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leave her at last in utter wretchedness。'
〃This calm calculation dumfounded me。 The gulf between us was made
plain； we could never understand each other。
〃 'Good…bye；' I said proudly。
〃 'Good…bye； till to…morrow；' she answered； with a little friendly
bow。
〃For a moment's space I hurled at her in a glance all the love I must
forego； she stood there with than banal smile of hers； the detestable
chill smile of a marble statue； with none of the warmth in it that it
seemed to express。 Can you form any idea； my friend； of the pain that
overcame me on the way home through rain and snow； across a league of
icy…sheeted quays； without a hope left？ Oh； to think that she not only
had not guessed my poverty； but believed me to be as wealthy as she
was； and likewise borne as softly over the rough ways of life！ What
failure and deceit！ It was no mere question of money now； but of the
fate of all that lay within me。
〃I went at haphazard； going over the words of our strange conversation
with myself。 I got so thoroughly lost in my reflections that I ended
by doubts as to the actual value of words and ideas。 But I loved her
all the same； I loved this woman with the untouched heart that might
surrender at any momenta woman who daily disappointed the
expectations of the previous evening； by appearing as a new mistress
on the morrow。
〃As I passed under the gateway of the Institute； a fevered thrill ran
through me。 I remembered that I was fasting； and that I had not a
penny。 To complete the measure of my misfortune； my hat was spoiled by
the rain。 How was I to appear in the drawing…room of a woman of
fashion with an unpresentable hat？ I had always cursed the inane and
stupid custom that compels us to exhibit the lining of our hats； and
to keep them always in our hands； but with anxious care I had so far
kept mine in a precarious state of efficiency。 It had been neither
strikingly new； nor utterly shabby； neither napless nor over…glossy；
and might have passed for the hat of a frugally given owner； but its
artificially prolonged existence had now reached the final stage； it
was crumpled； forlorn； and completely ruined； a downright rag； a
fitting emblem of its master。 My painfully preserved elegance must
collapse for want of thirty sous。
〃What unrecognized sacrifices I had made in the past three months for
Foedora！ How often I had given the price of a week's sustenance to see
her for a moment！ To leave my work and go without food was the least
of it！ I must traverse the streets of Paris without getting splashed；
run to escape showers； and reach her rooms at last； as neat and spruce
as any of the coxcombs about her。 For a poet and a distracted wooer
the difficulties of this task were endless。 My happiness； the course
of my love； might be affected by a speck of mud upon my only white
waistcoat！ Oh； to miss the sight of her because I was wet through and
bedraggled； and had not so much as five sous to give to a shoeblack
for removing the least little spot of mud from my boot！ The petty
pangs of these nameless torments； which an irritable man finds so
great； only strengthened my passion。
〃The unfortunate must make sacrifices which they may not mention to
women who lead refined and luxurious lives。 Such women see things
through a prism that gilds all men and their surroundings。 Egoism
leads them to take cheerful views； and fashion makes them cruel； they
do not wish to reflect； lest they lose their happiness； and the
absorbing nature of their pleasures absolves their indifference to the
misfortunes of others。 A penny never means millions to them； millions；
on the contrary； seem a mere trifle。 Perhaps love must plead his cause
by great sacrifices； but a veil must be lightly drawn across them；
they must go down into silence。 So when wealthy men pour out their
devotion； their fortunes； and their lives； they gain somewhat by these
commonly entertained opinions； an additional lustre hangs about their
lovers' follies； their silence is eloquent； there is a grace about the
drawn veil； but my terrible distress bound me over to suffer fearfully
or ever I might speak of my love or of dying for her sake。
〃Was it a sacrifice after all？ Was I not richly rewarded by the joy I
took in sacrificing everything to her？ There was no commonest event of
my daily life to which the countess had not given importance； had not
overfilled with happiness。 I had been hitherto careless of my clothes；
now I respected my coat as if it had been a second self。 I should not
have hesitated between bodily harm and a tear in that garment。 You
must enter wholly into my circumstances to understand the stormy
thoughts； the gathering frenzy； that shook me as I went； and which；
perhaps； were increased by my walk。 I gloated in an infernal fashion
which I cannot describe over the absolute completeness of my
wretchedness。 I would have drawn from it an augury of my future； but
there is no limit to the possibilities of misfortune。 The door of my
lodging…house stood ajar。 A light streamed from the heart…shaped
opening cut in the shutters。 Pauline and her mother were sitting up
for me and talking。 I heard my name spoken； and listened。
〃 'Raphael is much nicer…looking than the student in number seven；'
said Pauline； 'his fair hair is such a pretty color。 Don't you think
there is something in his voice； too； I don't know what it is； that
gives you a sort of a thrill？ And； then； though he may be a little
proud； he is very kind； and he has such fine manners； I am sure that
all the ladies must be quite wild about him。'
〃 'You might be fond of him yourself； to hear you talk；' was Madame
Gaudin's comment。
〃 'He is just as dear to me as a brother；' she laughed。 'I should be
finely ungrateful if I felt no friendship for him。 Didn't he teach me
music and drawing and grammar； and everything I know in fact？ You
don't much notice how I get on； dear mother； but I shall know enough；
in a while； to give lessons myself； and then we can keep a servant。'
〃I stole away softly； made some noise outside； and went into their
room to take the lamp； that Pauline tried to light for me。 The dear
child had just poured soothing balm into my wounds。 Her outspoken
admiration had given me fresh courage。 I so needed to believe in
myself and to come by a just estimate of my advantages。 This revival
of hope in me perhaps colored my surroundings。 Perhaps also I had
never before really looked at the picture that so often met my eyes；
of the two women in their room； it was a scene such as Flemish
painters have reproduced so faithfully for us； that I admired in its
delightful reality。 The mother； with the kind smile upon her lips； sat
knitting stockings by the dying fire； Pauline was painting hand…
screens； her brushes and paints； strewn over the tiny table； made
bright spots of color for the eye to dwell on。 When she had left her
seat and stood lighting my lamp； one must have been under