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wrong and never can be right； that he only exposes her to contradiction by
asking any question of her； and that he had better ask his papa； who is
infallible； and never can be wrong。 Papa； smarting under this attack； gives
a terrible pull at the bell； and says； that if the conversation is to proceed in
this way； the children had better be removed。 Removed they are； after a
few tears and many struggles； and Pa having looked at Ma sideways for a
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minute or two； with a baleful eye； draws his pocket…handkerchief over his
face； and composes himself for his after…dinner nap。
The friends of the contradictory couple often deplore their frequent
disputes； though they rather make light of them at the same time：
observing； that there is no doubt they are very much attached to each other；
and that they never quarrel except about trifles。 But neither the friends of
the contradictory couple； nor the contradictory couple themselves； reflect；
that as the most stupendous objects in nature are but vast collections of
minute particles； so the slightest and least considered trifles make up the
sum of human happiness or misery。
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THE COUPLE WHO DOTE
UPON THEIR CHILDREN
The couple who dote upon their children have usually a great many of
them： six or eight at least。 The children are either the healthiest in all the
world； or the most unfortunate in existence。 In either case； they are equally
the theme of their doting parents； and equally a source of mental anguish
and irritation to their doting parents' friends。
The couple who dote upon their children recognise no dates but those
connected with their births； accidents； illnesses； or remarkable deeds。 They
keep a mental almanack with a vast number of Innocents'…days； all in red
letters。 They recollect the last coronation； because on that day little Tom
fell down the kitchen stairs； the anniversary of the Gunpowder Plot；
because it was on the fifth of November that Ned asked whether wooden
legs were made in heaven and cocked hats grew in gardens。 Mrs。 Whiffler
will never cease to recollect the last day of the old year as long as she lives；
for it was on that day that the baby had the four red spots on its nose
which they took for measles： nor Christmas…day； for twenty…one days after
Christmas…day the twins were born； nor Good Friday； for it was on a Good
Friday that she was frightened by the donkey…cart when she was in the
family way with Georgiana。 The movable feasts have no motion for Mr。
and Mrs。 Whiffler； but remain pinned down tight and fast to the shoulders
of some small child； from whom they can never be separated any more。
Time was made； according to their creed； not for slaves but for girls and
boys； the restless sands in his glass are but little children at play。
As we have already intimated； the children of this couple can know no
medium。 They are either prodigies of good health or prodigies of bad
health； whatever they are； they must be prodigies。 Mr。 Whiffler must have
to describe at his office such excruciating agonies constantly undergone by
his eldest boy； as nobody else's eldest boy ever underwent； or he must be
able to declare that there never was a child endowed with such amazing
health； such an indomitable constitution； and such a cast…iron frame； as his
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child。 His children must be； in some respect or other； above and beyond
the children of all other people。 To such an extent is this feeling pushed；
that we were once slightly acquainted with a lady and gentleman who
carried their heads so high and became so proud after their youngest child
fell out of a two…pair…of…stairs window without hurting himself much； that
the greater part of their friends were obliged to forego their acquaintance。
But perhaps this may be an extreme case； and one not justly entitled to be
considered as a precedent of general application。
If a friend happen to dine in a friendly way with one of these couples
who dote upon their children； it is nearly impossible for him to divert the
conversation from their favourite topic。 Everything reminds Mr。 Whiffler
of Ned； or Mrs。 Whiffler of Mary Anne； or of the time before Ned was
born； or the time before Mary Anne was thought of。 The slightest remark；
however harmless in itself； will awaken slumbering recollections of the
twins。 It is impossible to steer clear of them。 They will come uppermost；
let the poor man do what he may。 Ned has been known to be lost sight of
for half an hour； Dick has been forgotten； the name of Mary Anne has not
been mentioned； but the twins will out。 Nothing can keep down the twins。
'It's a very extraordinary thing； Saunders；' says Mr。 Whiffler to the
visitor； 'but … you have seen our little babies； the … the … twins？' The friend's
heart sinks within him as he answers； 'Oh； yes … often。' 'Your talking of the
Pyramids；' says Mr。 Whiffler； quite as a matter of course； 'reminds me of
the twins。 It's a very extraordinary thing about those babies … what colour
should you say their eyes were？' 'Upon my word；' the friend stammers； 'I
hardly know how to answer' … the fact being； that except as the friend does
not remember to have heard of any departure from the ordinary course of
nature in the instance of these twins； they might have no eyes at all for
aught he has observed to the contrary。 'You wouldn't say they were red； I
suppose？' says Mr。 Whiffler。 The friend hesitates； and rather thinks they
are； but inferring from the expression of Mr。 Whiffler's face that red is not
the colour； smiles with some confidence； and says； 'No； no！ very different
from that。' 'What should you say to blue？' says Mr。 Whiffler。 The friend
glances at him； and observing a different expression in his face； ventures
to say； 'I should say they WERE blue … a decided blue。' 'To be sure！' cries
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Mr。 Whiffler； triumphantly； 'I knew you would！ But what should you say if
I was to tell you that the boy's eyes are blue and the girl's hazel； eh？'
'Impossible！' exclaims the friend； not at all knowing