按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
melancholy tread which should be his gait for the day。 He is perfectly
acquainted with all the dreary courtesies to be observed in a mourning…
coach； knows when to sigh； and when to hide his nose in the white
handkerchief； and looks into the grave and shakes his head when the
ceremony is concluded； with the sad formality of a mute。
'What kind of funeral was it？' says the formal lady； when he returns
home。 'Oh！' replies the formal gentleman； 'there never was such a gross
and disgusting impropriety； there were no feathers。' 'No feathers！' cries the
lady； as if on wings of black feathers dead people fly to Heaven； and；
10
… Page 11…
Sketches of Young Couples
lacking them； they must of necessity go elsewhere。 Her husband shakes
his head； and further adds； that they had seed…cake instead of plum…cake；
and that it was all white wine。 'All white wine！' exclaims his wife。
'Nothing but sherry and madeira；' says the husband。 'What！ no port？' 'Not a
drop。' No port； no plums； and no feathers！ 'You will recollect； my dear；'
says the formal lady； in a voice of stately reproof； 'that when we first met
this poor man who is now dead and gone； and he took that very strange
course of addressing me at dinner without being previously introduced； I
ventured to express my opinion that the family were quite ignorant of
etiquette； and very imperfectly acquainted with the decencies of life。 You
have now had a good opportunity of judging for yourself； and all I have to
say is； that I trust you will never go to a funeral THERE again。' 'My dear；'
replies the formal gentleman； 'I never will。' So the informal deceased is cut
in his grave； and the formal couple； when they tell the story of the funeral；
shake their heads； and wonder what some people's feelings ARE made of；
and what their notions of propriety CAN be！
If the formal couple have a family （which they sometimes have）； they
are not children； but little； pale； sour； sharp…nosed men and women； and so
exquisitely brought up； that they might be very old dwarfs for anything
that appeareth to the contrary。 Indeed； they are so acquainted with forms
and conventionalities； and conduct themselves with such strict decorum；
that to see the little girl break a looking…glass in some wild outbreak； or
the little boy kick his parents； would be to any visitor an unspeakable
relief and consolation。
The formal couple are always sticklers for what is rigidly proper； and
have a great readiness in detecting hidden impropriety of speech or
thought； which by less scrupulous people would be wholly unsuspected。
Thus； if they pay a visit to the theatre； they sit all night in a perfect agony
lest anything improper or immoral should proceed from the stage； and if
anything should happen to be said which admits of a double construction；
they never fail to take it up directly； and to express by their looks the great
outrage which their feelings have sustained。 Perhaps this is their chief
reason for absenting themselves almost entirely from places of public
amusement。 They go sometimes to the Exhibition of the Royal Academy； …
11
… Page 12…
Sketches of Young Couples
but that is often more shocking than the stage itself； and the formal lady
thinks that it really is high time Mr。 Etty was prosecuted and made a
public example of。
We made one at a christening party not long since； where there were
amongst the guests a formal couple； who suffered the acutest torture from
certain jokes； incidental to such an occasion； cut … and very likely dried
also … by one of the godfathers； a red…faced elderly gentleman； who； being
highly popular with the rest of the company； had it all his own way； and
was in great spirits。 It was at supper…time that this gentleman came out in
full force。 We … being of a grave and quiet demeanour … had been chosen to
escort the formal lady down…stairs； and； sitting beside her； had a
favourable opportunity of observing her emotions。
We have a shrewd suspicion that； in the very beginning； and in the first
blush … literally the first blush … of the matter； the formal lady had not felt
quite certain whether the being present at such a ceremony； and
encouraging； as it were； the public exhibition of a baby； was not an act
involving some degree of indelicacy and impropriety； but certain we are
that when that baby's health was drunk； and allusions were made； by a
grey…headed gentleman proposing it； to the time when he had dandled in
his arms the young Christian's mother； … certain we are that then the formal
lady took the alarm； and recoiled from the old gentleman as from a hoary
profligate。 Still she bore it； she fanned herself with an indignant air； but
still she bore it。 A comic song was sung； involving a confession from some
imaginary gentleman that he had kissed a female； and yet the formal lady
bore it。 But when at last； the health of the godfather before…mentioned
being drunk； the godfather rose to return thanks； and in the course of his
observations darkly hinted at babies yet unborn； and even contemplated
the possibility of the subject of that festival having brothers and sisters； the
formal lady could endure no more； but； bowing slightly round； and
sweeping haughtily past the offender； left the room in tears； under the
protection of the formal gentleman。
12
… Page 13…
Sketches of Young Couples
THE LOVING COUPLE
There cannot be a better practical illustration of the wise saw and
ancient instance； that there may be too much of a good thing； than is
presented by a loving couple。 Undoubtedly it is meet and proper that two
persons joined together in holy matrimony should be loving； and
unquestionably it is pleasant to know and see that they are so； but there is
a time for all things； and the couple who happen to be always in a loving
state before company； are well…nigh intolerable。
And in taking up this position we would have it distinctly und