite in character that I should accommodate myself to a
situation that might well be called anomalous。
This 〃accommodation〃 was not unaccompanied by fever。 My longing to
realize my love for Nancy kept me in a constant state of tensionof
〃nerves〃； for our relationship had merely gone one step farther； we had
reached a point where we acknowledged that we loved each other； and
paradoxically halted there； Nancy clung to her demand for new sanctions
with a