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hurried away。
〃Foedora must be forgotten； I must cure myself of my infatuation； and
betake myself once more to my lonely studies； or die。 So I set myself
tremendous tasks； I determined to complete my labors。 For fifteen days
I never left my garret； spending whole nights in pallid thought。 I
worked with difficulty； and by fits and starts； despite my courage and
the stimulation of despair。 The music had fled。 I could not exorcise
the brilliant mocking image of Foedora。 Something morbid brooded over
every thought； a vague longing as dreadful as remorse。 I imitated the
anchorites of the Thebaid。 If I did not pray as they did； I lived a
life in the desert like theirs； hewing out my ideas as they were wont
to hew their rocks。 I could at need have girdled my waist with spikes；
that physical suffering might quell mental anguish。
〃One evening Pauline found her way into my room。
〃 'You are killing yourself；' she said imploringly； 'you should go out
and see your friends'
〃 'Pauline； you were a true prophet； Foedora is killing me； I want to
die。 My life is intolerable。'
〃 'Is there only one woman in the world？' she asked； smiling。 'Why
make yourself so miserable in so short a life？'
〃I looked at Pauline in bewilderment。 She left me before I noticed her
departure； the sound of her words had reached me； but not their sense。
Very soon I had to take my Memoirs in manuscript to my literary…
contractor。 I was so absorbed by my passion； that I could not remember
how I had managed to live without money； I only knew that the four
hundred and fifty francs due to me would pay my debts。 So I went to
receive my salary； and met Rastignac； who thought me changed and
thinner。
〃 'What hospital have you been discharged from？' he asked。
〃 'That woman is killing me；' I answered； 'I can neither despise her
nor forget her。'
〃 'You had much better kill her； then perhaps you would think no more
of her；' he said； laughing。
〃 'I have often thought of it；' I replied； 'but though sometimes the
thought of a crime revives my spirits； of violence and murder； either
or both； I am really incapable of carrying out the design。 The
countess is an admirable monster who would crave for pardon； and not
every man is an Othello。'
〃 'She is like every woman who is beyond our reach；' Rastignac
interrupted。
〃 'I am mad；' I cried； 'I can feel the madness raging at times in my
brain。 My ideas are like shadows； they flit before me； and I cannot
grasp them。 Death would be preferable to this life； and I have
carefully considered the best way of putting an end to the struggle。 I
am not thinking of the living Foedora in the Faubourg Saint Honore；
but of my Foedora here；' and I tapped my forehead。 'What to you say to
opium？'
〃 'Pshaw！ horrid agonies；' said Rastignac。
〃 'Or charcoal fumes？'
〃 'A low dodge。'
〃 'Or the Seine？'
〃 'The drag…nets； and the Morgue too； are filthy。'
〃 'A pistol…shot？'
〃 'And if you miscalculate； you disfigure yourself for life。 Listen to
me；' he went on； 'like all young men； I have pondered over suicide。
Which of us hasn't killed himself two or three times before he is
thirty？ I find there is no better course than to use existence as a
means of pleasure。 Go in for thorough dissipation； and your passion or
you will perish in it。 Intemperance； my dear fellow； commands all
forms of death。 Does she not wield the thunderbolt of apoplexy？
Apoplexy is a pistol…shot that does not miscalculate。 Orgies are
lavish in all physical pleasures； is not that the small change for
opium？ And the riot that makes us drink to excess bears a challenge to
mortal combat with wine。 That butt of Malmsey of the Duke of
Clarence's must have had a pleasanter flavor than Seine mud。 When we
sink gloriously under the table； is not that a periodical death by
drowning on a small scale？ If we are picked up by the police and
stretched out on those chilly benches of theirs at the police…station；
do we not enjoy all the pleasures of the Morgue？ For though we are not
blue and green； muddy and swollen corpses； on the other hand we have
the consciousness of the climax。
〃 'Ah；' he went on； 'this protracted suicide has nothing in common
with the bankrupt grocer's demise。 Tradespeople have brought the river
into disrepute； they fling themselves in to soften their creditors'
hearts。 In your place I should endeavor to die gracefully； and if you
wish to invent a novel way of doing it； by struggling with life after
this manner； I will be your second。 I am disappointed and sick of
everything。 The Alsacienne； whom it was proposed that I should marry；
had six toes on her left foot； I cannot possibly live with a woman who
has six toes！ It would get about to a certainty； and then I should be
ridiculous。 Her income was only eighteen thousand francs； her fortune
diminished in quantity as her toes increased。 The devil take it； if we
begin an outrageous sort of life； we may come on some bit of luck；
perhaps！'
〃Rastignac's eloquence carried me away。 The attractions of the plan
shone too temptingly； hopes were kindled； the poetical aspects of the
matter appealed to a poet。
〃 'How about money？' I said。
〃 'Haven't you four hundred and fifty francs？'
〃 'Yes； but debts to my landlady and the tailor'
〃 'You would pay your tailor？ You will never be anything whatever； not
so much as a minister。'
〃 'But what can one do with twenty louis？'
〃 'Go to the gaming…table。'
〃I shuddered。
〃 'You are going to launch out into what I call systematic
dissipation；' said he； noticing my scruples； 'and yet you are afraid
of a green table…cloth。'
〃 'Listen to me；' I answered。 'I promised my father never to set foot
in a gaming…house。 Not only is that a sacred promise； but I still feel
an unconquerable disgust whenever I pass a gambling…hell； take the
money and go without me。 While our fortune is at stake； I will set my
own affairs straight； and then I will go to your lodgings and wait for
you。'
〃That was the way I went to perdition。 A young man has only to come
across a woman who will not love him； or a woman who loves him too
well； and his whole life becomes a chaos。 Prosperity swallows up our
energy just as adversity obscures our virtues。 Back once more in my
Hotel de Saint…Quentin； I gazed about me a long while in the garret
where I had led my scholar's temperate life； a life which would
perhaps have been a long and honorable one； and that I ought not to
have quitted for the fevered existence which had urged me to the brink
of a precipice。 Pauline surprised me in this dejected attitude。
〃 'Why； what is the matter with you？' she asked。
〃I rose and quietly counted out the money owing to her mother； and
added to it sufficient to pay for six months' rent in advance。 She
watched me in some alarm。
〃 'I am going to leave you； dear Pauline。'
〃 'I knew it！' she exclaimed。