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utterance; a life of wealth or of penury; perhaps it contained a
crime!
〃The mystery that lurked beneath this fair semblance of womanhood grew
afresh; there were so many ways of explaining Foedora; that she became
inexplicable。 A sort of language seemed to flow from between her lips。
I put thoughts and feelings into the accidents of her breathing;
whether weak or regular; gentle; or labored。 I shared her dreams; I
would fain have divined her secrets by reading them through her
slumber。 I hesitated among contradictory opinions and decisions
without number。 I could not deny my heart to the woman I saw before
me; with the calm; pure beauty in her face。 I resolved to make one
more effort。 If I told her the story of my life; my love; my
sacrifices; might I not awaken pity in her or draw a tear from her who
never wept?
〃As I set all my hopes on this last experiment; the sounds in the
streets showed that day was at hand。 For a moment's space I pictured
Foedora waking to find herself in my arms。 I could have stolen softly
to her side and slipped them about her in a close embrace。 Resolved to
resist the cruel tyranny of this thought; I hurried into the salon;
heedless of any sounds I might make; but; luckily; I came upon a
secret door leading to a little staircase。 As I expected; the key was
in the lock; I slammed the door; went boldly out into the court; and
gained the street in three bounds; without looking round to see
whether I was observed。
〃A dramatist was to read a comedy at the countess' house in two days'
time; I went thither; intending to outstay the others; so as to make a
rather singular request to her; I meant to ask her to keep the
following evening for me alone; and to deny herself to other comers;
but when I found myself alone with her; my courage failed。 Every tick
of the clock alarmed me。 It wanted only a quarter of an hour of
midnight。
〃 'If I do not speak;' I thought to myself; 'I must smash my head
against the corner of the mantelpiece。'
〃I gave myself three minutes' grace; the three minutes went by; and I
did not smash my head upon the marble; my heart grew heavy; like a
sponge with water。
〃 'You are exceedingly amusing;' said she。
〃 'Ah; madame; if you could but understand me!' I answered。
〃 'What is the matter with you?' she asked。 'You are turning pale。'
〃 'I am hesitating to ask a favor of you。'
〃Her gesture revived my courage。 I asked her to make the appointment
with me。
〃 'Willingly;' she answered' 'but why will you not speak to me now?'
〃 'To be candid with you; I ought to explain the full scope of your
promise: I want to spend this evening by your side; as if we were
brother and sister。 Have no fear; I am aware of your antipathies; you
must have divined me sufficiently to feel sure that I should wish you
to do nothing that could be displeasing to you; presumption; moreover;
would not thus approach you。 You have been a friend to me; you have
shown me kindness and great indulgence; know; therefore; that
to…morrow I must bid you farewell。Do not take back your word;' I
exclaimed; seeing her about to speak; and I went away。
〃At eight o'clock one evening towards the end of May; Foedora and I
were alone together in her gothic boudoir。 I feared no longer; I was
secure of happiness。 My mistress should be mine; or I would seek a
refuge in death。 I had condemned my faint…hearted love; and a man who
acknowledges his weakness is strong indeed。
〃The countess; in her blue cashmere gown; was reclining on a sofa;
with her feet on a cushion。 She wore an Oriental turban such as
painters assign to early Hebrews; its strangeness added an
indescribable coquettish grace to her attractions。 A transitory charm
seemed to have laid its spell on her face; it might have furnished the
argument that at every instant we become new and unparalleled beings;
without any resemblance to the US of the future or of the past。 I had
never yet seen her so radiant。
〃 'Do you know that you have piqued my curiosity?' she said; laughing。
〃 'I will not disappoint it;' I said quietly; as I seated myself near
to her and took the hand that she surrendered to me。 'You have a very
beautiful voice!'
〃 'You have never heard me sing!' she exclaimed; starting
involuntarily with surprise。
〃 'I will prove that it is quite otherwise; whenever it is necessary。
Is your delightful singing still to remain a mystery? Have no fear; I
do not wish to penetrate it。'
〃We spent about an hour in familiar talk。 While I adopted the attitude
and manner of a man to whom Foedora must refuse nothing; I showed her
all a lover's deference。 Acting in this way; I received a favorI was
allowed to kiss her hand。 She daintily drew off the glove; and my
whole soul was dissolved and poured forth in that kiss。 I was steeped
in the bliss of an illusion in which I tried to believe。
〃Foedora lent herself most unexpectedly to my caress and my
flatteries。 Do not accuse me of faint…heartedness; if I had gone a
step beyond these fraternal compliments; the claws would have been out
of the sheath and into me。 We remained perfectly silent for nearly ten
minutes。 I was admiring her; investing her with the charms she had
not。 She was mine just then; and mine only;this enchanting being was
mine; as was permissible; in my imagination; my longing wrapped her
round and held her close; in my soul I wedded her。 The countess was
subdued and fascinated by my magnetic influence。 Ever since I have
regretted that this subjugation was not absolute; but just then I
yearned for her soul; her heart alone; and for nothing else。 I longed
for an ideal and perfect happiness; a fair illusion that cannot last
for very long。 At last I spoke; feeling that the last hours of my
frenzy were at hand。
〃 'Hear me; madame。 I love you; and you know it; I have said so a
hundred times; you must have understood me。 I would not take upon me
the airs of a coxcomb; nor would I flatter you; nor urge myself upon
you like a fool; I would not owe your love to such arts as these! so I
have been misunderstood。 What sufferings have I not endured for your
sake! For these; however; you were not to blame; but in a few minutes
you shall decide for yourself。 There are two kinds of poverty; madame。
One kind openly walks the street in rags; an unconscious imitator of
Diogenes; on a scanty diet; reducing life to its simplest terms; he is
happier; maybe; than the rich; he has fewer cares at any rate; and
accepts such portions of the world as stronger spirits refuse。 Then
there is poverty in splendor; a Spanish pauper; concealing the life of
a beggar by his title; his bravery; and his pride; poverty that wears
a white waistcoat and yellow kid gloves; a beggar with a carriage;
whose whole career will be wrecked for lack of a halfpenny。 Poverty of
the first kind belongs to the populace; the second kind is that of
blacklegs; of kings; and of men of talent